Reminder

1. buy bag for travel.
2. Decide want go New York or not.
3. Pack stuff. Things to bring to new apartment?

Culture! Culture!

One day, me, Chinese girl, European guy, Chinese American guy working on our Linear Algebra finals in the library. (Yes, it was a take-home finals, and we could work together!)
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(earlier I asked them whether getting a "B" is bad, because I talked to one of my HOT physics American coursemate, and he was like "oh if I got a B I'm going to quit school", and I was like WTF.)

Me: Hey, so we need to fill up the course evaluations before we can check our grades?

Chinese girl: Yes, you need to do that.

Me: Oh okay. We have until the 23rd to do that right? Cuz, it's like, if we fill up the course evaluations earlier, then we can check our grades earlier, but I'm like, "No! I can wait!"

Chinese girl: Well you can wait but your parents might not.

Me: (surprised of what she said but understand where she's coming from) Oh. Meh. I don't think my parents care about my grades as long as I pass.

European: Wait. Why do you need to tell your parents about your grades?

Me: (自作聪明）Oh it's culture-specific.

Chinese American: Haha.

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*I don't really think it's really a cultural phenomenon la. Maybe just that girls' parents.

DeluSion's Theorem

For any non-empty set of men and one observer, there exists some distances to each man in the set observed from which they are handsome.

Random

I saw an unused condom on the pavement on my way to the library. Does that mean I'm going to get laid soon?

Or...*gasp* because I picked it up and put it on a rubbish bin, I'm going to miss an opportunity *ahem*?

Quote from Book

"If Christian Preachers had continued to teach as Christ & his Apostles did, without Salaries, and as the Quakers now do, I imagine [religious] Tests [for state officers] would never have existed: For I think they were invented not so much to secure Religion itself, as the Emoluments of it.--When a Religion is good, I conceive that it will support itself; and when it cannot support itself, and God does not take care to support, so that its Professors are oblig'd to call for help of the Civil Power, 'tis a Sign, I apprehend, of its being a bad one. But I shall be out of my Depth if I wade any deeper in Theology..."

---- Benjamin Franklin (1780) (on the Massachusetts Constitution)
--- extracted from The Founding Fathers and the Debate Over Religion in Revolutionary America

words in [square brackets] by DeluSion.

What Do I Want to Do with My Life...

It was 3am, I was studying for the Physics mid-term in the computer room. Quantum mechanics.

I'm an intellectually LAZY person. I don't really care whether space is absolute; the universe has an origin in time; nature is deterministic; or the earth is flat for that matter. I'm sure, in principle at least, I could be oblivious to all these statements collectively we call knowledge, yet still live a happy, fulfilled life.

Maybe I'm just generally lazy. There's nothing I really like to do, or am passionate about doing. I don't draw, don't play music, don't camwhore, don't dance, don't work out（*1), don't have serial one night stands. I'm even lazy to sleep.

But I can't be THAT lazy. I just feel that, sometimes the things I am passionate about, like having multiple orgasms and, oh well, reading, are not what people count as hobbies. It sounds kind of sad to (have to) say one's hobby is reading. Furthermore, like I said, I'm intellectually lazy. A lot of times when I read, I don't feel I'm engaged with the thoughts of the author, rather, I skim through pages, absorbing all the authors have to say, or what I like to read. The way I read, is like watching TV.

It's like I'm, to use the phrase I just learnt, emotionally dead inside.

Yet, I still experience emotion. I was angry as hell when Seksualiti Merdeka was banned.

It was 3am. On my skinny left arm, I wrote "I want my RIGHTS!" (*2)

I want to
1. cure AIDS
2. stop climate change
3. end poverty
4. eradicate religion and
5. invent a drug that will turn one hot guy gay and the other gay guys straight.

All these will not happen, unless I actually go out and do something!

First I need to improve my mind, body and skill sets! Do something! Learn new stuff. Challenge ideas, mine or others!

Do something or else nothing will ever change!

---------------------------
Notes:
*1 unless you count the Physical Education class I'm taking.
*2 which looks rather silly the next morning when I bare my arms during the PE class.

Assimilating Histories

Bangsa merujuk kepada sekumpulan manusia yang biasanya menetap suatu kedudukan geografi dan mempunyai persamaan dari segi bahasa, budaya serta pengalaman sejarah. -- some of the useful concepts I picked up from SPM Sejarah in a textbook sea of rubbish.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

There is an entire shelf of books in the library with titles like "Homosexuality and Psychoanalysis", "Sexual Culture" etc. Hence I've been indulging in a little bit of light reading of late when I should in all seriousness be studying relativity.

Of the very small sampling of LGBT writings I have had (our malaysian gay blogs notwithstanding), I noticed that the AIDS epidemic/pandemic is a recurring theme of angst and grief. In one of my favourites, The Queer Nation Manifesto, I found the following excerpt that wailed against the apathy of the US government agencies during the early days of the AIDS epidemic.

"I'm angry. I'm angry for being condemned to death by strangers saying, "You deserve to die" and "AIDS is the cure." Fury erupts when a Republican woman wearing thousands of dollars of garments and jewelry minces by the police lines shaking her head, chuckling and wagging her finger at us like we are recalcitrant children making absurd demands and throwing a temper tantrum when they aren't met. Angry while Joseph agonizes over $8,000 a year for AZT which might keep him alive a little longer and which does make him sicker than the disease he is diagnosed with. Angry as I listen to a man tell me that after changing his will five times he's running out of people to leave things to. All of his best friends are dead. Angry when I stand in a sea of quilt panels, or go to a candlelight march or attend yet another memorial service. I will not march silently with a f---ing candle and I want to take that goddamned quilt and wrap myself in it and furiously rent it and my hair and curse every god religion ever created. I refuse to accept a creation that cuts people down in the third decade of their life."

In "On the Meaning of Friendship Between Gay Men" I found the following:

"As for Greg's illness, it was said to have been cancer, although a friend in San Francisco phoned to tell me - to warn me, really - that it was due to a new and lethal gay-related disease. The syndrome was so recent that the term AIDS had not yet been coined; Greg's case was among the first in the nation. I was also told that I could expect to be interviewed by the Centers for Disease Control....I lived with an immense fear of AIDS for the next few years, until researchers finally established its mode of transmission."

And grief in "The Best Little Boy in the World Grows Up".

"The morphine level was set high enough to make it easy. But not breathing is not something most of us, let alone those of us as bright as Peter, readily do......And so after a quiet, peaceful while longer, his sister gently leaned down and softly said, 'Peter, it's okay. It's okay. You've done enough. You can go now.' And he did. He was forty."

And I was weeping in bed on that page.And I realize I shouldn't reduce thousands of people's struggle with the disease to "mere" emotional kitsch. Those works above described (partly at least) the experience of the American gay communities and individuals with the epidemic. How, on the other hand, did the disease affect our(*1) Malaysian LGBT scene/subculture/community and the "public" (are we not part of "the public"?) perception of "us"? What were the similarities between our encounter and reaction to the disease and those of the Americans?

(Start purple bullshiting:)
The gay LGBT rights movement is already budding in Malaysia. I would say we are very much behind some European countries in state recognition of LGBT rights(*2). But the term "behind" is problematic in a country whose muslim majority thinks Islamic customs must prevail when in conflict with the western modern human rights traditions. With the fight having been fought so many years in those "western" countries, we might find it convenient to adapt their rhetoric on rights, equality and adult privacy into our plight for greater freedom. Yet, will such rhetoric resonate with our local opponents who are often armoured with the notion of incompatibility between human rights and eastern culture or social stability? Is it necessary to explore strategies different from our western (imagined?) comrades, which hopefully would better promote our cause, or will our histories (thanks to globalization and our history of colonization?) prove so intertwined that we find ourselves treading again the western footsteps, as with women and labor rights?(*3)

------------------------------------------
Notes:

*1 - Curious how I use "our" when I only know not more than 5 gay men. I suspect I know more lesbians (or otherwise-queer female-bodied individuals) than I do gay men. (I dare not count!)

*2 - It must be emphasized that the so-called LGBT rights are just the same set of rights and privileges enjoyed by heterosexual Malaysians - freedom of expression and from harassment, whether by the state of individuals - which the LGBT people have systematically been denied.

*3 - I sometimes wonder whether Malayan women would have the right to vote, given the current ultra-religious climate, if the British had not "come" here.

Do Not Procrastinate Liao!!!!

1. Do homework.

2. Plan your major (Go talk to Department advising head)

3. Plan your winter break

4. Look for Jobs (Don't procrastinate liao!!!!!)

On Making English the Compulsory-Pass Subject

There has been talks to make English a "compulsory pass" in SPM. I don't know the exact definition of a "compulsory pass", but I understand it to mean -- if you don't pass English, you won't get the sijil.

Ridiculous.

Absurd.

Elitist.

Colonialistic!

What's the purpose of denying a student the SPM cert JUST BECAUSE he failed English? I mean, he might have passed other subjects! Can't give him the cert and just say he didn't pass English ah!

假

So there was this Pakistani guy, whom I shall assign the name Daha.

We know each other, but not well enough to call the other friend.

So Daha and I are both taking Linear Algebra this semester.

Daha took the "normal" Linear Algebra whereas I took the supposedly honors Linear Algebra which emphasize more on the theoretical (read: obscure) aspects of the subject, e.g. proving theorems.

Daha thought I was good at Linear because I got an A in the first midterm when he failed his.

So he'd asked me a couple of times, sort of informally, to teach him Linear, which I gently and politely declined, because the reason I got A was because the test was easy (evidence： in our second midterm, we got an open-book, open-laptop test. We got to work with partners. And the professor ordered pizzas. One angmoh sing during the exam, and I was like - "do you have a more soothing song?"）

Daha said I was very hardworking, because his friend saw me pulling all-nighters in the computer room a few times, supposedly studying, when in fact the reason I had to stayed up all night was due to poor time management and prior procrastination.

I said I wasn't hardworking, cuz I wasn't even studying.

To which he snapped, "Dude, why are you lying?"

He told me he got a B in this second-midterm. I told him B is not bad (since that should be a vast improvement from the F he got for his first mid-term, and I'm only hoping for a B　for my Modern Physics).

He said yeah B is not bad but he's still sad. I walked forward to hug him and he walked away.

----------------------------------
I...am...not...a...liar.

Deadweight Loss

Men discriminate against women, women teruk, but at least men can gain something.

Slave trade in America, whites discriminated against blacks, made them slaves in cotton plantation, blacks worked teruk teruk sometimes like animals, but at least cotton is produced, in a sense there is still productivity (at the expense of the black people of course).

Heteronormative people discriminated against homosexuals. Can I know what do they gain?



All these hooh-hah's against homosexuality by the Muslims recently, and their assumption that Islam is above every human rights instruments...make me realize how comfortable life must be for a majority who never needs to challenge his own assumptions, whose values allign with the mainstream society, by the definition of mainstream.

For one millisecond, I thought, kanineh, how good it must be as a Muslim in country. But I can't think of any good. No sex before marriage. Crazy people have say in all your private life. People tell you how to wear.

Seriously, got any good? But I guess there is no good in religion one la. Waste resources only.

------------------------------------------
Islam is a religion of peace：





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*Islam belongs to the 7-th century.

I Absolutely Heart This Song

In light of the falsehood that has been voiced over thiese few weeks regarding Seksualiti Merdeka by certain segments of Malaysian society and the subsequent upset of the festival, I thought we could use some saccharine sweet music to boost our morale.

This is Why I Hate Your Islam

Taken from here: http://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=445968578489439861&postID=3945137238038412655

"We don't hate you. We accept the fact that there is LGBT among us. We are willing to work among you. We will never randomly spit or harm you. But please don't force us to accept your sexual ideology like this.

Why you want to BOLD PROMOTE your lifestyle? It is like telling us that you want us to be like you.

In Islam, LGBT is SINFUL/PROHIBITED as similar to drink winery, eating pigs, pre-marital intercourse, or killing without any good reason. If there is any LGBT who also a Muslim, he/she/etc obviosly SINNER.

Many convention agreement or legal enactment about human rights but when certain part of it clearly contradict with Islamic practice, we Muslim accept the rules by Islam above the other no matter how not popular the rules is.

Sadly you're in Malaysia, you are living right in the middle of muslim community, so please don't contradict much when it comes to issue like this.

YOU ACTION IS LIKE ONE CHEERING FOR ROONEY WHILE SITTING AMONG THE FULL ENERGETIC CROWD OF LIVERPOOL DIE HARD."

Meeting Someone in Cambridge

Met a gay Malaysian guy this afternoon. This is like, my second time meeting someone who is gay whom I know online (does facebook count, haha). So I was quite excited.

We walked around his campus, found some place to sit and have tea (Indian Chai which taste like teh tarik I suppose). Basically just chat. And you know, I'm very bad at talking one...so it ended up him asking me a lot of questions and I answer. Haha.

Him: Which part of Malaysia are you from?
Me: Kedah. (I already know he's from KL.)
(chat chat chat)
Him: What are you studying?
Me: I'm not quite sure yet. But it's probably Biology, or Biological Physics, or Biochemistry.

(ok it's not just him who ask questions la...I also got ask, eg

Me: What's your thesis about?
Him: Oh...I'm writing on the topic of (bla bla bla)
Me: ooh...(oh shit DeluSion! Think! Think! What to talk next!!!)

Then he asked me whether I'm strictly into guys. So I say yes lo. "I'm quite strict. haha." [Actually not. Would I really care if someone in every way conforms to my (deeply colonized) ideas and expectations of a man and is extremely hot but has a vagina? I think no lo. But I think this is just an academic question la. How often do you bump into such guys.]
(Disclaimer: This statement shall not be construed to mean that I'm top.][Disclaimer2: The preceding disclaimer shall not be construed to mean I'm bottom.][Disclaimer3: Disclaimer 1 and 2 shall not be combinedly interpreted to mean that I'm versatile, versatile bottom or versatile top.]

You see the thing is that I usually avoid asking personal questions in a conversation because I'm scared of making people uncomfortable. That means I will even avoid questions like "Do you like coffee or tea." haha. So...haiz...like that how to talk? Sure run out of topics right...

So don't say I didn't do anything in the weekend!!

Yay, now go study.

Swallowed Words

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that we should think before we speak. A few days ago, I happened to be in the position of feeling fortunate after having prevented the utterance of an impulsive comment of my own, the materialization of which would potentially bring significant awkwardness to the social situation in which I found myself at the time.

There was this gentleman on my floor whose name was Ian. As we were no more than acquaintance of each other, in addition to my unfamiliarity with the American names, I had always assumed, though without much certainty, that his name should be pronounced as "Iron".

It so chanced one day, when I had to ask Ian about some petty matter not worthy of my readers' knowledge. Not wanting to bypass any social etiquette which I might not be aware of, I decided to address Ian by his name properly before the conversation should proceed.

Me: Hi! Erm....can I know what's your name?

Ian: (In his puzzled look) Ian. (ee-yan 燕）


Surprised by the correct pronunciation of the name, I quipped, "Do you know that means 'swallow' in Mandarin?"

Can you possibly imagine how I relieved I was by the fact that the last sentence was never actually spoken to Ian?

Moody Update

Things that made me sad:

1. CB Singaporean who exposed my weakness to me.

2. Having to pull an all-nighter to finish my Physics problem set tonight.

3. Scoring less than 1 standard deviation above average in my Organic Lab mid-term when I thought I answered all questions correctly.

4. Falling behind in lectures.

5. CB Singaporean

6. CB Singaporean

7. CB Singaporean

8. And to finally realize my sadness stems from my own weaknesses rather than what the Singaporean had said to me.



Things that make me happy:

1. Knowing I got a median score for my Physics mid-term, which mean I'm not the worst in the class. (build happiness on other people's pain ==)

2. Getting an A for Linear Algebra mid-term, while the math genius (whom I really admire) in class got A-, which actually showed me getting good grades in exam does not correlate with how smart a person is, which in turn devalued all the good grades I got in my school years, which make this a sad revelation actually. The American education system spat on my face. Lol.

3. Came up with a strategy to cut my food expenses, which is working well.

Sensual Pleasure

Hey I want to share a choir video with you guys. I saw it on tv a few years back, the soloist damn cute right?

Seriously Need to Get More Organized

1. winter clothing (either order online or shop! expensive or not you'll still have to get one! And soon!)

2. winter break housing (observe deadline!)

3. thanksgiving

4. Finish lab report after lab tomorrow, and pray lab will go smoothly.

Complaint

Roommate trying to teach someone differentiation OVER THE PHONE. And the thing about American men is that their speaking pitch is very very low! It makes me feel very uncomfortable most of the time.

It can be sexy when you hear it for 5 seconds, but the roommate has been speaking for like half an hour. It's really CB.

I think I can understand why the Singaporean so tulan my accent, though my pitch is definitely not as low as a "typical" American male.

-------------------------------------------------

Seriously, the Americans I have met so far are very informal. If I were on the one on the phone, I would have walked out of the room. Like, I apologise beforehand whenever I'm going to have a skype session with my parents. (e.g. "hey guys I'm going on skype for the next 20 minutes or so, is that alright?")

Good, now I can skype to my hearts content. Apparently American's tolerance for noise is much higher than mine.

Ineptitude

As much as I yearn for social interaction, I consistently find myself feeling anxious when they actually become available.

Usually I become very nervous as I'm uncertain of the progression of the conversation. Especially the case when I'm talking to someone "new". Once the conversation began, I will worry about how to end it nicely to avoid any potential awkwardness. So you see even before the conversation started I'm already thinking of ending it ==. I really don't know where this "performance anxiety" stems from. On one hand I am keen know it's good to form new relations, yet on the other I am tired of observing the social protocols that leads to the formation of such a new relation. I suppose in a world that works the way I want, people skip the introduction and start hugging and connect on a personal level immediately. So I suppose what I truly want was not so much social interaction but some intimate (YES! Intimacy is the word!) person-to-person, one-on-one...talk. Perhaps not just talk.

Now that I consolidated my anxiety into a blog post, what I need to do is to let the conversation happen "naturally" (Nothing is natural. Everything is cultural.) instead of worrying about it. But that's always better written than done.

Letter Unsent

Dear Papa and Mi,

我华文废掉了。

英语半咸不淡，怎么办zzzzz....

父母家书迟未覆，主要也是最近没干什么新鲜事。倒是刚才下午去了趟苹果园，生平第一次亲睹果树....也是这样罢了啦。不过很多苹果。终于明白榴莲为什么这样贵了。我们一粒榴莲，他们不知道几粒苹果了。

文化/语言/人事冲突？新加坡人讲我的英语腔很假。quote: "Do you speak like that at home? ...... It feels very.....not genuine." not genuine, 意思是“假”. 我的天，我希望他是用错字。不过.....not genuine.....很严重的leih.....(我知道我知道....不要太在意人家怎样看我们。有缺点就改....)有人给意见也好。ZZZZ. haiz, 这个课题可以写好几本书。有人讲学ang mo lang 讲话是"haolian", 可是你知道吗，我之所以不想Malaysianize 我的英文部分原因是我不想让他成为马来西亚的一部分，我觉得如果我用ang mo lang 的accent说英语，我就是acknowledge英语是外来的，是foreign的，非“本土”的。（那么华语又是“本土”的吗？）我觉得，当我们说着Manglish, 自豪的当作他是我们所谓文化的一部分时，我们真的是被殖民了而不自觉。当然马来西亚有它的殖民史，英语也的确已经融入我们的政治与社会文化，不过我觉得还是有必要好好梳理他的殖民元素，要有更多的反思，更多的自觉。不然，你看，英语教数理，我们的论述总是绕在“马来文没有经济价值”，“英语是国际语言”，“母语教学”。

英语社群最常说“英语是国际语言”，我觉得好恶。以为自己英文厉害是后天努力，其实根本就是环境因素居多，然后当人家英语差是落后，懒惰。Zzzz....一副英语代言人的模样。就是这副态度，你要马来人怎样相信英语教数理不会menggadaikan bahasa dan maruah bangsa.

话说回来我跟那个新加波人说话的态度也有问题。不过我真的觉得不是我的问题咯。好吧，我会注意。

记得download照片。

Identity Politics

Singaporean complained my English doesn't sound genuine.

"Do you speak like this at home?"

(extremely cautiously) "Erm...what do you mean...Like how I usually speak to you?

"Yes. Just like the way you usually speak here."

"erm...it depends." (oh shit.) "Like....erm....you see I rarely speak English at my hometown. I mean, I usually use English in an academic context. It's not a life language to me. Erm....so.....it's not like I'm trying to feign superiority over your Singlish accent by adapting to the accent of a white male American trying to purposely sound different."

"Cuz when you speak like that, it feels......not genuine." (wtf - I think your Singlish and 超级标准punya Mandarin cukup "non-genuine" lo, but I've kept it to myself all this while, understanding it as a result of politico-cultural conditioning.)

(pause 10 seconds)

"I'm just trying to adapt to their accent. I mean, I always thought of English as a foreign language, so I try to speak like how a foreigner would speak."

"But they are brought up to speak this way, you are not."

(American beside me looked awkward.)

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More socio-politico-cultural analysis coming soon. (Gee.....我真的很假meh? 我尽量做到真了leih...)

To-do List

1. Finish orgo reports in less than 12 hours. (不然吃自己。）

2. Write my own non-binding moral code.

3. Declare death of god.

University Application Essay

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

To Walk or Not to Walk

It was 7:30 in the morning. The voice from the public address system from afar was instructing the lower form students to assemble for the morning briefings. With my heavy bag on my shoulders and 2 textbooks in my hand, I hurried through the road beside the school sports field, hoping that I would be sitting safely in the classroom before the morning prayer started.

The prayers or recitals were a daily reminder of the special status of Islam in this country. We had them every morning, and sometimes before a lesson, if the teacher who entered the class was a Muslim. Living in a multi-religious society, Malaysians have been taught to respect each other’s religions since young. As students, we were expected to exhibit that respect by standing still for the prayer recitals. In the classroom, students who sat down during the recital were asked to stand up; outside the classroom, students who walked during the morning recital might be stopped by a teacher or stared by people around them.

When I enrolled into this school, I was curious about the rationale behind these frequent prayer recitals. According to a Muslim classmate, they were praying for gaining knowledge and benefiting from the lessons. I thought that was a beautiful, almost poetic cause for prayer, as it signified a student’s sincerity towards learning; however, I felt uncomfortable with the prayer’s undue pressure on students, be they Muslims or non-Muslims, as I believed it was the freedom of religion and belief that needed respect rather than religion itself. As a result, occasionally, I would continue walking even though I heard the prayer, to make a point that respect for a religion should not be forced upon students. I had been stopped by teachers, but sometimes, one whole class’ disapproving eye stares were enough to put my subtle rebellion to a stop. Over the years, I had found a delicate balance between walking in the presence of lenient teachers and stopping at once when the risks were too great.

In front of the staffroom, I could hear the voice of the ustaz (male Islamic religious teacher) from the loudspeaker reciting the morning prayer. After 5 years of secondary schooling, I was again in the same struggle that September morning. Should I stop? Continuing to walk right in front of so many teachers would no longer be seen as an innocuous mischief, but an open challenge to school authority!

The political atmosphere was tense after the 2008 general election. A parliamentarian had been detained without trial after having allegedly complained about the volume of sermons at a Muslim mosque. Given the racial tension, I questioned myself whether it was wise to walk amidst the prayer. For sure, I would be seen as being provocative.

I did not want to offend any sensibilities, but the very act of enforcing “respect” for a religion constituted an infringement upon the freedom of religion. I was aware of the status of Islam as the religion of the federation, yet as a minority it was crucial that I did not blindly waive my right and conform to societal pressure. We had constantly been reminded to respect all religions practiced in this country without an equivalent emphasis given to the freedom of religion. We were scared into our collective memory that if we were to freely exercise the rights enshrined in our constitution we might offend racial and religious sensibilities and put our long paraded peace and harmony at risk. But by giving away those rights, we not only learnt to “respect” religion, but essentially succumbed ourselves to authority. At that moment, I felt the need to liberate myself from the shackles of absurd political discourse normalized by repetitions. I decided to walk.

Just a few steps and Mr Fauzi was already shouting at me.

“HEY!”

I clenched my teeth and continued walking.

“HEY!”

“HEY BOY!”

I really had to stop.

--

When the prayer was over, I approached Mr Fauzi to clarify the reasons I continued walking despite his yelling. What was intended to be an exchange of opinions turned into mutual shouting. Angrily, he ordered me to go for class.

The aftermath of the incident was not felt immediately; however, I realized its full impact a week later when I discovered that a teacher had spoken badly of me in front of another class. Some teachers were no longer as friendly as before. I was thereafter labeled as the “smart but arrogant kid”.

After the incident, I grew defensive about my conduct at school, fearing that any mistake would further hurt my reputation. I was angry with the school, but also myself for acting impetuously. As a defense mechanism to my internal conflict, I tried to hate the Muslim teachers; however, that became impossible as soon as I thought of those the teachers who had nurtured my growth. How could I hate Mr Zulkifli who had come to my guidance at this hard time, or Ms Nurhaliza who had taught her Accounts class so diligently?

The damage to my relationship with the teachers took months to repair. As the prayer recital was rescheduled to take place during the daily assembly, I was saved the pain of deciding on whether to continue my rebellion or not after the incident. Nevertheless, I doubt if I would have the courage to continue walking even if the situation had remained the same. The ostracism I experienced had taken a significant psychological toll on me. Also, I would be applying to college soon, and I needed the recommendation letters.

The dilemma of walking during the religious prayer was never truly resolved. It opens up more questions regarding tolerance, freedom, and my ethnicity. Would the outcome have been different if there weren’t a language barrier between Mr Fauzi and me? When I thought about the real people I had hurt by my actions, I asked myself, “Is it worth it? Have I done anything wrong?” I couldn’t answer my own questions. This experience has forced me to re-examine the racial and religious identities of Malaysians and brought my understanding of the complexities of racial relations to a new level. (bullshit) Malaysia prides itself on being a harmonious, multicultural society. Strangely, it was through this conflict that I identified more strongly as a Malaysian.

-----------------------------
Islam sucks.

Your Islam Sucks

Quoted from Harian Metro:

"Tiada Hak Bagi LGBT"

KUALA LUMPUR: “Budaya di negara ini sama sekali tidak menerima hak LBGT (lesbian, biseksual, gay dan transeksual), apatah lagi Islam kerana perbuatan itu amat bertentangan dengan agama,” kata Menteri di Jabatan Perdana Menteri, Datuk Seri Jamil Khir Baharom, semalam.

Beliau berkata, hak yang diperjuangkan mereka tidak akan diiktiraf kerana negara masih berpaksikan ajaran Islam dan kegiatan itu amat bertentangan dengan syarak termasuk bercanggah dengan budaya negara ini.


Katanya, perkahwinan sesama jenis jelas berlawanan dengan sifat hakiki manusia dan gejala ini belum berlaku di negara, namun kerajaan tetap tegas berhubung isu berkenaan dan berharap semua pihak menghormati agama Islam sebagai agama rasmi negara.

“Memang diakui, hak LBGT sudah mula diterima di negara barat yang berpendapat itu hak mereka. Namun, kita tidak seharusnya mengikut mereka kerana negara ini mengamalkan prinsip Islam, ia sama sekali tidak boleh diterima.


“Sedangkan pertukaran jantina pun tidak dibenarkan menerusi pendekatan undang-undang, apatah lagi menerima dan mengiktiraf hak perkahwinan sejenis yang jelas berlawanan dengan agama mahupun moral,” katanya pada pemberita selepas merasmikan Seminar Pemahaman Kedudukan Islam di Institut Kefahaman Islam Malaysia (Ikim).


Mengulas mengenai seminar berkenaan, Jamil berkata, tujuan seminar itu diadakan bagi memberi penerangan lebih khusus berhubung kedudukan Islam dan makna Islam dalam perlembagaan negara.

“Penerangan itu amat penting bagi memberi kefahaman kepada masyarakat bahawa Islam digunakan sebagai cara hidup dan tanggapan Islam hanya digunakan dalam majlis rasmi adalah salah. Tanggapan itu perlu diperbetulkan.


“Saya berharap seminar ini dapat membentuk satu kefahaman yang konkrit berhubung Islam dan melihat maksud agama Islam dalam gambaran yang menyeluruh, sekali gus selaras dengan perlembagaan negara,” katanya.

----------------------------------------

Conversations

Setting: Dining Hall. Lunch Hour.

---------------
Bulgarian: So what do you think about the Economics mid-term?

Malaysian: ermmm...I think it was quite easy.

Bulgarian: Ya~! No wonder everybody studies Economics in Bulgaria.

Malaysian: ???????Sorry I don't understand.

Bulgarian: Oh. I mean in Bulgaria, usually people who don't know what they want to do with their lives, they study Economics. And law. We don't have many people doing the sciences.

Malaysian: Oh I see. Hmm....I think in Malaysia we tend to go for the sciences. (I stand corrected on this.)

Bulgarian: Yeah...you're like Asian countries. You're good at science and math.

Malaysian: No! You know, in a lot of Asian countries, the school place a lot of emphasis on the exams. So the students tend to do better in exams.

Bulgarian: Yeah! I just talked to (the kiasu Singaporean). He spoke like if you didn't get a perfect score in SAT it's like you fail! And my score was like....

Malaysian: Ahahaha. Then you must be exceptional in other areas.(omg I sound so fake) Though rumour has it that they expect higher score from Asian students.

Bulgarian: What? Because you Asians are smarter?

Malaysian: No! It's because we're so good at tackling the test questions! We're more used to taking exams.

Bulgarian: Like isn't that good! If you can answer the questions you have the knowledge!

Malaysian: It's not like that!!

Bulgarian: It's better to solve problems (science) than memorizing those commentaries on literature and philosophy and write them down in exam and forget the next day!

Malaysian: zzz.

-------------------------------------

Islam Sucks Sucks Sucks Sucks

Serbian guy: So, you want to go back to Malaysia after you graduate?

Me: (like why not?) Yeah. I don't know. I just want to be happy.

Serbian: Yeah of course. (==)

Me: It doesn't really matter where I stay. You know Ali?

Serbian: What?

Me: In Pakistan homosexuality is punishable by life imprisonment.

Serbian: Yeah, I heard his story.

Me: We have it better in Malaysia. It's just 20 years.

Serbian: (change topic)

-------------------------------------------------
Even till this day, I'm still unhappy that Chuah Soy Lek wasn't prosecuted for his "carnal intercourse" that was caught on video tape. I know the law is archaic, but law is law. If you don't think the law should be enforce, you repeal it, which Chuah Soy Leik as both a member of Parliament and Health minister had the resource to. But he did not. So we should judge him by the standards of the very laws which our parliament has found no need to amend.

-------------------------------------------------

377A. Carnal intercourse against the order of nature.

Any person who has sexual connection with another person by the introduction of the penis into the anus or mouth of the other person is said to commit carnal intercourse against the order of nature. Explanation

Penetration is sufficient to constitute the sexual connection necessary to the offence described in this section.

377B. Punishment for committing carnal intercourse against the order of nature.

Whoever voluntarily commits carnal intercourse against the order of nature shall be punished with imprisonment for a term which may extend to twenty years, and shall also be liable to whipping.

Islam and Our Future

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=147972871887834&set=a.142153495803105.22862.116341248384330&type=1&theater

Somebody's facebook status

Proof of how divisive religion can be:

firman Allah:Wahai orang-orang yang beriman! Janganlah kamu mengambil orang-orang yang menjadikan ugama kamu sebagai ejek-ejekan dan permainan – dari orang-orang yang telah diberikan Kitab sebelum kamu, dan orang-orang kafir musyrik itu: menjadi penolong-penolong; dan bertaqwalah kepada Allah, jika kamu benar-benar orang yang beriman.Dan apabila kamu menyeru (azan) untuk mengerjakan sembahyang, mereka menjadikan sembahyang itu sebagai ejek-ejekan dan permainan. Yang demikian itu ialah kerana mereka suatu kaum yang tidak berakal."-Al maidah:57-58



*roll eyes*

How can somebody be so clever yet religious is beyond me.

Sex Etiquettes

Is it acceptable to let your partner hear you pee in the bathroom before you have sex?

Macam Macam

I generally feel uncomfortable talking about people. I can't stand the cynical undertone which usually perfuse the entire conversation.

So there's this Singaporean friend. Nice person. Easy to communicate since, you know, he's Singaporean I'm Malaysian. Totally understand my lah's and ma's. (But you know la, each person is different, and sometimes their difference just happens to irk me. Please don't judge him by this post ok.)

So we share this mutual friend (Steven), or rather acquaintance, whom I personally find comfortable to be with, though socially awkward at times. That said, I'm not a social butterfly in the first place.

So whenever I brought up this topic about this mutual friend (international student), the Singaporean will comment on how weird he is. And I'd be like, "no...he's such a nice person". I mean, c'mon, is it really weird to follow a friend back to his dorm after having dinner together while engaging in a conversation?

Singaporean: But is it normal....to follow people back to their dorm...

Me: I would have done the same if I were in that situation. I mean, like now, we're talking, so it's natural to just follow you la, even if my room is at another side of the campus. (i'm stuyding at a small college. Every place is within 10-minute walking distance.)

Singaporean：(ok whatever)

Dropped the topic.

-------------------------------
Another American "weird guy" -- Collin

Singaporean: I know he's very smart, but he's weird.

Me: (enthusiastically) But he's so smart!!! (I　took the same math class with Collin)

Another Malaysian girl: And he sang everything in the class. Like everything!(course: Music in TV)

Me: But I like his voice. (heard him singing theme song of Pokemon before, lol)

Singaporean: He shouldn't be here. A person smart like him should be in MIT. The reason he wasn't accepted was because he didn't do his homework and so his grades suffered.

Me: (suddenly tulan the Singaporean) Why MIT?

Singaporean: Because he applied there?

Me: Yeah. He also applied to Yale and so many other schools. Why should he be in MIT?!

Singaporean: Ok fine. MIT or Yale or anywhere.

Me: (resist the urge to roll eyes.)

That said, MIT does have a healthy reputation of being nerdy. But nerd is great.


----------------------------
And yesterday, Steven, Collin and I just walked around the campus while sembang-ing! It all started with Steven asking Collin, "so...what do you want to do? Do you want to come to my dorm?" LOL.

Don't know what the Singaporean would think if he knew.

----------------------------
Conclusion: I worship smart people. == It just became clear.

Still remember the observation made by my cousin-in-law:

Cousin-in-law: 我发现DeluSion他很渴望从人家身上吸取知识。一旦你告诉他一些他不知道的东西，他就会一直缠住你，你就可以掌握他的注意力，然后......控制住他！！！

Cousin-in-law's wife, i.e. Cousin: ==

Trauma

I was reading a book on the emotional trauma went through by western/American gay men. One of those are betrayal by their first lovers (cheating etc), which the author pointed out may have a long-term effect on the psychology of gay men bla bla.

What I'm going to write on has nothing to do with sexuality though. The diagnostic criteria for "trauma", as written in the book were as follows:

1. Reliving the trauma: This can happen through nightmares, flashbacks, or reexperiencing as a result of being in the presence of stimuli reminiscent of the traumatic event.

2. Efforts to avoid thoughts or feelings that are associated with trauma.

3. Efforts to avoid activities or situations that arouse memories of the trauma.

4. Inability to remember some important aspect of the trauma.

5. Marked reduced interest in important activities.

6.

7.

8.

9. Hypervigilance (heightened sensitivity to possible traumatic stimuli).


When I read those, I immediately recalled this particular encounter with my form-6 math teacher. Sure enough, I dreamed about the teacher again, and he was yelling at me (and me yelling back) in the dream.

It has been more than one year, but every time I recall this incident, I still feel the angst and sorrow for having it to happen. The reason this conflict with the teacher had such a traumatic effect on me was because, of all the form-6 teachers, I was the least defensive to him (对他最没有戒心）。He was the type of teacher who came in class, taught, and left. He knew the subject he taught, and there were not much gossip or idle "sembang-ing" from him in class. Before the incident, if I had been asked who were the teacher I respected the most, I would probably say him. At that time, for some reasons, some teachers didn't really like me and passed bad comments about me, so I really appreciated a teacher who could just keep the teacher-student relation simple and professional.

But in the end, I was verbally abused by the same teacher for like 10 minutes. No, I let him verbally abuse me by choosing to remain in the room despite the crazy insults and accusations.

Even till this day, despite recognizing the knowledge he imparted (which I would have acquired myself if he had not), there was still so much angst for him, so much that I want him to die, to disappear. If I know he dies I will feel relieved from the implosions of shame inside me. Only if he dies I would forgive myself for my naivety.

Not My Intention

8:59 a.m. - Woke up. Shit, Physics on 9 a.m. So sleepy...can I skip class? Ok I'll skip, I wouldn't learn anything even if I went since I was so tired and sleepy. Ok, I'll go to the Organic Class on 11 a.m. Set my alarm to 10 a.m.

10:30 a.m. -- Still felt very sleepy. Ok, ok, I just need to get more sleep. Today's lecture material already covered in STPM. No need go.

12:50 p.m. -- Are you sure you don't want to go to the Econ class on 1:00 p.m.?

3:30 p.m. -- Shit. Brushed my teeth and went to Econ professor's office to hand in assignment.

First time skipping classes.

-----------------------

I'm pulling an all-nighter again to do my lab reports.

Lalala.

Update

I really shouldn't be blogging.

It's 2 in the morning and I still have 2 chapters of Organic lab techniques to read. One weekend's procrastination has casted the ensuing week into a total upheaval. I'm lagging behind in all subjects, perhaps except Economics. But that's because I haven't started doing the homework yet.

So, this semester, I'm taking the following courses:

Modern Physics (Vibrations, Wave Mechanics, Introduction to Relativistic Mechanics) -- killer subject

Linear Algebra (with emphasis on proofs)

This one is rather interesting, but quite scary as I'm slow at understanding proofs.

(Math Prof: Alright. We're going to define what is a plane in an n-dimensional space.)

Organic Chemistry

Introduction to Economics

The schedule should be manageable, until you throw in the labs! I hate labs!

O!M!G! I Love this!

http://youtu.be/G51k-Kq61C8

Do you think these women really did a lot of homework to be so pro???!!

Fun Home

It's a book by Alison Bechdel, some sort of graphical memoir of her distant father, whom she found out to be gay/bisexual after she came out to her family as a lesbian.

I was supposed to have read this book during the summer, which I did, and had a discussion among us freshmen and the author. I said it was an emotionally moving book to me. And that was mainly because her father was gay, and had hid that from his family, his wife etc.

I didn't really understand some parts of the book, because of the deep vocabulary and extensive reference to some western canon literature (e.g. Odyssey, however you spell it ==) which I had not read before. Homosexuality shouldn't be the focus of the memoir, but rather the relationship between the author and her father, as I understood from our discussion. Yet the part that moved me the most is the fact that the author's father was gay. I just felt so sorry and sad that he (presumably) was forced to hide, not able to share this delicate but significant part of his life, his being. To be honest, this was not explicitly mentioned in the book, but I sort of "imposed" my own personal (and short) journey onto the plot of the book, and I cried whenever the book was dealing with either the author's or the father's sexuality, even though I failed to have a full grasp of the book.

That said, I don't understand why we had to "dissect" the book by overarching analysis. For example

Professor: Ok, let's talk about the word choice of the title. Fun Home. What are the connotations of "fun" or "home", anybody want to share their thoughts?

Student1: The author's home is not a fun place to be, it's actually dark.....creates a sense of surrealism.....connotation.....

Student2: bla bla bla....which is what contributed the most to the emotionality of the book.

Student3: bla bla bla....which is akin to the works of (some famous author I never heard of) ...... through the portrayal of.......transition.....

That said....I recognize the benefits of being able to analyze and criticize a literature or an artwork and the impression one gains from the work. I suppose it helps us to clarify our thoughts and opinion or sentiments rather than simply allow ourselves to be flooded by emotions, which is a rather lazy thing I often allow myself to indulge in.

Funny things I Heard and Learnt

I heard,

"and look at his body! Everytime he shows up, it's like all the evil in the world just vanquish!"

I learnt,

how to say "Bitch, make me a sandwich" in American sign language.

==

---------------------------

Oh, not to mention:

Wednesday, August 31:

8:30am - 9:30 am

LGBTQA Breakfast

"xyz queer and allied group, would like to welcome all incoming students to a breakfast with other students, faculty and staff that are members and supporters of the LGBTQA community."

So going.

1st post from USA

I met someone from Georgia who look like you. It was crazy.

Departure

College Admissions Essay

Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study. (500 words)

-----------------------------------------

Biology and Me

I had hardly enjoyed attending Biology classes for the first half of my high school years. There were always names to memorize, processes to detail, and worst of all, most of the so-claimed facts could not be verified in a high-school lab. My focus was with the physical sciences then, as I felt the need to understand the fundamental laws of nature first before I examine a considerably more complex biological system. With that sentiment at heart, I dropped Biology after SPM and proceeded with Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics, and Further Mathematics in A-levels.

In the midst of endless calculations, I became aware of a missing element in my intellectual pursuit – the connection between my knowledge and my life. Without connection to my life, all the knowledge for which I was studying became meaningless. Almost everyday, I came across health news titles like “Chocolate Protects Against High Blood Pressure”, but I had no idea how much truth there was in that claim. It was in that exam-oriented environment that I realized I was not a cold, rational robot interested only in the circular motion of satellites, but a person who wanted to know the world and himself better. Biology, by painting a clearer picture of the obscure relationship between my human experience and the objective physical world, gives meaning to my life.

I took a U-turn in my academic career by quitting the A-level program and picking up Biology again in STPM. That proved to be a right decision. Studying Biology at an advanced level, I have been able to consolidate the biological knowledge gained over the years and synthesize new understandings from that foundation. A major in Biological Sciences would allow me to delve deeper into the subject and expand my perspective of life, in the biological sense and also in the general sense. With programs of study ranging from Biochemistry to Systematics and Biotic Diversity, any new area of interest I discover will be catered for at the College of Arts and Sciences.

Perhaps my enthusiasm in learning Biology is not entirely scientifically motivated. The heated debate on GM food, cloning, and embryonic stem cell research show that advances in Biology, notably in genetic technology, often have significant ethical impacts on society. Also, as most discoveries of modern Biology can be attributed to the western world, I personally feel that my Biology education would not be complete without a cultural and historical analysis of the discipline. As such, I would want to complement my Biological education with courses from the social sciences domain, or even major in Biology and Society.

Lastly, as a gay individual, I am aware of the power of social discourse in shaping the destinies of sexual minorities, thus I hope a solid background in Biology, perhaps coupled with a minor in LGBT(*1) Studies would empower me both socially and psychologically to see myself for who I am beyond the labels, and also remind me to exercise caution in using my power derived from knowledge.

---------------------------------------
*1 LGBT means Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered.

I was admitted by the school...but financial aid rejected. CB.

Love Letters, to the tune of 《笑忘书》

Go to video site for lyrics.

On the Stage

It was grandfather's birthday a few days ago. We had a family dinner at a restaurant.

Because everybody was like "ohh...DeluSion, I never hear you sing before lo" , so I sang Eyes on Me.

After that they were like "ohh...DeluSion, I don't know you can sing lo".

American Conversation

Calling to a US government department office. (a bit difficult to reproduce the speech patterns of the Americans)

American1: Hello this is Michael, how can I help you?

DeluSion: erm....I'm a caller from Malaysia, I just submitted my....

American1: ooo...Malaysia...from Kuala Lumpur? Wait. What time is it in Malaysia?

DeluSion: erm....three.....half past three.

American1: In the afternoon, or is it in the morning? （这个真的是废话的, 他那边都afternoon着。）

DeluSion: In the morning. (continue talking about my problem.)

.

.

.

(somewhere in the middle)

American1: Your English is very goooooodd.

DeluSion: (ter-flattered) Oh, thank you.

That doesn't come very often you know, lol. Good customer service.

2010年父亲节

前言：顾及个人与家庭隐私，本文父亲匿名“顺吉”。（跟真名差很远,haha.)

--------------------------

爸爸 我可以叫你顺吉吗？

几年前开始，当我认真仔细的看着你或想起你时 ---- 不单只是想起“爸爸”这个词，而是当你这个人的画面出现在我脑海时，我会有一种错愕 ---- 那是一种对你，这个人之存在的清醒意识。我会讶异 ---- 这个人，这样的脸孔，这一副身形，是我爸爸。“爸爸”这个词所指的是，这个人。这样莫名其妙的感觉几年来间断地出现 ---- 似乎我，有将你 ---- 我称为“爸爸” ---- 与一个有机体做连结的障碍。

或许我儿童时期从来没把你当成人 ---- 你是爸爸，“爸爸”就是你的身份，你就是你的身份。你载我上学回家，你修理水喉，你上屋顶，拿锄头，砍树，修剪篱笆草；你给我零用钱，你放假带我去旅行，你年尾大扫除布置家。我是通过你的功能认识你的。有什么麻烦，一声“爸爸”，你都能替我解决。上了中学，我们搬家，你也不再教书。你载我去等巴士，从巴士站载我回家，载我去补习，从city plaza载我回家，买晚餐，周末买早餐，换账单，给我补习费，给我零用钱，给我买书钱，换旧灯泡，修理马桶，载我去槟城绑牙，处理新屋的事。这是大部分时间的你。

我现在想，长期以来我是否工具化了你。你知道，我对这样的状态开始感到不安。你是“爸爸” ---- 你在我上学补习，买晚餐，修剪屋外的椰树枯枝......等等等等。但不知什么时候开始你已经开始变成人，我逐渐意识到你的“人性”，而这也造成我早期的困惑。

我爸爸是个人。我对我爸爸的感情，是对人的感情。我记得2008年的父亲节，我对你说：“爸爸。我爱你。”那是一句非常没有功能性的“爸爸”。我觉得我叫你顺吉可以让你 ---- 我认知中的你 ---- 摆脱“爸爸”缠人的功能性。就情感交流而言，他或许更能让我意识到你的人性 ---- 你不只是“爸爸”，你是一个有历史，有个人经验，的人。你不只是一个在30多岁时进入我认知的人，你还有，很多很多的层面。那是我以前不了解的。

写到这里，我又觉得顺吉或爸爸，可能都只是称呼。或许当我“长大”，“爸爸”的功能性也慢慢减少，你也越来越有了“人性”。

感谢你这么多年为我的付出，爸爸。

25/06/2010

01：50 a.m.

------------------------------

后记：感谢也只是讲罢了啦。没有行动。也不敢给我爸爸看到这封信, lol.

Beans

Cook bean burn bean pod
Bean cry in the pot
"Both of us same stalk
Grill me why so syok."

An Account of Masturbation Habits and Self Discovery

It is a truth universally acknowledged that 95% of men have masturbated in their life. The other 5% lied.

I discovered the joy of masturbation at quite young an age. A lot of literature books on sex education I had read spent a few lines talking about the emotional guilt arising from masturbation, male or female. Funny, but I never felt guilty until I read those chapters. (What? So I'm SUPPOSED to feel guilty for doing this?????)

I never quite fathomed the supposed "guilt", although I did feel anxious when I realized I had been fantasizing about guys rather than girls. So to sum it up guilt rarely influenced the masturbation frequency in my early teen years. That was until I read an online article discussing the health hazards of "excessive masturbation". At that time the article was convincing enough that I decided to reduce my masturbation frequency. To make sure I achieved that goal, I made a masturbation log book for myself, in which I recorded the times I masturbate on each day. Apart from masturbation frequency, I also recorded the time I woke up and went to bed everyday. Because of the sensitivity of the information contained therein, I devised a lot of codes for my record purpose. For example, the second and third days of my masturbation log book read something like this:

Wed. 23/11/05

Wake up - 0850

On Bed - 0015

'T' of MsB - 1 1/2 [Times of Masturbation]

Ej - 1 [Ej - Ejaculation]

R - No MsB for next week. [R - remarks]

Thu 24/11/05

Wake up - 1030 (sore troat)

On Bed - 0046

'T' of MsB - 0

Ej - 0

At some point, feeling anxious about my attraction for the same sex, I decided to record the thoughts I had for either sexes while I was masturbating or when I climaxed. Such notes first appeared on the 3rd week of my record.

Mon. 12/12/2005

Wake up - 1035

On Bed - 0040

MsB - 1

Ej - 1

R - (tragically torn between double-H) - need some mind exercises.

[Translation for readers: "double-H" means "heterosexual" and "homosexual". So what I meant was that I was very very torn whether I was heterosexual or homosexual on that day. "Need some mind exercises" means try to think about females instead of males to arouse myself.]

The entries became more detailed as time passed. For instance, at the first month anniversary of my log book, I wrote in the "remarks" column:

"struggling between Double-H (Aroused seeing G pictures)."

[Translation: G means "gay"]

As time passed, the log book served the purpose of monitoring my "sexual preferences" more than the original purpose of recording my masturbation habits. On some occasions in that period, I found myself masturbating just to confirm whether I feel homosexual or heterosexual on that particular day. I even quantified my homosexual tendency relative to my heterosexual tendency (e.g. Homosexual 60: Heterosexual 40) Perhaps I believed if I had begun to "feel" heterosexual on enough days, I would finally leave my "homosexual phase" behind and become "normal" like my peers. Of course, such phase transition never occurred.

The logbook ended on Friday, 24/02/2006. I stopped halfway while I was updating the entry for that day. If I remembered correctly, I was horrified by the amount of days I had "homosexual thoughts". The only conclusion for that was

The State of Mind of a Gay Teen

Sun. 01/01 - struggling

Mon. 02/01 - confused

Tue. 03/01 - confused

Wed. 04/01 - no reaction when talking abt Hets [translation: no reaction when talking about girls. School started. Guy friends probably talking about sex and women at school.]

Thu. 05/01 - greatly confused; torn

Fri. 06/01 - same

Sat. 07/01 - Same

Sun. 08/01 - Same

Mon. 09/01 - torn

Tue. 10/01 - torn

Wed. 11/01 - torn, aroused seeing cute guys in movie

Thu. 12/01 - torn

Fri. 13/01 - torn

Sat. 14/01 - severely torn

Sun. 15/01 - severely torn

Mon. 16/01 - severely torn [note: probably just learnt the word "severe"]

Tue. 17/01 - severely torn

Wed. 18/01 - heart speeds up when XYZ near.

Thu. 19/01 - same

Fri. 20/01 - heart speeds up seeing XYZ movie.

Sat. 21/01 - heart speeds up (H and also H) [Translation: heart speeds up in both homoerotic and hetero-erotic situations]

Sun. 22/01 - torn

Mon. 23/01 - TORN

Tue. 24/01 - TORN

Wed. 25/01 - heart speeds up seeing ABC movie

Thu. 26/01 -

Fri. 27/01 - Homosexual 70: Heterosexual 30

Sat. 28/01 - Homosexual 60: Heterosexual 40

Sun. 29/01 - torn

Mon. 30/01 - torn slightly

Tue. 31/01 - torn

Wed. 01/02 - H [homosexual]

Thu. 02/02 - H

Fri. 03/02 - TORN

Sat. 04/02 - Torn

Sun. 05/02 - torn

Mon. 06/02 - torn

Tue. 07/02 - undecided

Wed. 08/02 - undecided

Thu. 09/02 - 40:60

Fri. 10/02 - Torn

Sat. 11/02 - H

Sun. 12/02 - Torn

Mon. 13/02 - Torn

Tue. 14/02 - Torn

Wed. 15/02 - torn

Thu. 16/02 - less torn

Fri. 17/02 - less torn

Sat. 18/02 - attracted to M [i.e. male or men]

Sun. 19/02 - Torn (same as above)

Mon. 20/02 - torn immensely

Tue. 21/02 - H

Wed. 22/02 - H (ere seeing M) [Translation: had erection seeing nude male pics]

Thu. 23/02 - H

Fri. 24/02 - [note: last day of entry]

I rediscovered my log book a year later in 2007 under a deep pile of rubbish I kept in my drawer. As I reread the entries, it dawned on me that I must no longer subject myself to this pointless pain and struggle and begin working on accepting myself.

Weeks later in the bathroom, for the first time I looked myself in the mirror and went: "You...are...gay. omg... lol."

Alone in a car: "I....AM...GAY!!!"

Towards the end of the year, I began coming out to my close friends, and continued to do so in my form 5 year. The coming-out would not have been possible without the empowerment from the book by 欧阳文风《同根生》. Because I knew so few LGBT people, I thought everybody's experience was similar to mine, and if I told my stories to the people around me, perhaps, just perhaps they would understand. And with enough understanding the future gay teens or even children would not have to face the same fear.

Once I communicated the discrimination and prejudice I thought gay people face with a heterosexual peer. He was very accepting of me (I think), but his response to my complaint of prejudice was: "Sorry. But how did society discriminate against you gay people?"

I was flabbergasted by that question. (Like isn't it so obvious that we've been discriminated against all along?)

This whole long post attempts to answer that question. It is wrong for society to instill prejudice in children against a group of people, because like it or not a significant portion of children will grow to discover they are "those kind of people" whom they have been taught to fear, to mock and to ignore. Don't let gay teens and children fear, mock, and ignore themselves.

Night Travel

Last midnight, I returned home only to discover that I had been locked outside. Since I was lazy to call my family to open the door, I decided to spend the night driving around.

I didn't really know where I wanted to go, so I ended up in Sungai Petani.

Sungai Petani's town centre at night is really beautiful. For some reasons it reminded me of the night scene near Pudu Raya, KL. I especially like the building of a certain bank, whose name I have forgotten >.< (shit~!)

I also went to my old house in Simpang Empat before I drove to Sungai Petani.

I went to 7-11 in Kota Sarang Semut to buy tissue papers....because my stomach felt a bit "weird" while I was driving. Very happy I didn't need to use them in the end.

I regret not taking the chance to pee outdoors, since it was night time. I thought about peeing in front of the longkang of my current home, in front of police station, pee at the traffic light, or just roadside. But in the end I went to a petrol station instead.

For the Record: Torn Page of Notebook

I'm cleaning up my room, throwing away the exercise books and papers I no longer need. Unsurprisingly instead of getting rid of them I end up keeping a lot of my old notes and essays.

I'm keeping this page from my a memo notebook as well. It dates back to 09 July 2009, when I just quit A-Levels and returned to my SPM secondary school for Form 6.

09 July 2009

1. Apologize with Bio Teacher. (tick)

2. Ask L H H about the form, need to "sahkan" or not. (tick)

3. Ask Ch'ng about taking 5 subjects. Plausibility of taking practical assessment or opting for paper 4. Format of paper 4. Jior 鸟（old classmate name). (tick)

4. Go library. Study Latin prefixes & suffixes. (no tick)

5. MUET essay (tick)

16 July 2009

1. MUET Essay

2. Study Biology. Copy Biology Notes.

3. Catch Up with the class - Chemistry (tick)

4. Pre-Reading: Partial Fractions

5. Why is the sky red before sunset? (DeluSion's note: Sim 教Chemistry时讨论的。）

04 August 2009

1. Biology experiments. (Fern!)

2. Study Physics.

3. Clear Maths Chapter 3. (DeluSion's note: 这里埋下一年后和数学老师冲突的伏笔。）

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I'm making myself a Form 6 life archive!

I'm still unsure whether my Form 6 experience is what makes me or breaks me, though I definitely dread the thought that I did so little in past 2 years that no experience whatsoever had been precipitated.

Immunization Requirements: Chicken Pox

I'm trying to satisfy my university's immunization requirements for the past few weeks. The reason the process has to drag for a few weeks was none other than my procrastination.

Some of the vaccines necessitated by the university are:

1. MMR (Measle, Mumps, Rubella) *Mumps is probably "猪头皮"。

2. Tetanus, Diphtheria, accelular Pertussis (Tdap vaccine)

3. Hepatitis B

4. Varicella (i.e. chicken pox)

5. Meningococcal

I had MMR and DTP (number 2) vaccines 3 days ago, and took a blood test this morning which will hopefully show that I am immune to chicken pox, since I caught the disease when I was 5. The blood test (antibody titre) would not have been necessary if I knew which clinic my parents had brought me to for chicken pox!

Now that I think about it, I felt so stupid for testing for chicken pox antibodies, because the test costs me RM80, while the vaccine is probably cheaper. So I could have just taken the vaccine instead. ==

And the reason I kapsiao want to do a blood test was because 科技发展日新月异, I was under the impression that only 1 DROP of my blood was needed to run the test. But apparently they needed 10ml, which is about a third of the volume of a rolled-out normal Durex condom?!

*1 drop niah!

Surviving the 21st Century

Develop these skills in the next few years months:

1. basic web design (for a start, learn how to change your blog template from the present ugly green to something more refreshing.)

2. Improve English. (How? Tentative solution: improve mind to improve language.)

3. Become familiar with various online businesses, e.g. e-bay, online banking, Amazon, whatever.

4. Learn how to differentiate Windows from Apple.

5. Know what is Android, smartphone, i-Pod, iPad, iRobot.

6. Understand how unsupported ceiling does not fall down. (architectural, physical and engineering considerations.)

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*ok I'm just kidding with the 6th one.

Die liao la, Unemployed liao

• At least 1 year(s) of working experience in the related field is required for this position.
• Fresh graduates are encouraged to apply.

How am I going to have 1-year experience if I were a fresh graduate?!

Random

If I die, can I have my funeral held at night?

And play Clair de Lune by Debussy.

Vaccination

Just taken 2 shots of vaccine this afternoon.

A fever is on its way.

Sieh ah~

Marriage D'amour

I don't know what this song should be about. From its title "marriage d'amour", I guess it is about marriage. Perhaps a wedding.

I always knew the song by its Mandarin name on the score I used to learn this song - 《梦中的婚礼》literally "Wedding in Dream".

Since the wedding is in a dream, presumably it was not real. Is the wedding the kind the pianist/composer has longed for, or the kind the pianist dreads? Is it a happy song or a sad song?

I've thought that it is a sad, more precisely melancholic song. The wedding is something beautiful, and it is in the pianist's dream, if only the bride** were there. The bride is dead. So the wedding never materialized.

The bridegroom was recovering from grief. So I think this piece should be played with a tinge of grief of bridegroom from reminiscing his lover's and his past. Now that the lover is gone, the beautiful wedding remains a dream.

My current interpretation la.

**note: I used to "feel" the persona as the bride grieving over her fiance's death. Gave up figuring out how the transition of the gender of the persona occurred.

To be honest I suspect it occurred because I accepted my homosexuality. So it's okay to love men as a man. Of course, you can argue it both ways. For example, when I "feel" the bride playing, it could be that I am thinking of a male lover, which is natural of me. On the other hand, if I "feel" the bridegroom, well, I'm a man after all. But how do I explain the change of the gender of the dead lover (from male to female)? I don't know, but I guess my impression of a heterosexual wedding would be stronger than a gay wedding which I have never witnessed before, hence the difficulty in imagining a two men's wedding. Like who's going to wear the white gown, you see.

Now, to what extent do our feelings originate from our "inner self" rather than being the product of our social norms and collective imagination?

Workers of the world, unite!

When I was Form 2, for a few months I was interested in the national anthems of different country and spent some time to look them up.

The anthem of the former USSR (Soviet Union) is now my favourite.

Don't you think Russian sound so sexy in these men's voice?

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Transliteration:

Soyuz nerushimy respublik svobodnykh
Splotila naveki velikaya Rus'!
Da zdravstvuyet sozdanny volley narodov
Yediny, moguchy Sovetsky Soyuz!

Chorus:

Slav'sya, Otechestvo nashe svobodnoye,

Druzhby narodov nadyozhny oplot!

Partiya Lenina — sila narodnaya

Nas k torzhestvu kommunizma vedyot!

Skvoz' grozy siyalo nam solntse svobody,
I Lenin veliky nam put' ozaril,
Na pravoye delo on podnyal narody,
Na trud i na podvigi nas vdokhnovil!

(Chorus)

V pobede bessmertnykh idey kommunizma
My vidim gryadushcheye nashey strany,
I krasnomu znameni slavnoy otchizny
My budem vsegda bezzavetno verny!

(Chorus)

-----------------------------------------------------------

English Translation:

An unbreakable union of free republics,
Great Rus' has welded forever to stand!
Created in struggle by the will-of-the-people,
The united, the mighty Soviet Union.

Chorus:

Sing to the Soviet motherland, home of the free!

Bulwark of people, in brotherhood strong!

Party of Lenin, the strength of the people,

It leads us to the triumph of Communism.

Through tempests the sun of freedom shone to us,
And the great Lenin lighted us the way.
He raised peoples to the righteous cause,
Inspired us to labour and to acts of heroism.

(Chorus)

In the victory of the immortal ideas of Communism
We see the future of our country,
And to the Red banner of our glorious Fatherland
We shall always be selflessly true.

(Chorus)

Maybe I Just Hit Puberty Yesterday

我觉得我从来没有best friend这个概念。可能是我人际关系的失败。不过我中学时觉得我有蛮多good friends, so我也觉得ok lo...不会觉得内心空洞还是什么。

So你知道啦，中四的时候。不知道zomok, 朋友当中一群人就开始anti某个人（Q)。

我认为我没有跟着anti啦。当时我觉得这样做太恐怖了。当时还没出柜，完全不想让另一个人也同样感受那种精神与社交上的孤立与无助。况且我和他5年级时参加一个生活营，我的队员全部讲我Ah Pon 时只有他一个参我罢了。（谢谢。）所以当很多人下课吃饭时都不跟他坐同一桌，我（有时）就会去跟他一起坐。不是我跟他特别好，只是觉得有必要抗拒这种集体的愚蠢。

后来，另一个人，R，也被anti了咯。这次我没有这样“伟大”了。因为....我个人不是很喜欢他。Form1时一整天叫我Piano Girl，后来又给其他人起外号。我不知道为什么R这样还能受欢迎！我觉得是因为他很能做事情咯，就是不是单单会读书罢了。

中五华文有一段课文：

“因为朋友之间的关系是建立在平等和真诚基础上的，所以我们并没有太多的精力和理由去责怪朋友的不忠和背叛，最好的方法就是远离。”

我觉得再Q被孤立的情况下，我跟他很难建立友谊。因为我们的关系不是对等的。我对他的“好”（如果下课一起吃饭也能叫做“好”的话）在那样的环境下，不是纯粹情感的流露，而是富人的施予。

我不明白我们一群人为什么能够容许R不断的对周围的人施行语言暴力。I have no idea how R commanded the popularity that once was among our small circle of people. How did he earn the privilege of verbally assaulting anyone without any repercussions for so long a time? Friendship to him seems to be suspending the otherwise constant verbal assaults on his friends. Friendship, in his case, was endowed upon his friends. Maybe I am unfair towards him. Not that I really tried to understand him. And I don't think my heart was strong enough for that. I've never seen him in person again after an OldTown session interspersed with his jokes about a guy who broke up with his apparently lesbian girlfriend in 2009. (or 2010)

(Translation: 为什么他能够这样受欢迎har? 我觉得他的友情是一种施舍lo。就是没有讲人就已经很好了。讲人而不需承担（政治？）后果是他的特权。或许我这样讲对他很不公平吧。我重来没有真正理解过他。我觉得我没有这个能耐。）

***

Last year, a form 6 friend (S) deleted me from his facebook friend list. I have no idea what were the exact incidents that precipitated in his action. I understand I do have flaws that might annoy him, and I wasn't really the ideal friend during my form-6 years, so to his defense (which some of you may find unnecessary) that deletion perhaps was not without basis. But what exactly those bases were, I haven't a clue. And he did not delete from the MSN friend list at first (since I could still see his activity). But I chose to delete him after some struggle. My pride would not allow me to be on MSN everyday just to await his pardon.

***

o.O~if somebody don't feel syiok to watch with us, you have ur right for not following us~You can join your others friends~I dun mind~but pls dun everytime also not happy even with just watching a movie~No offense~lalalalalalalalala

This is not the first time you threaten to exclude me from a friend outing or gathering.

“因为朋友之间的关系是建立在平等和真诚基础上的，所以我们并没有太多的精力和理由去责怪朋友的不忠和背叛，最好的方法就是远离。”

But you have nothing to threaten me. My only question to your repeated threats is:

Are you serious?

Facebook Quarrel

==

Whatever.

人人有人人的样子。我有我样子。人有人样子。高兴就好。

I do not always have to be right.

I do not always have to be right.

I do not always have to be right.

I do not always have to be right.

I do not always have to be right.

I do not always have to be right.

I do not always have to be right.

okokok

okokok...I never studied economics (and always skipped the Finance section of newspapers), but I just developed the intuition that having the wealth of the country concentrated at a tiny class of people is bad for the economy as a whole.

Because

even if one person possess an awful lot of money (or wealth), and however extravagant its spending is, there is still a limit to how much it can spend*. So those money not spent is stagnant money, and somehow that is bad for the economy...

For the same amount of wealth spread to say 10 people, we have 10 people spending instead of 1. More spending, better economy.

---------------------------------------------

*You never heard of Investment izzit?!

Posted Here Because Cannot Post on Facebook

I must try to develop a more effective communication model that applies on people whom I just met, instead of keep using exclamation marks to artificially induce an atmosphere of excitement and unwarranted enthusiasm.

Like:

Omg!!

Yes, I also know her!!!

How you know!!!

LOL!

Not that the emotion is fake, but over time the enthusiasm tires me and emptiness creeps in silently.

KILL ME BAH!!!

Annoying Ppl (sometimes I'm one of them, I confess)

Met Ah Beng and Sakky Nah this afternoon. I'm not complaining about you two in this post, just other people with whom I coincidentally speak on the same topic.

-------------------------------

Do you find it annoying that when it came to choosing education path, people can just come to you and be an idiot? (Like, do I even know you?!)

Annoying Ppl (AP): Where you going to study?

Me: US.

AP: ooo, which U? MIT?

Me: == Brandeis University.

AP: Why you reject Singapore?

Me: (Is it any of your business?!) I don't like the country.

AP: Why you don't want go Imperial?

Me: Because I like US.

AP: Why not Purdue?

Me: Because I didn't apply. Bye.

--------------------------------------------

10 minutes later:

Ok. AP's questions are really not that offensive. Maybe I'm just feeling insecure with my decision. But. It would help if he rephrased the questions as follows:

AP: Hey, where are you going to study?

Me: US. You?

AP: oo...which U are you going? (I'm going to Antarctica by the way.)

Me: Brandeis University.

AP: So that means you rejected Singapore right? Can I ask why?

Me: ...just don't like the country.

AP: I remember you got an offer from Imperial College also right? Dunwan go UK?

--------------------------------------

HALA HALA MAYBE IT'S JUST ME LA!

--------------------------------------

20 minutes later:

And when I say I'm going to major in Biology, you say:

AP: What a waste. You so pro in Physics.

Me: (like wtf, did you see me do anything Physics-intensive before?!)

Posted Here Because Cannot Post on Facebook

死鬼，竟然讲我的笑话lame!~

!!

--------------------------------

10 minutes later:

OMG how can he say me lame!!!

In Support of Courage

A great deal of my teen years was spent on struggling with my sexuality and learning to understand and appreciate my emotion and desire as what they are regardless of what our heteronormative society portrayed them to be.

After mentally and spiritually liberating and purging myself of some of the ridiculous notions of normalcy, I felt alive again. For the first time, not only women can be beautiful, men too. For the first time, the beauty of maleness (which I obviously appreciate) was not limited to the dry vocabulary "handsome". Now, men are also gorgeous, pretty, and sexy. The (self-acclaimed) liberation has opened up a plethora of new aesthetical experiences.

Today I met up with a few friends coming home from studies. Apparently police has set up road blocks amidst the tension of Bersih 2.0 Assembly, even here in Kota Sarang Semut, 400 kilometers from the capital. We're not joining the street protest or the indoor assembly, but I think all of us expressed concern over the danger of wearing yellow on this Saturday.

The concern was valid and I don't question it. But who has given our government and its machineries the mandate of imposing restrictions on clothing? The roadblocks may have purposes other than banning yellow shirts, but without adequate transparency and proper explanations on the purpose of setting up roadblocks, the effect achieved are the same - now people avoid wearing yellow, whether the Bersih logo is printed on the clothes or not.

I grew up being told that some of my innocuous feelings go against the law and values of this country. When I thought I have freed myself from fear of being different, having found space to channel my suppressed feelings and people who would understand, it was so easy to believe that nobody could take away those internal freedom from me anymore.

I was wrong. Now, I dare not wear yellow for fear of being stopped by police, for fear of what would happen after being stopped by police. I felt being forced back into the closet again. I am appalled. After so long a way I have come, this is fucking not happening.

You know the Day of Silence that is observed in some schools of the US, where students voluntarily stay silent for one day to raise awareness of the silencing effect of anti-LGBT bullying and harassment at school. This Saturday, we will see a lot of yellow, but at the same time some yellow will be wiped out from our vision because of fear.

The blog will be in yellow these few days in acknowledgement of the courage of Malaysians in pursuing freedom and happiness.

So What Is This?

I had a dream when I was sleeping in the afternoon. (No, it was not a nap. I stayed up late, and only slept in the afternoon.)

About my mother wanting to have* suicide. (*note: I don't like the word 'commit'. It's too loaded.)

!

I was both confused and frightened as the dream was unfolding.

There was my "mother" who's exhibiting this strong urge to take its own life, me in the dream who was a confused, distanced spectator of the drama, and me on bed who could see the dream and was frightened.

There was one scene when father in the dream questioned my mother's suicidal intentions(*2) and my mother insisted on suicide because it's her plan. And my father gave a rather comical response. Basically he was like, "wtf, if I had known you would want to commit suicide at 50 years old then I wouldn't have married you." And then I woke up.

[*2note: The me-on-bed actually experience the emotion of my "mother" in the dream, whereas father is just him. His character is convincing, but I was not able to read his mind in the dream.]

Throughout the dream, my mother did not do anything immediately dangerous. The tension of the dream was controlled by the strength of my mother's intention to end its life and its open expression about it. Obviously I am the person who experienced the tension as I am the one who had the dream, but the reason I was able to link the tension to my mother's intent or emotional state was that I, the person who had the dream, experience the SAME thought of my "mother"-in-dream.

There are two possible inferences from that:

1. The suicidal "mother" in the dream was me. She played out my thoughts, expressed by feelings, but assumed the identity of my mother.

2. I projected myself onto my mother. (This sentence doesn't really make any sense, does it?)

And there's another "me" in the dream - the third-person "me" who was just confused about what's happening. He's a third-person, because I, the real-life me, cannot read his thoughts. But I know he's pretty distanced from the drama.

And that I started to think more deeply about the dream as I write, I don't know which "angle of view" did I use to observe the dream. First I was the "mother"- her emotion are largely the emotion I went through in the dream, but the story was not told in the "mother"'s view. It was like watching opera, scenes after scenes, "mother" solo-ing on how she wanted to die. And the in the next scene father confronted "mother". Then the camera focused on the third-person "boy"(me as a character of the drama) about how he feels, how he's confused about the scenario. Actually his presence is quite annoying now. WTF is he doing there? Who am "I" in the dream? The "mother" or the "boy" who's just watching and frightened? The presence of the "boy" annoys me because I couldn't decide on what he felt about his "mother"'s death. When I felt frightened, did that feeling come from the "boy" or the objective, real-life "me" who was lying on the bed? Because at some point of the dream I can tell that the "boy" was just "whatever-I-don't-care"!

Are you familiar with the story line of the Harry Potter series? In Book5, Order of the Phoenix, when Harry had a dream and saw Nagini (the snake) bit Mr Weasley? He was also confused by the dream wasn't he, because first he saw the event from the eyes of the snake, but later when he recounted the dream to Dumbledore he talked about it as if he was watching the dream from a television. http://www.leakylounge.com/index.php?showtopic=61702

So at this moment I guessed that there were 3 personas whom I played in this dream.

1. The "mother" who expressed my suicidal thoughts.

2. The "boy", who was confused and indifferent about what was going to happen.

3. Me. The real-life me. Omniscient about everybody's thought. (But I still don't understand! Why the "boy" was there when I already AM both the "mother" and "me" (real-life me).

To a certain extent, everyone in the dream was me! Even my "father" was me! He was expressing anger about the "mother" thinking about killing himself. Outraged at how things did not go the way he wanted etc.

And to a certain extent again, the dream exposes the interaction dynamics of me and my parents. My father, as represented in the dream, is the parent who gave a stronger impression to me. In the dream he expressed anger and frustration, and I could see a clear image of him in the dream. In real life, I usually think that I know him better than mother, because I feel that I could more easily sympathize with him. Whereas my mother, over the years my teenage temper has made her cautious of the words she speak to me. And I really never felt what I understand she was thinking. Her life is mundane - she cooks, she sweeps, she stitches my clothes; all the stuff I don't really care - I don't have to care. I understand this sounds ungrateful but it is what it is. I understand so little of her, that she felt so.....hollow. Empty. And was her character so empty that I could already fill up thoughts and actions in her shell as happened in my dream?!

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*My mother had better not read this.