Monday, May 23, 2011

Old Rant

You know, I was thinking of telling someone who wants to apply to some universities that he should maintain his school grades bla bla bla, try to always get A, don't slack off etc.


Then I remember! Last year Chemistry Mid-Year Exam! The teacher gave me 6 marks less than what I am supposed to get due to miscalculations when he summed up my marks, resulting in my getting an A- instead of an A as I would have had the marks been summed correctly.

So I went and found him, told him about the mistake. To my horror, he told me, "I will see what I can do, because I already passed up the marks."

WTF.

So what to do, I can only say ok lo....

Because I don't trust the teacher (haha), so I go and find him again after school.

"Sir ah...please try your very best to correct my marks. I may need to use this exam result to apply for something."

"Okok."

Walau, you see, no guarantess one right!!!

In the end the teacher corrected my marks la, but I don't think it was THAT hard to get the scores corrected right!!!

But you know, the teachers LOVE power games and exert authority on us poor students.

Just like other government servants, ask them do the things they're obligated by law to do, also have to merayu merayu, tolong la cik oay, tolong la....terima kasih ya, hahahahaha.....

CB.

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*I seriously need to get a life.

*2 Speaking of government servants, of all I have encountered before, I think those from the Ministry of Education is the worst!

The ones in Kedah State Library are polite enough.
The ones in JPA Putrajaya is .....well ..... ok lo. No complains. And the air-con very cold summore.

Putrajaya Ministry of Education one:

Me : err...Cik, boleh minta nombor telefon mana-mana pegawai keh? Takut nanti ada apa-apa lupa tanya.....(pardon my BM)

Bitch: Tak dak.

Me: wtf :-) (smile in contempt) Saya dah cuba nombor dalam borang ni banyak kali, tapi tak ada orang jawab. (show the bitch the number)

Bitch: (find find find the number)

UGH!!!



Saturday, May 21, 2011

Cook

Dear Khai,


I cooked! Penne, but oriental style. >.<

Well not exactly. I boiled the pasta, then err....put oil lo....then my mother came....hwalalalala.....put all the ingredients in. Then I stir fry the ingredients and pasta....

Basically I used all the ingredients she prepared....except the onions I chopped myself >.<

Mother: "Faster! Charred already!!!" (add water)

Me: (fry) (fry) (fry)


Still not bad lo....but maybe because all the ingredients my mother prepared.

lalala.

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Irrelevant song:

Monday, May 16, 2011

Epiphany

It's 5 in the morning. Gosh.


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You know the talks about "women as sexual objects" etc.

Although I am inclined to agree on that claim, I never really understand what that claim means. Now I just revisited this paragraph in my "Yes Means Yes! Visions of Female Sexual Power & A World Without Rape": (page 19)

"Aggression is such a deeply entrenched characteristic of maleness that it is often justified through references to nature and evolutionary biology. It further bleeds over into the sexual sphere, wherein men are expected to be aggressive sexual actors attempting to "get" sex from passive women who both hold and embody sex itself."

"We" focus so much on male's (penile) sexual experience, as evident from the common notion of sex as an act which begins with penetration and ends with ejaculation. Men are the ones who initiate sex, who yearn for sex, that he must be THE sexual agent "who is capable of acting with reference to his sexual urges"[1] . Men are asexual, just like a moral agent is itself amoral. The quality of sexuality is in women. Since men, being capable of sexual decisions, he is a "sexual subject", the object of which, of course, are women.

Notes:
I adapted the definition of "moral agent" to that of "sexual agent".
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(page 33)
[quote]Recently, as soon as I hook up with a girl, I start to resent her, because it was SO easy to seduce her. My skills have gotten pretty good, and I've seduced two girls this past week, and immediately after it happened, I wasn't attracted to them anymore. I feel like, how can she be a high-value female if she was THAT easy to get in to bed.[/quote]

I wonder if the women around me face the dilemma of whether "giving" "it" or not. Not "give", boyfriend got things to say; "give", haha boyfriends might still have things to say!

I think the way to get ourselves[2] out of this shitty situation is to attempt to actively "lose" our[2] virginities, or rather, to actively SEEK OUT and GAIN sexual experience. By doing so, we[2] remove the availability of virgins from the market, "depriving" men of the choice between a hard-to-get woman who would enhance the masculinity of men once she falls to him ("even hard one like her can't resist me") and otherwise an easy slut.

[2]Although I used "we", I am well-aware that I have lived my life as a boy and teenage "guy" so far and hence my experience might differ to a great degree from other women and hence it should not represent any woman's experience but an individual's observation.

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More to come, insya-Allah.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

ex-perimental


1: La Door

I saw myself on the glass door. I am still a kid.

1: La Airport

About to fly. Flying should be light, an ease, like a feather floating in the air. Yet I feel so heavy.
It's last 9 months ago when I was coming back from The City. On my way to Le Airport in the shuttle bus I cry and cry, silently. Oh, words are light in my mind, I could cry any moment but not.

2: Check-In

A couple in front of me. Man and woman. I feel sad, I could fuck the man, even if he's not tempting. Man hug girl. The airport officer wrinkled his face. Malay - he must not approve of that.

"We check-in already."
Must be KL people(*). I can't stand people speaking English to a Malay. It makes me sad. Now I felt like I should have kissed the officer and said I'm sorry.

3: Security Scan

Security seems to be tighter today. The airport officer actually issued a "cabin luggage approval tag" for me. Is it just a new measure or is it because of Osama's death.
I took out my pencil box. I know the security personnel is going to search my bag if I didn't take it out. Last time, there was actually a blade in the pencil box. Not because I was careless, but because I'm lazy. I don't care, don't care about anything, like Lim Hong Hock said. Actually he did not.
I also took out my wallet. Aunties speaking Hokkien behind asked me whether it's required to take out the wallet, the handphone, the ticket - everything I had taken out.
She asked in English. Maybe because I look English-speaking today. I was surprised.

"Oy don't know. But I think it's a common practice Right?" I said, pulling my tongue to most possible back for the "r" when I pronounced "right".

4: Kiddy

After the security check I walked through a long aisle to the waiting lounge. Me in the glasses looked at me. Gosh, I look beautiful. The shirt I wore today concealed me into a man. When my eyes reached my legs however, I realize they are so thin and short, I am at risk of being toppled. //But when my eyes reached my skinny legs in the jeans, I'm a kid again.

6: La Cabin

I am stuck at row 20. A group of passengers can't decide on their seats and are blocking everybody behind them. I saw their green passport books. Nepalese, Bangladeshi or Burmese? I am very patient when it comes to this, but I lost my patience. I squeezed my petite body through the two of them. In the process I thought, "would I have done that if they were Malaysians or Western tourists?" Of course not.

Row 11. A man is sitting on 11C. "Ikscuse me sir, I think you should move inside." Gosh, my English sounds so nice today. He gazed at me in puzzlement. "Y(ou) see," I showed him my seat number.

I think he reads English, because he keeps staring on my paper as I write.

He gestured that I should take the window seat instead. "Alright, fine." I said lightly to myself, thinking that he might not understand English.
I was to move into the window seat; the funny thing is that he remained seated with no sign of making way for me. Seriously I'm not that thin.

Nepalese kept glancing out of the window throughout the flight. I offered to switch place with him before the plane took off. I don't think he understands me. The conversation attempt ended with my "nevermoind".

7: Landing

The plane is descending already. Before take-off, a stewardess approached the man behind me.

"Sir, you're sitting next to the emergency exit. Are you willing to assist the cabin crew to open the gate in case of emergency? Ok. To open the door first you need to pull down the handle, unlock this latch and push the door outside, can you do that sir? And before you open the door sir, please assess the situation to see whether it's safe to open the door. In case of crash landing you should check for fire and smoke near the exit, is that ok? Thank you for your cooperation sir."

I kept looking at the man. He seemed understanding enough to endure the formality, while I find the statement from the stewardess simply amusing.

Maybe we might crash this time?

8: LCCT

The emergency door was left intact.




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*Sorry for the stereotype.


Saturday, May 07, 2011

Motivational Song and Words of the Month


stop crying, being a slut, grow up, face the reality, else you will end up being nobody..

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Gosh I don't want to go for the interview! Somebody please tell me Singapore sucks!


“何必这样委屈自己呢?难道为了一个奖学金就不要展现真实的自我吗?”

----- chim到要死的理发师。我去剪头发压力到要死。那天梦到他不屑剪我头发>.<

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Look what I found:









See his heart-breaker face:

Cibai

tThis happened long long time ago.

I used to share a room with my grandfather. And I didn't like that.

I do believe I love am emotionally attached to him and his well-being. I just don't like to share my room. Of course, the so-claimed ownership of the room could easily be dismissed by chanting the "your room ah? You got pay rent meh?" mantra. Anyways.

So I was quite happy when he stayed almost on a permanent basis on one of the uncle's house. Whole room to me finally.

Nevertheless, once he complained about diarrhea and the heat in his room, so the uncle who lives in (and owns) the house invited grandfather to stay in my room, again.

I wouldn't have raised a word if somebody in the house would inform me about grandfather's stay, but no, they just assumed I shouldn't have anything to say in that matter.

Grandfather snores in the night, and maybe because I just masturbated on that morning, it irked me so much that I got up from bed, wrote a big "CIBAI" on an A4 paper and sticked it onto my cupboard.

When I got back from school the following afternoon, I noticed that the A4 paper had been removed. So I went to my mother and asked her, calmly:

"Where is my Cibai?"
"Why did you tear away my Cibai?"
"Why did you tear away my Cibai?"

---------------------------------------------
(to be continued)
(no guarantees though)


Friday, May 06, 2011

O Fortuna



I am very impressed by the exaggerated gesture at the beginning of the video. The first thing that came to my mind was, "Wow, 'we' can do this during a protest or something".

Always have a penchant for hyperboles in musical performance. I thought instead of shouting slogans, we could just sing. It might not be the most effective way of protest, but it'd be so much more fun, in my very very humble opinion.

Imagine some 30 people gather in front of Kompleks Kerajaan (A/B/C/D/E) in Putrajaya and sing in this manner. I doubt it'd be legally dangerous to do so....not like we have provisions against noise pollution in our law....though it may come under "illegal assembly"....haiya who cares la. (omg, i'm no naive, lol.

Or do it when there will be a by-election. Najib/Muhiyuddin walking around here and there shaking hands with people, then 30 people start singing with vivid facial expressions (七情上面). Could just make news headlines.

I think I can really be a fan of behaviourial art. I must participate in a demonstration some time, else my life is so fucking boring and I have nothing to put in my resume.

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edit:

You know, I think I can't be exclusively homosexual, because one of the things that came to mind when I saw the women in the video was "wah, big breasts".

Though that could be a manifestation of my latent male chauvinism that prompts me to assert dominance (over women) through some crude remarks of their bodies (despite being gay!).



Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Again...

Another interview.

Problem is I will be rushing another application on same day. (procrastinate la. When so much time you don't want to work on the application, emo what emo....padan muka.)


WHY AHhhhh!!!!! Why I can't I just study STPM and get good results and want to become a doctor??!??!?!??!?!!

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Good Night

都不知道要怎样开始写。

已经断断续续的消极,低沉一段时间了。要讲压力,又好像不是。我去那个Physics camp 够压力了。厉害的人一大堆,我一讲话就觉得自己很白痴,不过也不会像现在那么糟。感觉一回到家,人就很sien。很消极。

一直有自杀的念头。不过我又没有胆自杀的。>.<

那天跟我爸爸说我想自杀,他跟我讲“有时候人烦,会像死了一了百了。没有什么的。”

Walau A. 我妈妈也是。她只会叫我不要乱乱想。

我看过一下我要去看辅导师还是心理医生了啦。我觉得,我跟我父母谈等于没谈。而且我还觉得他们也是我烦恼+焦虑的一部分原因。等下,好像不是。我是觉得,haiz, zomok我这样没有用。我一想到以后“出社会”,walau A, 竞争激烈,适者生存这样....我就觉得,我还是现在就死死掉算了。不要等到20几岁才来....超没尊严的。

还有,如果我自杀的话,希望人家不好上报纸讲什么“没有啊,我今早看他出门还有说有笑”etc. 请不要这样insult my memory.

我现在很痛苦。
谢谢。


























DisorderYour Score
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...

I lost my language, again.