tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-220325862024-03-28T13:47:12.364+08:00It's time to move on.Alright I'm 21.Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.comBlogger199125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-68755023727377141442012-12-09T17:12:00.000+08:002012-12-10T13:30:47.093+08:00Spontaneous, but ultimately contingent upon environment conditions, thoughtMost of us probably have some sort of stubbornness; some are inflicted (correction: afflicted) with the unfortunate stubbornness that is religion.<br />
<br />
<br />Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-3261618712959457232012-10-17T15:18:00.004+08:002012-10-17T15:23:57.477+08:00Hurting People Around Me<br />
I just realized I hurt someone really badly a few hours ago.<br />
<br />
Or rather, that someone made me realize how badly I'd hurt him. Or so he reported.<br />
<br />
Not that I wasn't aware that my behavior toward him, or people in general, are...not good, in the sense that I keep people at a distance. Though I always attribute my emotional distance with people to my lack of so-called people skills, it never occurred to me that that could cause pain at such intensity.<br />
<br />
Of course, what I did (or did not do) to him, was not only emotional distancing. It was outright.....rude.<br />
<br />
This incident, or as I prefer, life episode, apparently confirmed the suspicion that has been boiling painfully (awkward metaphor) in my head - part of the lack of people skills is actually due to - I don't care about people. Always me me me.<br />
<br />
I apologized to him profusely, but alas, he formally acquainted me to the concept of "self-serving apology". To quote his (reproach^10), "I am sorry for the people who have to deal with you." Much less than being offended, I was, relieved, by this verbal affirmation of what has been quietly brewing behind my mind - that I don't deserve the nice people around me. I'm really a jerk.<br />
<br />
I don't know.<br />
<br />
I'm not sad. The rational mode of my mind is becoming aware of the emotional hollowness within my shell, yet my ugly basal instinct slyly celebrated my ability to involuntarily cause pain.<br />
<br />
Me me me.<br />
<br />
Peace.Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-2267800763387613122012-10-01T17:25:00.000+08:002012-10-01T17:31:05.491+08:00FetishNext time when I give a blowjob I want this song blasting in the background:<br />
<br />
<br />
<iframe width="400" height="225" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/UjRGyWDVxEA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Or someone giving me a blowjob while I <s>read</s> recite the bible.Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-63557075938778389662012-09-05T08:55:00.001+08:002012-09-05T08:55:39.964+08:00Struggling with EnglishI am taking this "English" course - Postcolonial Theory this semester. The reason I put quotation marks on English is that the content and design of the course do not match my one and only understanding (or imagination) of English as an academic field. I am used to understanding English as a discipline motivated to learn, clarify, discover, explore the spatial and temporal paths and trajectories through which English as a language evolved into its present forms, and how the cultures mediated by the language have been interacting with one another.<br />
<br />
It is, however, immediately obvious in the class of Postcolonial Theory that we are not and have not been doing that stated goal which I had in mind. We spent a lot of time talking about what the terms "colonialism" and "post-colonialism" mean, how the various definitions are inadequate or problematic. I could agree that words describing human experience and social phenomenon are not and would not be as exact as scientific terminologies as their meaning becomes destabilized and contaminated by various additions through common usage by speakers with differing opinion and understanding. And there is always the problem of the scholar being part of the system being observed, i.e. society or the World. Hence although a scholar might be able to coin and present a new term (such as post-colonial) with its intended meaning, the meaning of the new word, having been used and re-used by others, shifts. (wtf) Hence the need of clarification of the possible meanings of a word and subsequent sieving of those meanings that would be applied in a discusion when a word is introduced to a scholarly audience (i.e. our class).<br />
<br />
Ok Whatever.Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-2373058907834580372012-07-12T11:45:00.001+08:002012-07-12T11:46:27.015+08:00Pink Dot 2012 Video: Singapore win liao la!<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="225" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/aVo6U6BdB6g" width="400"></iframe>Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-23223297934267890802012-05-25T11:58:00.004+08:002012-05-25T11:59:46.811+08:00Coming out Scenes in Films<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/6nuJrdLuUTY" width="420"></iframe><br />
<br />
Dad, this is your Peter.Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-82096660721929823572012-05-02T17:42:00.002+08:002012-05-02T17:42:26.741+08:00On Reconfiguring My Feelings and Building a Queer-friendly mode of experiencing romanceIgnore the title.<br />
<br />
Obviously what I am claiming in this short post is informed by my own personal experience, which may or may not be generalized to other people.<br />
<br />
Even though I have never been in a romantic relationship and I do not think I am presently ready for or capable of one, I still listen to modern love songs and watch movies, these cultural products in turn inform my understanding, expectation and fantasy of romance. <br />
<br />
I believe, growing up in a heteronormative environment, most of these movies and pop songs produce, promote, romanticize, encourage and reaffirm binary, stereotypical gender role-playing in a male-female relationship. As gay males, while consuming these movies and pop songs, we were presented with unexpected freedom to identify with the male character, the female, or alternating between the two. I had generally been inclined to consume the plot of these movies in the position of the female character.<br />
<br />
Love songs by male singers typically have an assumed, if not explicit female "audience", filled with the lyrics sanctioned by hetero-, phallocentric society, 2 degrees of separation from the song of my heart.<br />
<br />
Female singers sing in feminine voices; those were not "my" voices.<br />
<br />
I feel it is important for me, if I ever love, to love with "my" image and "my" voice; so that the feelings are not distorted as I; so that I don't have to squeeze and force them through oddly-shaped categories; so that I could dismiss questions like "so are you the guy or girl?" as nonsense as I know what sense is; so that I could experience, and express love and tenderness with my body and my voice, as equal of another guy.<br />
<br />
Toward this end, I have been looking up male version of English songs originally sung by female singers.<br />
<br />
So far I have listened to:<br />
<br />
Innocence, When You're Gone, I'm With You by Avril Lavigne<br />
My Heart Will Go on by Celine Dion<br />
A Thousand Years by Christina Perri<br />
Baby by Justin Bieber (this is an exception)<br />
<br />
Listening to these songs in the male voice makes me feel, I don't know, feel as though I have been given back something that I long should have.<br />
<br />
Even if it's just a script, a manual for romance, at least now it's closer to experience and actuality.<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="294" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/xTZXKvi9lNQ" width="390"></iframe> <br />
<br />
<br />Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-11780409035493477432012-03-26T04:20:00.004+08:002012-03-26T05:37:07.805+08:00A Genealogy of Discontent<div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><blockquote></blockquote><blockquote>"Yes, but we need to analyze what contributes to the emotionality of this piece."</blockquote><blockquote></blockquote><blockquote></blockquote></div><span><span style="font-size: 100%;">Dear father and mother,</span></span><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; ">You must have sensed the growing emotional distance between us. Mother was the first to have noticed or spoken out about this, the way I remember it. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span style="font-size: 100%; "><blockquote>"Our mother, too, likely sensed that we were different. She moved in to protect us from what she rightly sensed would be a slow and subtle betrayal by our fathers. She nurtured. She favored us. She over-validated us to compensate for the betrayal she saw us suffer."</blockquote></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span style="font-size: 100%; "><br /></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span style="font-size: 100%; ">Dear Papa,</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span style="font-size: 100%; ">My first recollection of having to need mother to interfere between us was when I was 11, when we ran out of stamps at home and I needed you to buy them for me. You were in the bathroom, me standing outside arranging words in my head. Mother saw me and had to encourage me to speak with you. I don't know the exact reasons which made me anxious about asking for money to buy stamps. (Fucking stamps!) Years later I learnt that was a stressful period of your life. That contributed, partly, to your stricter parenting style at that time.</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span style="font-size: 100%; "><br /></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; "><blockquote>"Of all the invalidation we will receive in our lives, this is by far the most damaging. The first man that we love - arguably the man we will love the most in our life - is incapable of validating us at a time when we need it most. It is emotional betrayal of the worst sort."</blockquote><blockquote></blockquote>I'm sure, as I later learnt, that your change in parenting style is somewhat intentional. You believed that as my adolescence drew near you needed to instill a stronger sense of discipline before my teenage rebellion kicks in. Somehow I felt I have never really been rebellious in my teenage years, unless you count the time when I kicked you as you threatened me with that 30cm wooden ruler during a heated quarrel. I was 13. If my lack of rebellion was anything desirable, I credit it not to my personality but your recognizing the need of a new and more liberal parenting style. <s>Of course, I was quite possibly a boring studious A+ student myself. Now I look back at my teenage years I hope I had been more assertive and adventurous. For example if I were a girl I wished I had run away from home with some random, tatooed guy and fucked around. (I LOVE SEX! I LOVE MEN!) Somehow this social drama script is not available for boys. There is something against The Script about a teenage boy who runs away from home. I can imagine how I would as a parent forbid my son from coming home for a long time if he were ungrateful enough to run away from home. There is some independence and abilities required of boys in order to rebel, something I definitely lacked in my teen age.</s> <blockquote></blockquote><blockquote></blockquote></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; ">Around some time when i was 8 you started criticizing my supposedly <s>feminine</s> effeminate mannerism, from the way I walk, my table manners, and the way I speak - in your words "don't speak through your nose." I tried to fit my behavior to your expectations with little success. At one point it was impossible to walk or speak in front of you without inviting some form of scolding. And so it became impossible to walk or speak in front of you. I honestly believe you were just trying to rectify what you saw as my weakness, some wrong, and that none of the strong words were used with the intent to hurt. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; "><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; ">-----------------------</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left; ">(to be continued)</div>Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-56913389658273145212012-03-19T02:10:00.002+08:002012-03-19T02:26:37.706+08:00Next Year's RoommateSo in my college, and probably in a lot of others, when it comes to housing, returning housing were given a lottery number which indicates their priority in room selection. I got number 68 out of 900 people, that means I get to choose my room before people with the number after 69. <div><br /></div><div>And you know Americans....dia orang punya pattern banyak. Not only can you select your own room, you can also choose to what they call "pull in" people to become your roommate or your neighbor (notice how I spell "neighbor" rather than "neighbour" lol). Since I got a pretty good number, a few friends approached me to ask me pull them into the room they want. But I can just pull in a roommate and a neighbor, so the others I have to turn them down == </div><div><br /></div><div>But a lot of people wanted a single room, so I had some trouble finding a roommate. I was basically selling myself to people, like</div><div><br /></div><div>DeluSion: hey, do you plan to stay in a "double" room? How about me for a roommate? I'm pretty quiet, respect privacy.......</div><div><br /></div><div>It's kind of like selling yourself in a way, lol.</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, in the end I decided to be roommates with a Filipino guy (he's not gay by the way if anybody is wondering).</div><div><br /></div><div>The night before we chose our room, we were having dinner with a few friends.</div><div><br /></div><div>DeluSion: Alright I think we need to talk about rules and protocols.</div><div><br /></div><div>Roommate: ok.</div><div><br /></div><div>DeluSion: Wait. Do you snore?</div><div><br /></div><div>Roommate: Ya. A little.</div><div><br /></div><div>DeluSion: oh shit.</div><div><br /></div><div>Roommate: .......</div><div><br /></div><div>DeluSion: What do you think about masturbation?</div><div><br /></div><div>Roommate: ...... Fine I guess? Just put a sock on the door knob?</div><div><br /></div><div>DeluSion: What do you think about masturbation when the other person is in the room?</div><div><br /></div><div>Roommate: ......err....as long as you're not pointing at me.</div><div><br /></div><div>DeluSion: What about nudity? Is it ok to change in the room?</div><div><br /></div><div>Roommate: Yeah.</div><div><br /></div><div>DeluSion: Guests?</div><div><br /></div><div>Roommate: I don't usually have guests; but it's fine if you want friends to come over.</div><div><br /></div><div>DeluSion: Cool. What about "special" guests?</div><div><br /></div><div>Roommate: Yeah, just put a sock on the door.</div><div><br /></div><div>DeluSion: Can I just text you?</div><div><br /></div><div>Roommate: yeah.</div><div><br /></div><div>----------------------------------------------</div><div>(later)</div><div><br /></div><div>Roommate: Are you really going to ask girls to come over to have sex?</div><div><br /></div><div>DeluSion: Oh no. I'm gay.</div><div><br /></div><div>Roommate: Sorry, I mean guys. </div><div><br /></div><div>DeluSion: errr.....not really. Just in case, you know. Not like it's not going to happen very often!</div><div><br /></div><div>Roommate: Ok. So what you put on your profile is not just a joke?</div><div><br /></div><div>DeluSion: No. (I say I'm interested in men on facebook.)</div><div><br /></div><div>Roommate: hmm...you're pretty brave.</div><div><br /></div><div>Delusion: Not really. haha. </div><div><br /></div><div>Roommate: You thought nobody will read it right?</div><div><br /></div><div>DeluSion: Yeah.</div><div><br /></div><div>-----------------------------------------</div><div>Ah, I like my roommate.</div>Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-76041479459099772632012-02-16T02:08:00.001+08:002012-02-16T02:11:02.281+08:00(Title becomes Unnecessary)<iframe width="400" height="233" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/cA1nL9TejXM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-78863881938762115992012-01-28T04:49:00.003+08:002012-01-28T04:50:36.416+08:00DreamI woke up from a dream in which my mother was diagnosed with some terminal stage heart disease and father died in car accident. Cried like siao in the dream.Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-49482678257068436752012-01-18T13:13:00.003+08:002012-01-18T13:35:22.807+08:00Shopping PeriodOne fun thing about most American colleges is that the undergraduate students get to "shop" for classes in the first one or two weeks of the semester, which means we can add or drop classes as we like during the two-week shopping period. That is possible because in most cases, students have the chance to take any course they like, regardless of their majors or concentrations, provided they meet the course pre-requisites. For example, although I only plan to take 5 courses this semester, my time-table for Wednesday look like this because of "window-shopping":<br /><br />8:00 - University Writing Seminar<br /><br />9:00 - Introduction to Thermodynamics and Statistical Mechanics<br /><br />10:00 - Modern China - Ming to Mao<br /><br />11:00 - Organic Chemistry<br /><br />12:00 - Quantum Theory<br /><br />1:00 - Introduction to Computers<br /><br />2:00 - Introduction to 3D Animation<br /><br />3:00 - Multivariable Calculus.<br /><br /><br />Which effectively means classes from 8:00 in the morning until 5:30 pm.<br /><br />Of these courses I'm sure I will be taking:<br /><br />1. University Writing Seminar<br />2. Multivariable Calculus<br />3. Organic Chemistry<br />4. One Physics course (Thermodynamics or Quantum Theory)<br />5. 3D animation or The Economics of Third World Hunger<br /><br />The reason I'm shopping so many courses is that I want to avoid the horrible experience in my Modern Physics class last semester, where I learnt less than a third of the material and not knowing what the lecturer was talking about for the entire semester - by shopping for more courses, if anything went wrong in one particular class, I can just substitute that class with another.<br />--------------------------------------<br /><br />Also....I'm a bit worried about Multivariable Calculus because I decided to skip the Single Variable Calculus course, since I've learnt most of the content in STPM. However, STPM Math didn't help students to develop a good understanding of calculus....so.....ya....very sien one. I did pretty ok for math last semester, hopefully history will repeat.Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-4452302528053665432012-01-10T14:11:00.004+08:002012-01-10T14:28:47.864+08:00RacismRacism hurts.<br /><br />Not just other people's racism, but my own racism, or rather, my concession (concede) to white supremacy. <br /><br />Eats me up from inside. Something like internalized homophobia.<br /><br />Reading this is therapeutic:<br /><br />http://stuffwhitepeopledo.blogspot.com/2010/07/wonder-if-they-should-call-out-what.html#comment-formCrystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-69523199240571638232012-01-10T12:27:00.012+08:002012-01-10T12:59:29.239+08:00Yes I Had Sex with a Strangeroh my god I'm so lazy to write about all this shit. Sex, penis, penile-centric, oral, anal, foreplay, virginity, partriachy, civilization, modesty, morality, heterosexism, ethics bla bla bla bla bla.<br /><br />Going to blog about how I never lost my virginity even though I had sex, because I had renounced virginity before I ever had sex(*1). About how I refuse to let a distorted, ugly product of partriachy and religion to prevent me from seeking pleasure and exploring my OWN body. About there being nothing special of the first time and I would not "save" it for anyone but myself. About how I will not apologize for being homosexual and therefore would not apologize either for being sexual.<br /><br />About how I can totally live without anal penetration and with just kissing and foreplay as an end to itself.<br /><br />Bla bla bla.<br /><br />I'm just lazy.<br /><br />So that's it.<br /><br />----------------------------------------------<br />(*1) Alright strictly speaking that's not true. It's just that even though after I had my first oral sex (which is sex. If you feel sexual, than it is sex. Imagine if a heterosexual come tell you anal sex is not sex because there is no vagina involved.) , I still felt like a virgin until I renounced virginity soon before I had sex again.Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-50379083527863513432012-01-03T10:30:00.000+08:002012-01-03T10:31:18.589+08:00Which Would Look Stupid If I Posted It on FacebookA piece of my heart just died.<br /><br />(anti-climax: you have heart attack izzit?)Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-44531959224828723822011-12-21T18:59:00.002+08:002011-12-21T19:01:14.053+08:00Reminder1. buy bag for travel.<br />2. Decide want go New York or not. <br />3. Pack stuff. Things to bring to new apartment?Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-36078239579184982802011-12-21T18:41:00.005+08:002011-12-21T18:55:08.628+08:00Culture! Culture!One day, me, Chinese girl, European guy, Chinese American guy working on our Linear Algebra finals in the library. (Yes, it was a take-home finals, and we could work together!)<br />------------------------------------------<br />(earlier I asked them whether getting a "B" is bad, because I talked to one of my HOT physics American coursemate, and he was like "oh if I got a B I'm going to quit school", and I was like WTF.)<br /><br />Me: Hey, so we need to fill up the course evaluations before we can check our grades?<br /><br />Chinese girl: Yes, you need to do that.<br /><br />Me: Oh okay. We have until the 23rd to do that right? Cuz, it's like, if we fill up the course evaluations earlier, then we can check our grades earlier, but I'm like, "No! I can wait!"<br /><br />Chinese girl: Well you can wait but your parents might not.<br /><br />Me: (surprised of what she said but understand where she's coming from) Oh. Meh. I don't think my parents care about my grades as long as I pass.<br /><br />European: Wait. Why do you need to tell your parents about your grades?<br /><br />Me: (自作聪明)Oh it's culture-specific.<br /><br />Chinese American: Haha.<br /><br />-----------------------------------------------<br />*I don't really think it's really a cultural phenomenon la. Maybe just that girls' parents.Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-82203289386266070482011-12-19T07:43:00.004+08:002011-12-19T07:56:14.406+08:00DeluSion's TheoremFor any non-empty set of men and one observer, there exists some distances to each man in the set observed from which they are handsome.Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-68027310494192731932011-12-17T22:12:00.003+08:002011-12-17T22:15:50.417+08:00RandomI saw an unused condom on the pavement on my way to the library. Does that mean I'm going to get laid soon?<br /><br />Or...*gasp* because I picked it up and put it on a rubbish bin, I'm going to miss an opportunity *ahem*?Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-2656253279163662302011-12-10T12:58:00.005+08:002011-12-10T13:16:52.180+08:00Quote from Book<blockquote>"If Christian Preachers had continued to teach as Christ & his Apostles did, without Salaries, and as the Quakers now do, I imagine [religious] <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_Religious_Test_Clause">Tests</a> [for state officers] would never have existed: For I think they were invented not so much to secure Religion itself, as the Emoluments of it.--When a Religion is good, I conceive that it will support itself; and when it cannot support itself, and God does not take care to support, so that its Professors are oblig'd to call for help of the Civil Power, 'tis a Sign, I apprehend, of its being a bad one. But I shall be out of my Depth if I wade any deeper in Theology..."</blockquote><br /><br />---- Benjamin Franklin (1780) (on the Massachusetts Constitution)<br />--- extracted from The Founding Fathers and the Debate Over Religion in Revolutionary America<div><br /></div><div>words in [square brackets] by DeluSion.</div>Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-63045246965737748702011-12-06T18:54:00.004+08:002011-12-06T19:35:54.105+08:00What Do I Want to Do with My Life...It was 3am, I was studying for the Physics mid-term in the computer room. Quantum mechanics. <br /><br />I'm an intellectually LAZY person. I don't really care whether space is absolute; the universe has an origin in time; nature is deterministic; or the earth is flat for that matter. I'm sure, in principle at least, I could be oblivious to all these statements collectively we call knowledge, yet still live a happy, fulfilled life. <br /><br />Maybe I'm just generally lazy. There's nothing I really like to do, or am passionate about doing. I don't draw, don't play music, don't camwhore, don't dance, don't work out(*1), don't have serial one night stands. I'm even lazy to sleep.<br /><br />But I can't be THAT lazy. I just feel that, sometimes the things I am passionate about, like having multiple orgasms and, oh well, reading, are not what people count as hobbies. It sounds kind of sad to (have to) say one's hobby is reading. Furthermore, like I said, I'm intellectually lazy. A lot of times when I read, I don't feel I'm engaged with the thoughts of the author, rather, I skim through pages, absorbing all the authors have to say, or what I like to read. The way I read, is like watching TV.<br /><br />It's like I'm, to use the phrase I just learnt, emotionally dead inside. <br /><br />Yet, I still experience emotion. I was angry as hell when Seksualiti Merdeka was banned. <br /><br />It was 3am. On my skinny left arm, I wrote "I want my RIGHTS!" (*2)<br /><br />I want to <br />1. cure AIDS<br />2. stop climate change<br />3. end poverty<br />4. eradicate religion and <br />5. invent a drug that will turn one hot guy gay and the other gay guys straight.<br /><br />All these will not happen, unless I actually go out and do something!<br /><br />First I need to improve my mind, body and skill sets! Do something! Learn new stuff. Challenge ideas, mine or others!<br /><br />Do something or else nothing will ever change!<br /><br />---------------------------<br />Notes:<br />*1 unless you count the Physical Education class I'm taking.<br />*2 which looks rather silly the next morning when I bare my arms during the PE class.Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-69166223324712080632011-12-02T12:30:00.012+08:002011-12-03T14:28:48.789+08:00Assimilating HistoriesBangsa merujuk kepada sekumpulan manusia yang biasanya menetap suatu kedudukan geografi dan mempunyai persamaan dari segi bahasa, budaya serta pengalaman sejarah. -- some of the useful concepts I picked up from SPM Sejarah in a textbook sea of rubbish.<br />-------------------------------------------------------------------<br /><br />There is an entire shelf of books in the library with titles like "Homosexuality and Psychoanalysis", "Sexual Culture" etc. Hence I've been indulging in a little bit of light reading of late when I should in all seriousness be studying relativity.<br /><br />Of the very small sampling of LGBT writings I have had (our malaysian gay blogs notwithstanding), I noticed that the AIDS epidemic/pandemic is a recurring theme of angst and grief. In one of my favourites, <a href="http://www.historyisaweapon.com/defcon1/queernation.html">The Queer Nation Manifesto</a>, I found the following excerpt that wailed against the apathy of the US government agencies during the early days of the AIDS epidemic.<br /><br /><blockquote>"I'm angry. I'm angry for being condemned to death by strangers saying, "You deserve to die" and "AIDS is the cure." Fury erupts when a Republican woman wearing thousands of dollars of garments and jewelry minces by the police lines shaking her head, chuckling and wagging her finger at us like we are recalcitrant children making absurd demands and throwing a temper tantrum when they aren't met. Angry while Joseph agonizes over $8,000 a year for AZT which might keep him alive a little longer and which does make him sicker than the disease he is diagnosed with. Angry as I listen to a man tell me that after changing his will five times he's running out of people to leave things to. All of his best friends are dead. Angry when I stand in a sea of quilt panels, or go to a candlelight march or attend yet another memorial service. I will not march silently with a f---ing candle and I want to take that goddamned quilt and wrap myself in it and furiously rent it and my hair and curse every god religion ever created. I refuse to accept a creation that cuts people down in the third decade of their life."</blockquote><br /><br />In "On the Meaning of Friendship Between Gay Men" I found the following:<br /><br /><blockquote>"As for Greg's illness, it was said to have been cancer, although a friend in San Francisco phoned to tell me - to warn me, really - that it was due to a new and lethal gay-related disease. <span style="font-weight:bold;">The syndrome was so recent that the term AIDS had not yet been coined</span>; Greg's case was among the first in the nation. I was also told that I could expect to be interviewed by the Centers for Disease Control....I lived with an immense fear of AIDS for the next few years, until researchers finally established its mode of transmission."<br /></blockquote><br /><br />And grief in "The Best Little Boy in the World Grows Up".<br /><br /><blockquote>"The morphine level was set high enough to make it easy. But not breathing is not something most of us, let alone those of us as bright as Peter, readily do......And so after a quiet, peaceful while longer, his sister gently leaned down and softly said, 'Peter, it's okay. It's okay. You've done enough. You can go now.' And he did. He was forty."</blockquote><br /><br />And I was weeping in bed on that page.And I realize I shouldn't reduce thousands of people's struggle with the disease to "mere" emotional kitsch. Those works above described (partly at least) the experience of the American gay communities and individuals with the epidemic. How, on the other hand, did the disease affect our(*1) Malaysian LGBT scene/subculture/community and the "public" (are we not part of "the public"?) perception of "us"? What were the similarities between our encounter and reaction to the disease and those of the Americans?<br /><br />(Start purple bullshiting:)<br />The <s>gay</s> LGBT rights movement is already budding in Malaysia. I would say we are very much behind some European countries in state recognition of LGBT rights(*2). But the term "behind" is problematic in a country whose muslim majority thinks Islamic customs must prevail when in conflict with the western modern human rights traditions. With the fight having been fought so many years in those "western" countries, we might find it convenient to adapt their rhetoric on rights, equality and adult privacy into our plight for greater freedom. Yet, will such rhetoric resonate with our local opponents who are often armoured with the notion of incompatibility between human rights and eastern culture or social stability? Is it necessary to explore strategies different from our western (imagined?) comrades, which hopefully would better promote our cause, or will our histories (thanks to globalization and our history of colonization?) prove so intertwined that we find ourselves treading again the western footsteps, as with women and labor rights?(*3)<br /><br />------------------------------------------<br />Notes: <br /><br />*1 - Curious how I use "our" when I only know not more than 5 gay men. I suspect I know more lesbians (or otherwise-queer female-bodied individuals) than I do gay men. (I dare not count!)<br /><br />*2 - It must be emphasized that the so-called LGBT rights are just the same set of rights and privileges enjoyed by heterosexual Malaysians - freedom of expression and from harassment, whether by the state of individuals - which the LGBT people have systematically been denied.<br /><br />*3 - I sometimes wonder whether Malayan women would have the right to vote, given the current ultra-religious climate, if the British had not "come" here.<br /><br /><iframe width="400" height="301" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/8mkp-Of8sZQ" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-7161471423518340552011-11-27T02:21:00.002+08:002011-11-27T02:23:06.291+08:00Do Not Procrastinate Liao!!!!1. Do homework.<br /><br />2. Plan your major (Go talk to Department advising head)<br /><br />3. Plan your winter break <br /><br />4. Look for Jobs (Don't procrastinate liao!!!!!)Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-50526930398311698252011-11-20T13:27:00.002+08:002011-11-20T13:34:17.670+08:00On Making English the Compulsory-Pass SubjectThere has been talks to make English a "compulsory pass" in SPM. I don't know the exact definition of a "compulsory pass", but I understand it to mean -- if you don't pass English, you won't get the sijil.<br /><br />Ridiculous.<br /><br />Absurd.<br /><br />Elitist.<br /><br />Colonialistic!<br /><br />What's the purpose of denying a student the SPM cert JUST BECAUSE he failed English? I mean, he might have passed other subjects! Can't give him the cert and just say he didn't pass English ah!Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22032586.post-2009363541689038262011-11-20T09:24:00.005+08:002011-11-20T09:42:00.606+08:00假So there was this Pakistani guy, whom I shall assign the name Daha.<br /><br />We know each other, but not well enough to call the other friend.<br /><br />So Daha and I are both taking Linear Algebra this semester.<br /><br />Daha took the "normal" Linear Algebra whereas I took the supposedly honors Linear Algebra which emphasize more on the theoretical (read: obscure) aspects of the subject, e.g. proving theorems.<br /><br />Daha thought I was good at Linear because I got an A in the first midterm when he failed his.<br /><br />So he'd asked me a couple of times, sort of informally, to teach him Linear, which I gently and politely declined, because the reason I got A was because the test was easy (evidence: in our second midterm, we got an open-book, open-laptop test. We got to work with partners. And the professor ordered pizzas. One angmoh sing during the exam, and I was like - "do you have a more soothing song?")<br /><br />Daha said I was very hardworking, because his friend saw me pulling all-nighters in the computer room a few times, supposedly studying, when in fact the reason I had to stayed up all night was due to poor time management and prior procrastination. <br /><br />I said I wasn't hardworking, cuz I wasn't even studying.<br /><br />To which he snapped, "Dude, why are you lying?"<br /><br />He told me he got a B in this second-midterm. I told him B is not bad (since that should be a vast improvement from the F he got for his first mid-term, and I'm only hoping for a B for my Modern Physics).<br /><br />He said yeah B is not bad but he's still sad. I walked forward to hug him and he walked away.<br /><br />----------------------------------<br />I...am...not...a...liar.Crystal Colloid Cumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16076216566505426369noreply@blogger.com0