Macam Macam

I generally feel uncomfortable talking about people. I can't stand the cynical undertone which usually perfuse the entire conversation.

So there's this Singaporean friend. Nice person. Easy to communicate since, you know, he's Singaporean I'm Malaysian. Totally understand my lah's and ma's. (But you know la, each person is different, and sometimes their difference just happens to irk me. Please don't judge him by this post ok.)

So we share this mutual friend (Steven), or rather acquaintance, whom I personally find comfortable to be with, though socially awkward at times. That said, I'm not a social butterfly in the first place.

So whenever I brought up this topic about this mutual friend (international student), the Singaporean will comment on how weird he is. And I'd be like, "no...he's such a nice person". I mean, c'mon, is it really weird to follow a friend back to his dorm after having dinner together while engaging in a conversation?

Singaporean: But is it normal....to follow people back to their dorm...

Me: I would have done the same if I were in that situation. I mean, like now, we're talking, so it's natural to just follow you la, even if my room is at another side of the campus. (i'm stuyding at a small college. Every place is within 10-minute walking distance.)

Singaporean：(ok whatever)

Dropped the topic.

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Another American "weird guy" -- Collin

Singaporean: I know he's very smart, but he's weird.

Me: (enthusiastically) But he's so smart!!! (I　took the same math class with Collin)

Another Malaysian girl: And he sang everything in the class. Like everything!(course: Music in TV)

Me: But I like his voice. (heard him singing theme song of Pokemon before, lol)

Singaporean: He shouldn't be here. A person smart like him should be in MIT. The reason he wasn't accepted was because he didn't do his homework and so his grades suffered.

Me: (suddenly tulan the Singaporean) Why MIT?

Singaporean: Because he applied there?

Me: Yeah. He also applied to Yale and so many other schools. Why should he be in MIT?!

Singaporean: Ok fine. MIT or Yale or anywhere.

Me: (resist the urge to roll eyes.)

That said, MIT does have a healthy reputation of being nerdy. But nerd is great.


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And yesterday, Steven, Collin and I just walked around the campus while sembang-ing! It all started with Steven asking Collin, "so...what do you want to do? Do you want to come to my dorm?" LOL.

Don't know what the Singaporean would think if he knew.

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Conclusion: I worship smart people. == It just became clear.

Still remember the observation made by my cousin-in-law:

Cousin-in-law: 我发现DeluSion他很渴望从人家身上吸取知识。一旦你告诉他一些他不知道的东西，他就会一直缠住你，你就可以掌握他的注意力，然后......控制住他！！！

Cousin-in-law's wife, i.e. Cousin: ==

Trauma

I was reading a book on the emotional trauma went through by western/American gay men. One of those are betrayal by their first lovers (cheating etc), which the author pointed out may have a long-term effect on the psychology of gay men bla bla.

What I'm going to write on has nothing to do with sexuality though. The diagnostic criteria for "trauma", as written in the book were as follows:

1. Reliving the trauma: This can happen through nightmares, flashbacks, or reexperiencing as a result of being in the presence of stimuli reminiscent of the traumatic event.

2. Efforts to avoid thoughts or feelings that are associated with trauma.

3. Efforts to avoid activities or situations that arouse memories of the trauma.

4. Inability to remember some important aspect of the trauma.

5. Marked reduced interest in important activities.

6.

7.

8.

9. Hypervigilance (heightened sensitivity to possible traumatic stimuli).


When I read those, I immediately recalled this particular encounter with my form-6 math teacher. Sure enough, I dreamed about the teacher again, and he was yelling at me (and me yelling back) in the dream.

It has been more than one year, but every time I recall this incident, I still feel the angst and sorrow for having it to happen. The reason this conflict with the teacher had such a traumatic effect on me was because, of all the form-6 teachers, I was the least defensive to him (对他最没有戒心）。He was the type of teacher who came in class, taught, and left. He knew the subject he taught, and there were not much gossip or idle "sembang-ing" from him in class. Before the incident, if I had been asked who were the teacher I respected the most, I would probably say him. At that time, for some reasons, some teachers didn't really like me and passed bad comments about me, so I really appreciated a teacher who could just keep the teacher-student relation simple and professional.

But in the end, I was verbally abused by the same teacher for like 10 minutes. No, I let him verbally abuse me by choosing to remain in the room despite the crazy insults and accusations.

Even till this day, despite recognizing the knowledge he imparted (which I would have acquired myself if he had not), there was still so much angst for him, so much that I want him to die, to disappear. If I know he dies I will feel relieved from the implosions of shame inside me. Only if he dies I would forgive myself for my naivety.

Not My Intention

8:59 a.m. - Woke up. Shit, Physics on 9 a.m. So sleepy...can I skip class? Ok I'll skip, I wouldn't learn anything even if I went since I was so tired and sleepy. Ok, I'll go to the Organic Class on 11 a.m. Set my alarm to 10 a.m.

10:30 a.m. -- Still felt very sleepy. Ok, ok, I just need to get more sleep. Today's lecture material already covered in STPM. No need go.

12:50 p.m. -- Are you sure you don't want to go to the Econ class on 1:00 p.m.?

3:30 p.m. -- Shit. Brushed my teeth and went to Econ professor's office to hand in assignment.

First time skipping classes.

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I'm pulling an all-nighter again to do my lab reports.

Lalala.

Update

I really shouldn't be blogging.

It's 2 in the morning and I still have 2 chapters of Organic lab techniques to read. One weekend's procrastination has casted the ensuing week into a total upheaval. I'm lagging behind in all subjects, perhaps except Economics. But that's because I haven't started doing the homework yet.

So, this semester, I'm taking the following courses:

Modern Physics (Vibrations, Wave Mechanics, Introduction to Relativistic Mechanics) -- killer subject

Linear Algebra (with emphasis on proofs)

This one is rather interesting, but quite scary as I'm slow at understanding proofs.

(Math Prof: Alright. We're going to define what is a plane in an n-dimensional space.)

Organic Chemistry

Introduction to Economics

The schedule should be manageable, until you throw in the labs! I hate labs!

O!M!G! I Love this!

http://youtu.be/G51k-Kq61C8

Do you think these women really did a lot of homework to be so pro???!!

Fun Home

It's a book by Alison Bechdel, some sort of graphical memoir of her distant father, whom she found out to be gay/bisexual after she came out to her family as a lesbian.

I was supposed to have read this book during the summer, which I did, and had a discussion among us freshmen and the author. I said it was an emotionally moving book to me. And that was mainly because her father was gay, and had hid that from his family, his wife etc.

I didn't really understand some parts of the book, because of the deep vocabulary and extensive reference to some western canon literature (e.g. Odyssey, however you spell it ==) which I had not read before. Homosexuality shouldn't be the focus of the memoir, but rather the relationship between the author and her father, as I understood from our discussion. Yet the part that moved me the most is the fact that the author's father was gay. I just felt so sorry and sad that he (presumably) was forced to hide, not able to share this delicate but significant part of his life, his being. To be honest, this was not explicitly mentioned in the book, but I sort of "imposed" my own personal (and short) journey onto the plot of the book, and I cried whenever the book was dealing with either the author's or the father's sexuality, even though I failed to have a full grasp of the book.

That said, I don't understand why we had to "dissect" the book by overarching analysis. For example

Professor: Ok, let's talk about the word choice of the title. Fun Home. What are the connotations of "fun" or "home", anybody want to share their thoughts?

Student1: The author's home is not a fun place to be, it's actually dark.....creates a sense of surrealism.....connotation.....

Student2: bla bla bla....which is what contributed the most to the emotionality of the book.

Student3: bla bla bla....which is akin to the works of (some famous author I never heard of) ...... through the portrayal of.......transition.....

That said....I recognize the benefits of being able to analyze and criticize a literature or an artwork and the impression one gains from the work. I suppose it helps us to clarify our thoughts and opinion or sentiments rather than simply allow ourselves to be flooded by emotions, which is a rather lazy thing I often allow myself to indulge in.