STPM Trial

Hello people. It seems like I have abandoned my blog. Been quite busy with some paper works and exams recently. In fact I'm currently in the midst of my STPM trial at the time of writing, of which I trust most of you are aware.

I've just drunk coffee, and I'm quite "high" at the moment. I usually drink coffee when I need to do my revisions or attend my physics tuition class. You know, the activities that demand focus of the mind. I'm really bad at paying attention, partly due to my laziness. The way I study or do my homework, is like I'll study 15 minutes, then walk here and there in the house for 45 minutes, then study again for half an hour, then it's time for dinner. After dinner, relax for 1 hour, then study for another hour. So people, I cheat you not when I say I only study at most 2 hours per day. But since this is the trial exam, I tried to work a little bit harder, by studying from 11:00p.m. to around 4:30 the next morning, for both Chemistry and Physics. (For two consecutive nights, God forbid!)

I've already sat for the pure Maths paper. This Wednesday when I was in the staff room, the math teacher who marks our paper talked to me about my answering style again. According to most teachers, I "follow my own way" when I answer the questions. I'm too lazy to defend myself. And I know people including myself would think that the teachers showed concern for me by reminding* me to answer according to the marking scheme. But the situation gets so disappointing when I realize I couldn't change my "style" amidst the constant reminder*.
* AND I CAN SWEAR TO YOU IT'S MORE THAN A GENTLE REMINDER!

I literally marked my own Maths paper 2 of the Mid-year exam, because the teacher (Lim) said he couldn't read my answers because I "never follow" his way. Yeah, bloody hell! The comments he made made me so humiliated, and of course, I flamed him back and told him I would come back later to mark the paper, as I really needed time to cool down at that moment. On my way to my classroom I was sobbing already.

After regaining my composure, I went back to his office again. I had persuaded myself to think that the reason he wanted me to mark my paper was to make me understand the marking scheme and try to adhere to it the next time. Things go quite well initially. Whenever I was unsure of the marks allocation I would confirm it with him.

When I finished marking I told him I would not write down the total marks, because only a teacher could do that. He insisted me to write down the marks, and I did. In the process of persuading I tried to argue politely. I was close to pleading but to no avail. So in the end I gave myself a 85 out of 100 which I thought I truly deserve. (At some parts I was unsure of the marks I was supposed to get, but the teacher just wouldn't tell me how to give the marks, saying that I could just give any marks I think I deserve, I was so tulan, so I gave myself full marks for those questions.)

(The way I write it makes me appears like a saint. >.<)
And we did manage to say out what we thought about each other before I left the room all shattered to pieces.

老师：我这个人是这样的。什么事情我最多只讲两次罢了。第三次我就是用打，或者我不要采那个人了。你进来（form 6)时我就跟你讲了，去年九月讲你讲到现在，你还是没有改。我早就放弃你了。

Me: Oh, please don't give up on me....(苦笑)

老师：没有，我早就放弃你了。上课我教书时你没有听，做自己的东西。

Me: 那个是去年的事情。你的notes我还是有抄的吗。有时候是好像，你教着第二题，我做好了，我就先做第三题；还是你教到第三题了，我第二题还不明白，我就继续做咯。这样罢了吗。

老师：可是去年你完全没有听吗。我去年就已经放弃你了。

Me: （你去撞墙啦。）

--------------------
At this point, my eyes were sea-watery, and nothing could be saved. I was furious. If I was to leave this room hurt, I wanted to try, at least, to inflict the same pain on him.

I was physically speechless. I stared at him, summing up all that were left in me to control my breathing.

Me: 我不知道你怎样看待我啦.....

老师：我没有怎样看待你。

Me: (You shut up!!!) 我不知道你怎样看待我啦。我作为一个学生，你作为一个老师，你教数学，我有学到数学。单凭着一点我就应该尊重你了。我不知道为什么你要这样....

老师：我教书时你没有听，做自己的东西。那叫做尊重meh?

Me: 过后我有听了是不是。

老师：可是那时候我已经放弃你了。我这个人是这样的。(refer above)

Me: 很遗憾啦。


And I left the room, wailing all the way to my class.
--------------------------------------------

Things are not going to end like this. I needed support. I made it known to everybody in the classroom, how I was treated by the teacher. I wanted to pull them to my side before they heard anything from any kepo teachers. It happened once, I wouldn't allow it to happen twice.

---------------------------------------------
I know I have issues. Most teachers don't like me, I don't like most teachers. I'm lucky to have parents who are always ready to listen, despite my shit attitude.

On the same evening, I told my father about the incident. I feel very sorry that every time I have problems I will throw it out on them.

Me: 我....又跟老师起冲突了。哈哈。

爸：Zomok你每次都跟老师起冲突的har? 跟老师相处这样难啊？

Me: 我....我.....算了。跟你们讲也没有用的。

(Run into room and cry.) >.< useless me.

So I told them the incident la, say how I hate the teacher la, want the teacher to die la....They tell me the teacher is good la, just want me to know the marking scheme la, just his approach a bit blunt la.....

Of course I couldn't listen to them la. I just wanted them to agree with me. Don't want lecture. Basically I was shouting and my father was still trying to give advice.

Me: 你什么都不要讲！！！你同意就可以了！！！！
--------------------------------------

On the next morning (it was weekend), I brought up the issue again.

Me：我不知道他教书这样多年，残害多少个学生了！

Father: haiz...你很极端啊DeluSion. 你想东西很极端你知道吗。

Me：你讲我极端？你讲我极端？！？！kionggarn. 我受够了，我受够了！啊！！！
(爸妈，我知道你们也受够了，I'm sorry.)

(Take car keys, drive out of the house)

And I drove to Pendang from Alor Star. I thought about driving to Sungai Petani, just for the sake of it. But I only had 20Ringgit in my wallet, so I thought better don't. (Harry: that was how I “ 顺便”go to visit you.)

-------------------------------------------
When I returned home, the conversation continued. It ended with my father 讲泄气话：“你对啦，你对啦。”
Thank you dad. That was all I wanted.
-------------------------------------------
And life goes on.