Friday, July 29, 2011

For the Record: Torn Page of Notebook

I'm cleaning up my room, throwing away the exercise books and papers I no longer need. Unsurprisingly instead of getting rid of them I end up keeping a lot of my old notes and essays.


I'm keeping this page from my a memo notebook as well. It dates back to 09 July 2009, when I just quit A-Levels and returned to my SPM secondary school for Form 6.

09 July 2009

1. Apologize with Bio Teacher. (tick)

2. Ask L H H about the form, need to "sahkan" or not. (tick)

3. Ask Ch'ng about taking 5 subjects. Plausibility of taking practical assessment or opting for paper 4. Format of paper 4. Jior 鸟(old classmate name). (tick)

4. Go library. Study Latin prefixes & suffixes. (no tick)

5. MUET essay (tick)



16 July 2009

1. MUET Essay

2. Study Biology. Copy Biology Notes.

3. Catch Up with the class - Chemistry (tick)

4. Pre-Reading: Partial Fractions

5. Why is the sky red before sunset? (DeluSion's note: Sim 教Chemistry时讨论的。)



04 August 2009

1. Biology experiments. (Fern!)

2. Study Physics.

3. Clear Maths Chapter 3. (DeluSion's note: 这里埋下一年后和数学老师冲突的伏笔。)


-------------------------------
I'm making myself a Form 6 life archive!
I'm still unsure whether my Form 6 experience is what makes me or breaks me, though I definitely dread the thought that I did so little in past 2 years that no experience whatsoever had been precipitated.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Immunization Requirements: Chicken Pox

I'm trying to satisfy my university's immunization requirements for the past few weeks. The reason the process has to drag for a few weeks was none other than my procrastination.

Some of the vaccines necessitated by the university are:

1. MMR (Measle, Mumps, Rubella) *Mumps is probably "猪头皮"。

2. Tetanus, Diphtheria, accelular Pertussis (Tdap vaccine)

3. Hepatitis B

4. Varicella (i.e. chicken pox)

5. Meningococcal


I had MMR and DTP (number 2) vaccines 3 days ago, and took a blood test this morning which will hopefully show that I am immune to chicken pox, since I caught the disease when I was 5. The blood test (antibody titre) would not have been necessary if I knew which clinic my parents had brought me to for chicken pox!

Now that I think about it, I felt so stupid for testing for chicken pox antibodies, because the test costs me RM80, while the vaccine is probably cheaper. So I could have just taken the vaccine instead. ==

And the reason I kapsiao want to do a blood test was because 科技发展日新月异, I was under the impression that only 1 DROP of my blood was needed to run the test. But apparently they needed 10ml, which is about a third of the volume of a rolled-out normal Durex condom?!




*1 drop niah!




Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Surviving the 21st Century

Develop these skills in the next few years months:


1. basic web design (for a start, learn how to change your blog template from the present ugly green to something more refreshing.)

2. Improve English. (How? Tentative solution: improve mind to improve language.)

3. Become familiar with various online businesses, e.g. e-bay, online banking, Amazon, whatever.

4. Learn how to differentiate Windows from Apple.

5. Know what is Android, smartphone, i-Pod, iPad, iRobot.

6. Understand how unsupported ceiling does not fall down. (architectural, physical and engineering considerations.)

--------------------
*ok I'm just kidding with the 6th one.


Die liao la, Unemployed liao

  • At least 1 year(s) of working experience in the related field is required for this position.
  • Fresh graduates are encouraged to apply.

How am I going to have 1-year experience if I were a fresh graduate?!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Random

If I die, can I have my funeral held at night?


And play Clair de Lune by Debussy.


Sunday, July 24, 2011

Vaccination

Just taken 2 shots of vaccine this afternoon.


A fever is on its way.

Sieh ah~

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Marriage D'amour

I don't know what this song should be about. From its title "marriage d'amour", I guess it is about marriage. Perhaps a wedding.


I always knew the song by its Mandarin name on the score I used to learn this song - 《梦中的婚礼》literally "Wedding in Dream".

Since the wedding is in a dream, presumably it was not real. Is the wedding the kind the pianist/composer has longed for, or the kind the pianist dreads? Is it a happy song or a sad song?

I've thought that it is a sad, more precisely melancholic song. The wedding is something beautiful, and it is in the pianist's dream, if only the bride** were there. The bride is dead. So the wedding never materialized.

The bridegroom was recovering from grief. So I think this piece should be played with a tinge of grief of bridegroom from reminiscing his lover's and his past. Now that the lover is gone, the beautiful wedding remains a dream.

My current interpretation la.



**note: I used to "feel" the persona as the bride grieving over her fiance's death. Gave up figuring out how the transition of the gender of the persona occurred.

To be honest I suspect it occurred because I accepted my homosexuality. So it's okay to love men as a man. Of course, you can argue it both ways. For example, when I "feel" the bride playing, it could be that I am thinking of a male lover, which is natural of me. On the other hand, if I "feel" the bridegroom, well, I'm a man after all. But how do I explain the change of the gender of the dead lover (from male to female)? I don't know, but I guess my impression of a heterosexual wedding would be stronger than a gay wedding which I have never witnessed before, hence the difficulty in imagining a two men's wedding. Like who's going to wear the white gown, you see.

Now, to what extent do our feelings originate from our "inner self" rather than being the product of our social norms and collective imagination?

Friday, July 22, 2011

Workers of the world, unite!


When I was Form 2, for a few months I was interested in the national anthems of different country and spent some time to look them up.

The anthem of the former USSR (Soviet Union) is now my favourite.

Don't you think Russian sound so sexy in these men's voice?

------------------------
Transliteration:

Soyuz nerushimy respublik svobodnykh
Splotila naveki velikaya Rus'!
Da zdravstvuyet sozdanny volley narodov
Yediny, moguchy Sovetsky Soyuz!

Chorus:
Slav'sya, Otechestvo nashe svobodnoye,
Druzhby narodov nadyozhny oplot!
Partiya Lenina — sila narodnaya
Nas k torzhestvu kommunizma vedyot!

Skvoz' grozy siyalo nam solntse svobody,
I Lenin veliky nam put' ozaril,
Na pravoye delo on podnyal narody,
Na trud i na podvigi nas vdokhnovil!

(Chorus)

V pobede bessmertnykh idey kommunizma
My vidim gryadushcheye nashey strany,
I krasnomu znameni slavnoy otchizny
My budem vsegda bezzavetno verny!

(Chorus)
-----------------------------------------------------------

English Translation:

An unbreakable union of free republics,
Great Rus' has welded forever to stand!
Created in struggle by the will-of-the-people,
The united, the mighty Soviet Union.

Chorus:
Sing to the Soviet motherland, home of the free!
Bulwark of people, in brotherhood strong!
Party of Lenin, the strength of the people,
It leads us to the triumph of Communism.

Through tempests the sun of freedom shone to us,
And the great Lenin lighted us the way.
He raised peoples to the righteous cause,
Inspired us to labour and to acts of heroism.

(Chorus)

In the victory of the immortal ideas of Communism
We see the future of our country,
And to the Red banner of our glorious Fatherland
We shall always be selflessly true.

(Chorus)

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Maybe I Just Hit Puberty Yesterday

我觉得我从来没有best friend这个概念。可能是我人际关系的失败。不过我中学时觉得我有蛮多good friends, so我也觉得ok lo...不会觉得内心空洞还是什么。

So你知道啦,中四的时候。不知道zomok, 朋友当中一群人就开始anti某个人(Q)。

我认为我没有跟着anti啦。当时我觉得这样做太恐怖了。当时还没出柜,完全不想让另一个人也同样感受那种精神与社交上的孤立与无助。况且我和他5年级时参加一个生活营,我的队员全部讲我Ah Pon 时只有他一个参我罢了。(谢谢。)所以当很多人下课吃饭时都不跟他坐同一桌,我(有时)就会去跟他一起坐。不是我跟他特别好,只是觉得有必要抗拒这种集体的愚蠢。

后来,另一个人,R,也被anti了咯。这次我没有这样“伟大”了。因为....我个人不是很喜欢他。Form1时一整天叫我Piano Girl,后来又给其他人起外号。我不知道为什么R这样还能受欢迎!我觉得是因为他很能做事情咯,就是不是单单会读书罢了。

中五华文有一段课文:

“因为朋友之间的关系是建立在平等和真诚基础上的,所以我们并没有太多的精力和理由去责怪朋友的不忠和背叛,最好的方法就是远离。”

我觉得再Q被孤立的情况下,我跟他很难建立友谊。因为我们的关系不是对等的。我对他的“好”(如果下课一起吃饭也能叫做“好”的话)在那样的环境下,不是纯粹情感的流露,而是富人的施予。

我不明白我们一群人为什么能够容许R不断的对周围的人施行语言暴力。I have no idea how R commanded the popularity that once was among our small circle of people. How did he earn the privilege of verbally assaulting anyone without any repercussions for so long a time? Friendship to him seems to be suspending the otherwise constant verbal assaults on his friends. Friendship, in his case, was endowed upon his friends. Maybe I am unfair towards him. Not that I really tried to understand him. And I don't think my heart was strong enough for that. I've never seen him in person again after an OldTown session interspersed with his jokes about a guy who broke up with his apparently lesbian girlfriend in 2009. (or 2010)

(Translation: 为什么他能够这样受欢迎har? 我觉得他的友情是一种施舍lo。就是没有讲人就已经很好了。讲人而不需承担(政治?)后果是他的特权。或许我这样讲对他很不公平吧。我重来没有真正理解过他。我觉得我没有这个能耐。)
***

Last year, a form 6 friend (S) deleted me from his facebook friend list. I have no idea what were the exact incidents that precipitated in his action. I understand I do have flaws that might annoy him, and I wasn't really the ideal friend during my form-6 years, so to his defense (which some of you may find unnecessary) that deletion perhaps was not without basis. But what exactly those bases were, I haven't a clue. And he did not delete from the MSN friend list at first (since I could still see his activity). But I chose to delete him after some struggle. My pride would not allow me to be on MSN everyday just to await his pardon.

***
o.O~if somebody don't feel syiok to watch with us, you have ur right for not following us~You can join your others friends~I dun mind~but pls dun everytime also not happy even with just watching a movie~No offense~lalalalalalalalala


This is not the first time you threaten to exclude me from a friend outing or gathering.

“因为朋友之间的关系是建立在平等和真诚基础上的,所以我们并没有太多的精力和理由去责怪朋友的不忠和背叛,最好的方法就是远离。”

But you have nothing to threaten me. My only question to your repeated threats is:

Are you serious?








Facebook Quarrel

==


Whatever.

人人有人人的样子。我有我样子。人有人样子。高兴就好。

I do not always have to be right.
I do not always have to be right.
I do not always have to be right.
I do not always have to be right.
I do not always have to be right.
I do not always have to be right.
I do not always have to be right.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

okokok

okokok...I never studied economics (and always skipped the Finance section of newspapers), but I just developed the intuition that having the wealth of the country concentrated at a tiny class of people is bad for the economy as a whole.


Because

even if one person possess an awful lot of money (or wealth), and however extravagant its spending is, there is still a limit to how much it can spend*. So those money not spent is stagnant money, and somehow that is bad for the economy...

For the same amount of wealth spread to say 10 people, we have 10 people spending instead of 1. More spending, better economy.

---------------------------------------------
*You never heard of Investment izzit?!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Posted Here Because Cannot Post on Facebook

I must try to develop a more effective communication model that applies on people whom I just met, instead of keep using exclamation marks to artificially induce an atmosphere of excitement and unwarranted enthusiasm.


Like:

Omg!!

Yes, I also know her!!!

How you know!!!

LOL!


Not that the emotion is fake, but over time the enthusiasm tires me and emptiness creeps in silently.


KILL ME BAH!!!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Annoying Ppl (sometimes I'm one of them, I confess)

Met Ah Beng and Sakky Nah this afternoon. I'm not complaining about you two in this post, just other people with whom I coincidentally speak on the same topic.


-------------------------------
Do you find it annoying that when it came to choosing education path, people can just come to you and be an idiot? (Like, do I even know you?!)

Annoying Ppl (AP): Where you going to study?

Me: US.

AP: ooo, which U? MIT?

Me: == Brandeis University.

AP: Why you reject Singapore?

Me: (Is it any of your business?!) I don't like the country.

AP: Why you don't want go Imperial?

Me: Because I like US.

AP: Why not Purdue?

Me: Because I didn't apply. Bye.

--------------------------------------------
10 minutes later:

Ok. AP's questions are really not that offensive. Maybe I'm just feeling insecure with my decision. But. It would help if he rephrased the questions as follows:

AP: Hey, where are you going to study?

Me: US. You?

AP: oo...which U are you going? (I'm going to Antarctica by the way.)

Me: Brandeis University.

AP: So that means you rejected Singapore right? Can I ask why?

Me: ...just don't like the country.

AP: I remember you got an offer from Imperial College also right? Dunwan go UK?

--------------------------------------
HALA HALA MAYBE IT'S JUST ME LA!

--------------------------------------
20 minutes later:

And when I say I'm going to major in Biology, you say:

AP: What a waste. You so pro in Physics.

Me: (like wtf, did you see me do anything Physics-intensive before?!)


Monday, July 11, 2011

Posted Here Because Cannot Post on Facebook

死鬼,竟然讲我的笑话lame!~


!!

--------------------------------
10 minutes later:

OMG how can he say me lame!!!

Thursday, July 07, 2011

In Support of Courage

A great deal of my teen years was spent on struggling with my sexuality and learning to understand and appreciate my emotion and desire as what they are regardless of what our heteronormative society portrayed them to be.


After mentally and spiritually liberating and purging myself of some of the ridiculous notions of normalcy, I felt alive again. For the first time, not only women can be beautiful, men too. For the first time, the beauty of maleness (which I obviously appreciate) was not limited to the dry vocabulary "handsome". Now, men are also gorgeous, pretty, and sexy. The (self-acclaimed) liberation has opened up a plethora of new aesthetical experiences.

Today I met up with a few friends coming home from studies. Apparently police has set up road blocks amidst the tension of Bersih 2.0 Assembly, even here in Kota Sarang Semut, 400 kilometers from the capital. We're not joining the street protest or the indoor assembly, but I think all of us expressed concern over the danger of wearing yellow on this Saturday.

The concern was valid and I don't question it. But who has given our government and its machineries the mandate of imposing restrictions on clothing? The roadblocks may have purposes other than banning yellow shirts, but without adequate transparency and proper explanations on the purpose of setting up roadblocks, the effect achieved are the same - now people avoid wearing yellow, whether the Bersih logo is printed on the clothes or not.

I grew up being told that some of my innocuous feelings go against the law and values of this country. When I thought I have freed myself from fear of being different, having found space to channel my suppressed feelings and people who would understand, it was so easy to believe that nobody could take away those internal freedom from me anymore.

I was wrong. Now, I dare not wear yellow for fear of being stopped by police, for fear of what would happen after being stopped by police. I felt being forced back into the closet again. I am appalled. After so long a way I have come, this is fucking not happening.

You know the Day of Silence that is observed in some schools of the US, where students voluntarily stay silent for one day to raise awareness of the silencing effect of anti-LGBT bullying and harassment at school. This Saturday, we will see a lot of yellow, but at the same time some yellow will be wiped out from our vision because of fear.

The blog will be in yellow these few days in acknowledgement of the courage of Malaysians in pursuing freedom and happiness.


Wednesday, July 06, 2011

So What Is This?

I had a dream when I was sleeping in the afternoon. (No, it was not a nap. I stayed up late, and only slept in the afternoon.)


About my mother wanting to have* suicide. (*note: I don't like the word 'commit'. It's too loaded.)

!

I was both confused and frightened as the dream was unfolding.

There was my "mother" who's exhibiting this strong urge to take its own life, me in the dream who was a confused, distanced spectator of the drama, and me on bed who could see the dream and was frightened.

There was one scene when father in the dream questioned my mother's suicidal intentions(*2) and my mother insisted on suicide because it's her plan. And my father gave a rather comical response. Basically he was like, "wtf, if I had known you would want to commit suicide at 50 years old then I wouldn't have married you." And then I woke up.

[*2note: The me-on-bed actually experience the emotion of my "mother" in the dream, whereas father is just him. His character is convincing, but I was not able to read his mind in the dream.]

Throughout the dream, my mother did not do anything immediately dangerous. The tension of the dream was controlled by the strength of my mother's intention to end its life and its open expression about it. Obviously I am the person who experienced the tension as I am the one who had the dream, but the reason I was able to link the tension to my mother's intent or emotional state was that I, the person who had the dream, experience the SAME thought of my "mother"-in-dream.

There are two possible inferences from that:

1. The suicidal "mother" in the dream was me. She played out my thoughts, expressed by feelings, but assumed the identity of my mother.

2. I projected myself onto my mother. (This sentence doesn't really make any sense, does it?)


And there's another "me" in the dream - the third-person "me" who was just confused about what's happening. He's a third-person, because I, the real-life me, cannot read his thoughts. But I know he's pretty distanced from the drama.

And that I started to think more deeply about the dream as I write, I don't know which "angle of view" did I use to observe the dream. First I was the "mother"- her emotion are largely the emotion I went through in the dream, but the story was not told in the "mother"'s view. It was like watching opera, scenes after scenes, "mother" solo-ing on how she wanted to die. And the in the next scene father confronted "mother". Then the camera focused on the third-person "boy"(me as a character of the drama) about how he feels, how he's confused about the scenario. Actually his presence is quite annoying now. WTF is he doing there? Who am "I" in the dream? The "mother" or the "boy" who's just watching and frightened? The presence of the "boy" annoys me because I couldn't decide on what he felt about his "mother"'s death. When I felt frightened, did that feeling come from the "boy" or the objective, real-life "me" who was lying on the bed? Because at some point of the dream I can tell that the "boy" was just "whatever-I-don't-care"!

Are you familiar with the story line of the Harry Potter series? In Book5, Order of the Phoenix, when Harry had a dream and saw Nagini (the snake) bit Mr Weasley? He was also confused by the dream wasn't he, because first he saw the event from the eyes of the snake, but later when he recounted the dream to Dumbledore he talked about it as if he was watching the dream from a television. http://www.leakylounge.com/index.php?showtopic=61702

So at this moment I guessed that there were 3 personas whom I played in this dream.

1. The "mother" who expressed my suicidal thoughts.
2. The "boy", who was confused and indifferent about what was going to happen.
3. Me. The real-life me. Omniscient about everybody's thought. (But I still don't understand! Why the "boy" was there when I already AM both the "mother" and "me" (real-life me).

To a certain extent, everyone in the dream was me! Even my "father" was me! He was expressing anger about the "mother" thinking about killing himself. Outraged at how things did not go the way he wanted etc.

And to a certain extent again, the dream exposes the interaction dynamics of me and my parents. My father, as represented in the dream, is the parent who gave a stronger impression to me. In the dream he expressed anger and frustration, and I could see a clear image of him in the dream. In real life, I usually think that I know him better than mother, because I feel that I could more easily sympathize with him. Whereas my mother, over the years my teenage temper has made her cautious of the words she speak to me. And I really never felt what I understand she was thinking. Her life is mundane - she cooks, she sweeps, she stitches my clothes; all the stuff I don't really care - I don't have to care. I understand this sounds ungrateful but it is what it is. I understand so little of her, that she felt so.....hollow. Empty. And was her character so empty that I could already fill up thoughts and actions in her shell as happened in my dream?!

--------------------------
*My mother had better not read this.


Saturday, July 02, 2011

综艺节目

有一个电视相亲节目的对白。

男和女。当然,我不是说一定要男和女或女和男,不过那是一段男人和女人之间的对白,我只是忠实的重组那段对话。


男:你最喜欢什么

女:嗯...大白菜吧。

男:那,你认为我像什么菜

女:茄子吧。

观众:=="

女:就...他人长长瘦瘦的。

男:你知道我刚才多么希望你说我是你的大白菜吗...

--------------------------------------
哈哈哈哈哈。是不是很好笑?
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