Swallowed Words

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that we should think before we speak. A few days ago, I happened to be in the position of feeling fortunate after having prevented the utterance of an impulsive comment of my own, the materialization of which would potentially bring significant awkwardness to the social situation in which I found myself at the time.

There was this gentleman on my floor whose name was Ian. As we were no more than acquaintance of each other, in addition to my unfamiliarity with the American names, I had always assumed, though without much certainty, that his name should be pronounced as "Iron".

It so chanced one day, when I had to ask Ian about some petty matter not worthy of my readers' knowledge. Not wanting to bypass any social etiquette which I might not be aware of, I decided to address Ian by his name properly before the conversation should proceed.

Me: Hi! Erm....can I know what's your name?

Ian: (In his puzzled look) Ian. (ee-yan 燕）


Surprised by the correct pronunciation of the name, I quipped, "Do you know that means 'swallow' in Mandarin?"

Can you possibly imagine how I relieved I was by the fact that the last sentence was never actually spoken to Ian?

Moody Update

Things that made me sad:

1. CB Singaporean who exposed my weakness to me.

2. Having to pull an all-nighter to finish my Physics problem set tonight.

3. Scoring less than 1 standard deviation above average in my Organic Lab mid-term when I thought I answered all questions correctly.

4. Falling behind in lectures.

5. CB Singaporean

6. CB Singaporean

7. CB Singaporean

8. And to finally realize my sadness stems from my own weaknesses rather than what the Singaporean had said to me.



Things that make me happy:

1. Knowing I got a median score for my Physics mid-term, which mean I'm not the worst in the class. (build happiness on other people's pain ==)

2. Getting an A for Linear Algebra mid-term, while the math genius (whom I really admire) in class got A-, which actually showed me getting good grades in exam does not correlate with how smart a person is, which in turn devalued all the good grades I got in my school years, which make this a sad revelation actually. The American education system spat on my face. Lol.

3. Came up with a strategy to cut my food expenses, which is working well.

Sensual Pleasure

Hey I want to share a choir video with you guys. I saw it on tv a few years back, the soloist damn cute right?

Seriously Need to Get More Organized

1. winter clothing (either order online or shop! expensive or not you'll still have to get one! And soon!)

2. winter break housing (observe deadline!)

3. thanksgiving

4. Finish lab report after lab tomorrow, and pray lab will go smoothly.

Complaint

Roommate trying to teach someone differentiation OVER THE PHONE. And the thing about American men is that their speaking pitch is very very low! It makes me feel very uncomfortable most of the time.

It can be sexy when you hear it for 5 seconds, but the roommate has been speaking for like half an hour. It's really CB.

I think I can understand why the Singaporean so tulan my accent, though my pitch is definitely not as low as a "typical" American male.

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Seriously, the Americans I have met so far are very informal. If I were on the one on the phone, I would have walked out of the room. Like, I apologise beforehand whenever I'm going to have a skype session with my parents. (e.g. "hey guys I'm going on skype for the next 20 minutes or so, is that alright?")

Good, now I can skype to my hearts content. Apparently American's tolerance for noise is much higher than mine.

Ineptitude

As much as I yearn for social interaction, I consistently find myself feeling anxious when they actually become available.

Usually I become very nervous as I'm uncertain of the progression of the conversation. Especially the case when I'm talking to someone "new". Once the conversation began, I will worry about how to end it nicely to avoid any potential awkwardness. So you see even before the conversation started I'm already thinking of ending it ==. I really don't know where this "performance anxiety" stems from. On one hand I am keen know it's good to form new relations, yet on the other I am tired of observing the social protocols that leads to the formation of such a new relation. I suppose in a world that works the way I want, people skip the introduction and start hugging and connect on a personal level immediately. So I suppose what I truly want was not so much social interaction but some intimate (YES! Intimacy is the word!) person-to-person, one-on-one...talk. Perhaps not just talk.

Now that I consolidated my anxiety into a blog post, what I need to do is to let the conversation happen "naturally" (Nothing is natural. Everything is cultural.) instead of worrying about it. But that's always better written than done.

Letter Unsent

Dear Papa and Mi,

我华文废掉了。

英语半咸不淡，怎么办zzzzz....

父母家书迟未覆，主要也是最近没干什么新鲜事。倒是刚才下午去了趟苹果园，生平第一次亲睹果树....也是这样罢了啦。不过很多苹果。终于明白榴莲为什么这样贵了。我们一粒榴莲，他们不知道几粒苹果了。

文化/语言/人事冲突？新加坡人讲我的英语腔很假。quote: "Do you speak like that at home? ...... It feels very.....not genuine." not genuine, 意思是“假”. 我的天，我希望他是用错字。不过.....not genuine.....很严重的leih.....(我知道我知道....不要太在意人家怎样看我们。有缺点就改....)有人给意见也好。ZZZZ. haiz, 这个课题可以写好几本书。有人讲学ang mo lang 讲话是"haolian", 可是你知道吗，我之所以不想Malaysianize 我的英文部分原因是我不想让他成为马来西亚的一部分，我觉得如果我用ang mo lang 的accent说英语，我就是acknowledge英语是外来的，是foreign的，非“本土”的。（那么华语又是“本土”的吗？）我觉得，当我们说着Manglish, 自豪的当作他是我们所谓文化的一部分时，我们真的是被殖民了而不自觉。当然马来西亚有它的殖民史，英语也的确已经融入我们的政治与社会文化，不过我觉得还是有必要好好梳理他的殖民元素，要有更多的反思，更多的自觉。不然，你看，英语教数理，我们的论述总是绕在“马来文没有经济价值”，“英语是国际语言”，“母语教学”。

英语社群最常说“英语是国际语言”，我觉得好恶。以为自己英文厉害是后天努力，其实根本就是环境因素居多，然后当人家英语差是落后，懒惰。Zzzz....一副英语代言人的模样。就是这副态度，你要马来人怎样相信英语教数理不会menggadaikan bahasa dan maruah bangsa.

话说回来我跟那个新加波人说话的态度也有问题。不过我真的觉得不是我的问题咯。好吧，我会注意。

记得download照片。

Identity Politics

Singaporean complained my English doesn't sound genuine.

"Do you speak like this at home?"

(extremely cautiously) "Erm...what do you mean...Like how I usually speak to you?

"Yes. Just like the way you usually speak here."

"erm...it depends." (oh shit.) "Like....erm....you see I rarely speak English at my hometown. I mean, I usually use English in an academic context. It's not a life language to me. Erm....so.....it's not like I'm trying to feign superiority over your Singlish accent by adapting to the accent of a white male American trying to purposely sound different."

"Cuz when you speak like that, it feels......not genuine." (wtf - I think your Singlish and 超级标准punya Mandarin cukup "non-genuine" lo, but I've kept it to myself all this while, understanding it as a result of politico-cultural conditioning.)

(pause 10 seconds)

"I'm just trying to adapt to their accent. I mean, I always thought of English as a foreign language, so I try to speak like how a foreigner would speak."

"But they are brought up to speak this way, you are not."

(American beside me looked awkward.)

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More socio-politico-cultural analysis coming soon. (Gee.....我真的很假meh? 我尽量做到真了leih...)

To-do List

1. Finish orgo reports in less than 12 hours. (不然吃自己。）

2. Write my own non-binding moral code.

3. Declare death of god.

University Application Essay

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

To Walk or Not to Walk

It was 7:30 in the morning. The voice from the public address system from afar was instructing the lower form students to assemble for the morning briefings. With my heavy bag on my shoulders and 2 textbooks in my hand, I hurried through the road beside the school sports field, hoping that I would be sitting safely in the classroom before the morning prayer started.

The prayers or recitals were a daily reminder of the special status of Islam in this country. We had them every morning, and sometimes before a lesson, if the teacher who entered the class was a Muslim. Living in a multi-religious society, Malaysians have been taught to respect each other’s religions since young. As students, we were expected to exhibit that respect by standing still for the prayer recitals. In the classroom, students who sat down during the recital were asked to stand up; outside the classroom, students who walked during the morning recital might be stopped by a teacher or stared by people around them.

When I enrolled into this school, I was curious about the rationale behind these frequent prayer recitals. According to a Muslim classmate, they were praying for gaining knowledge and benefiting from the lessons. I thought that was a beautiful, almost poetic cause for prayer, as it signified a student’s sincerity towards learning; however, I felt uncomfortable with the prayer’s undue pressure on students, be they Muslims or non-Muslims, as I believed it was the freedom of religion and belief that needed respect rather than religion itself. As a result, occasionally, I would continue walking even though I heard the prayer, to make a point that respect for a religion should not be forced upon students. I had been stopped by teachers, but sometimes, one whole class’ disapproving eye stares were enough to put my subtle rebellion to a stop. Over the years, I had found a delicate balance between walking in the presence of lenient teachers and stopping at once when the risks were too great.

In front of the staffroom, I could hear the voice of the ustaz (male Islamic religious teacher) from the loudspeaker reciting the morning prayer. After 5 years of secondary schooling, I was again in the same struggle that September morning. Should I stop? Continuing to walk right in front of so many teachers would no longer be seen as an innocuous mischief, but an open challenge to school authority!

The political atmosphere was tense after the 2008 general election. A parliamentarian had been detained without trial after having allegedly complained about the volume of sermons at a Muslim mosque. Given the racial tension, I questioned myself whether it was wise to walk amidst the prayer. For sure, I would be seen as being provocative.

I did not want to offend any sensibilities, but the very act of enforcing “respect” for a religion constituted an infringement upon the freedom of religion. I was aware of the status of Islam as the religion of the federation, yet as a minority it was crucial that I did not blindly waive my right and conform to societal pressure. We had constantly been reminded to respect all religions practiced in this country without an equivalent emphasis given to the freedom of religion. We were scared into our collective memory that if we were to freely exercise the rights enshrined in our constitution we might offend racial and religious sensibilities and put our long paraded peace and harmony at risk. But by giving away those rights, we not only learnt to “respect” religion, but essentially succumbed ourselves to authority. At that moment, I felt the need to liberate myself from the shackles of absurd political discourse normalized by repetitions. I decided to walk.

Just a few steps and Mr Fauzi was already shouting at me.

“HEY!”

I clenched my teeth and continued walking.

“HEY!”

“HEY BOY!”

I really had to stop.

--

When the prayer was over, I approached Mr Fauzi to clarify the reasons I continued walking despite his yelling. What was intended to be an exchange of opinions turned into mutual shouting. Angrily, he ordered me to go for class.

The aftermath of the incident was not felt immediately; however, I realized its full impact a week later when I discovered that a teacher had spoken badly of me in front of another class. Some teachers were no longer as friendly as before. I was thereafter labeled as the “smart but arrogant kid”.

After the incident, I grew defensive about my conduct at school, fearing that any mistake would further hurt my reputation. I was angry with the school, but also myself for acting impetuously. As a defense mechanism to my internal conflict, I tried to hate the Muslim teachers; however, that became impossible as soon as I thought of those the teachers who had nurtured my growth. How could I hate Mr Zulkifli who had come to my guidance at this hard time, or Ms Nurhaliza who had taught her Accounts class so diligently?

The damage to my relationship with the teachers took months to repair. As the prayer recital was rescheduled to take place during the daily assembly, I was saved the pain of deciding on whether to continue my rebellion or not after the incident. Nevertheless, I doubt if I would have the courage to continue walking even if the situation had remained the same. The ostracism I experienced had taken a significant psychological toll on me. Also, I would be applying to college soon, and I needed the recommendation letters.

The dilemma of walking during the religious prayer was never truly resolved. It opens up more questions regarding tolerance, freedom, and my ethnicity. Would the outcome have been different if there weren’t a language barrier between Mr Fauzi and me? When I thought about the real people I had hurt by my actions, I asked myself, “Is it worth it? Have I done anything wrong?” I couldn’t answer my own questions. This experience has forced me to re-examine the racial and religious identities of Malaysians and brought my understanding of the complexities of racial relations to a new level. (bullshit) Malaysia prides itself on being a harmonious, multicultural society. Strangely, it was through this conflict that I identified more strongly as a Malaysian.

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Islam sucks.

Your Islam Sucks

Quoted from Harian Metro:

"Tiada Hak Bagi LGBT"

KUALA LUMPUR: “Budaya di negara ini sama sekali tidak menerima hak LBGT (lesbian, biseksual, gay dan transeksual), apatah lagi Islam kerana perbuatan itu amat bertentangan dengan agama,” kata Menteri di Jabatan Perdana Menteri, Datuk Seri Jamil Khir Baharom, semalam.

Beliau berkata, hak yang diperjuangkan mereka tidak akan diiktiraf kerana negara masih berpaksikan ajaran Islam dan kegiatan itu amat bertentangan dengan syarak termasuk bercanggah dengan budaya negara ini.


Katanya, perkahwinan sesama jenis jelas berlawanan dengan sifat hakiki manusia dan gejala ini belum berlaku di negara, namun kerajaan tetap tegas berhubung isu berkenaan dan berharap semua pihak menghormati agama Islam sebagai agama rasmi negara.

“Memang diakui, hak LBGT sudah mula diterima di negara barat yang berpendapat itu hak mereka. Namun, kita tidak seharusnya mengikut mereka kerana negara ini mengamalkan prinsip Islam, ia sama sekali tidak boleh diterima.


“Sedangkan pertukaran jantina pun tidak dibenarkan menerusi pendekatan undang-undang, apatah lagi menerima dan mengiktiraf hak perkahwinan sejenis yang jelas berlawanan dengan agama mahupun moral,” katanya pada pemberita selepas merasmikan Seminar Pemahaman Kedudukan Islam di Institut Kefahaman Islam Malaysia (Ikim).


Mengulas mengenai seminar berkenaan, Jamil berkata, tujuan seminar itu diadakan bagi memberi penerangan lebih khusus berhubung kedudukan Islam dan makna Islam dalam perlembagaan negara.

“Penerangan itu amat penting bagi memberi kefahaman kepada masyarakat bahawa Islam digunakan sebagai cara hidup dan tanggapan Islam hanya digunakan dalam majlis rasmi adalah salah. Tanggapan itu perlu diperbetulkan.


“Saya berharap seminar ini dapat membentuk satu kefahaman yang konkrit berhubung Islam dan melihat maksud agama Islam dalam gambaran yang menyeluruh, sekali gus selaras dengan perlembagaan negara,” katanya.

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Conversations

Setting: Dining Hall. Lunch Hour.

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Bulgarian: So what do you think about the Economics mid-term?

Malaysian: ermmm...I think it was quite easy.

Bulgarian: Ya~! No wonder everybody studies Economics in Bulgaria.

Malaysian: ???????Sorry I don't understand.

Bulgarian: Oh. I mean in Bulgaria, usually people who don't know what they want to do with their lives, they study Economics. And law. We don't have many people doing the sciences.

Malaysian: Oh I see. Hmm....I think in Malaysia we tend to go for the sciences. (I stand corrected on this.)

Bulgarian: Yeah...you're like Asian countries. You're good at science and math.

Malaysian: No! You know, in a lot of Asian countries, the school place a lot of emphasis on the exams. So the students tend to do better in exams.

Bulgarian: Yeah! I just talked to (the kiasu Singaporean). He spoke like if you didn't get a perfect score in SAT it's like you fail! And my score was like....

Malaysian: Ahahaha. Then you must be exceptional in other areas.(omg I sound so fake) Though rumour has it that they expect higher score from Asian students.

Bulgarian: What? Because you Asians are smarter?

Malaysian: No! It's because we're so good at tackling the test questions! We're more used to taking exams.

Bulgarian: Like isn't that good! If you can answer the questions you have the knowledge!

Malaysian: It's not like that!!

Bulgarian: It's better to solve problems (science) than memorizing those commentaries on literature and philosophy and write them down in exam and forget the next day!

Malaysian: zzz.

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Islam Sucks Sucks Sucks Sucks

Serbian guy: So, you want to go back to Malaysia after you graduate?

Me: (like why not?) Yeah. I don't know. I just want to be happy.

Serbian: Yeah of course. (==)

Me: It doesn't really matter where I stay. You know Ali?

Serbian: What?

Me: In Pakistan homosexuality is punishable by life imprisonment.

Serbian: Yeah, I heard his story.

Me: We have it better in Malaysia. It's just 20 years.

Serbian: (change topic)

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Even till this day, I'm still unhappy that Chuah Soy Lek wasn't prosecuted for his "carnal intercourse" that was caught on video tape. I know the law is archaic, but law is law. If you don't think the law should be enforce, you repeal it, which Chuah Soy Leik as both a member of Parliament and Health minister had the resource to. But he did not. So we should judge him by the standards of the very laws which our parliament has found no need to amend.

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377A. Carnal intercourse against the order of nature.

Any person who has sexual connection with another person by the introduction of the penis into the anus or mouth of the other person is said to commit carnal intercourse against the order of nature. Explanation

Penetration is sufficient to constitute the sexual connection necessary to the offence described in this section.

377B. Punishment for committing carnal intercourse against the order of nature.

Whoever voluntarily commits carnal intercourse against the order of nature shall be punished with imprisonment for a term which may extend to twenty years, and shall also be liable to whipping.

Islam and Our Future

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=147972871887834&set=a.142153495803105.22862.116341248384330&type=1&theater

Somebody's facebook status

Proof of how divisive religion can be:

firman Allah:Wahai orang-orang yang beriman! Janganlah kamu mengambil orang-orang yang menjadikan ugama kamu sebagai ejek-ejekan dan permainan – dari orang-orang yang telah diberikan Kitab sebelum kamu, dan orang-orang kafir musyrik itu: menjadi penolong-penolong; dan bertaqwalah kepada Allah, jika kamu benar-benar orang yang beriman.Dan apabila kamu menyeru (azan) untuk mengerjakan sembahyang, mereka menjadikan sembahyang itu sebagai ejek-ejekan dan permainan. Yang demikian itu ialah kerana mereka suatu kaum yang tidak berakal."-Al maidah:57-58



*roll eyes*

How can somebody be so clever yet religious is beyond me.

Sex Etiquettes

Is it acceptable to let your partner hear you pee in the bathroom before you have sex?