Funny things I Heard and Learnt

I heard,

"and look at his body! Everytime he shows up, it's like all the evil in the world just vanquish!"

I learnt,

how to say "Bitch, make me a sandwich" in American sign language.

==

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Oh, not to mention:

Wednesday, August 31:

8:30am - 9:30 am

LGBTQA Breakfast

"xyz queer and allied group, would like to welcome all incoming students to a breakfast with other students, faculty and staff that are members and supporters of the LGBTQA community."

So going.

1st post from USA

I met someone from Georgia who look like you. It was crazy.

Departure

College Admissions Essay

Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study. (500 words)

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Biology and Me

I had hardly enjoyed attending Biology classes for the first half of my high school years. There were always names to memorize, processes to detail, and worst of all, most of the so-claimed facts could not be verified in a high-school lab. My focus was with the physical sciences then, as I felt the need to understand the fundamental laws of nature first before I examine a considerably more complex biological system. With that sentiment at heart, I dropped Biology after SPM and proceeded with Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics, and Further Mathematics in A-levels.

In the midst of endless calculations, I became aware of a missing element in my intellectual pursuit – the connection between my knowledge and my life. Without connection to my life, all the knowledge for which I was studying became meaningless. Almost everyday, I came across health news titles like “Chocolate Protects Against High Blood Pressure”, but I had no idea how much truth there was in that claim. It was in that exam-oriented environment that I realized I was not a cold, rational robot interested only in the circular motion of satellites, but a person who wanted to know the world and himself better. Biology, by painting a clearer picture of the obscure relationship between my human experience and the objective physical world, gives meaning to my life.

I took a U-turn in my academic career by quitting the A-level program and picking up Biology again in STPM. That proved to be a right decision. Studying Biology at an advanced level, I have been able to consolidate the biological knowledge gained over the years and synthesize new understandings from that foundation. A major in Biological Sciences would allow me to delve deeper into the subject and expand my perspective of life, in the biological sense and also in the general sense. With programs of study ranging from Biochemistry to Systematics and Biotic Diversity, any new area of interest I discover will be catered for at the College of Arts and Sciences.

Perhaps my enthusiasm in learning Biology is not entirely scientifically motivated. The heated debate on GM food, cloning, and embryonic stem cell research show that advances in Biology, notably in genetic technology, often have significant ethical impacts on society. Also, as most discoveries of modern Biology can be attributed to the western world, I personally feel that my Biology education would not be complete without a cultural and historical analysis of the discipline. As such, I would want to complement my Biological education with courses from the social sciences domain, or even major in Biology and Society.

Lastly, as a gay individual, I am aware of the power of social discourse in shaping the destinies of sexual minorities, thus I hope a solid background in Biology, perhaps coupled with a minor in LGBT(*1) Studies would empower me both socially and psychologically to see myself for who I am beyond the labels, and also remind me to exercise caution in using my power derived from knowledge.

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*1 LGBT means Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered.

I was admitted by the school...but financial aid rejected. CB.

Love Letters, to the tune of 《笑忘书》

Go to video site for lyrics.

On the Stage

It was grandfather's birthday a few days ago. We had a family dinner at a restaurant.

Because everybody was like "ohh...DeluSion, I never hear you sing before lo" , so I sang Eyes on Me.

After that they were like "ohh...DeluSion, I don't know you can sing lo".

American Conversation

Calling to a US government department office. (a bit difficult to reproduce the speech patterns of the Americans)

American1: Hello this is Michael, how can I help you?

DeluSion: erm....I'm a caller from Malaysia, I just submitted my....

American1: ooo...Malaysia...from Kuala Lumpur? Wait. What time is it in Malaysia?

DeluSion: erm....three.....half past three.

American1: In the afternoon, or is it in the morning? （这个真的是废话的, 他那边都afternoon着。）

DeluSion: In the morning. (continue talking about my problem.)

.

.

.

(somewhere in the middle)

American1: Your English is very goooooodd.

DeluSion: (ter-flattered) Oh, thank you.

That doesn't come very often you know, lol. Good customer service.

2010年父亲节

前言：顾及个人与家庭隐私，本文父亲匿名“顺吉”。（跟真名差很远,haha.)

--------------------------

爸爸 我可以叫你顺吉吗？

几年前开始，当我认真仔细的看着你或想起你时 ---- 不单只是想起“爸爸”这个词，而是当你这个人的画面出现在我脑海时，我会有一种错愕 ---- 那是一种对你，这个人之存在的清醒意识。我会讶异 ---- 这个人，这样的脸孔，这一副身形，是我爸爸。“爸爸”这个词所指的是，这个人。这样莫名其妙的感觉几年来间断地出现 ---- 似乎我，有将你 ---- 我称为“爸爸” ---- 与一个有机体做连结的障碍。

或许我儿童时期从来没把你当成人 ---- 你是爸爸，“爸爸”就是你的身份，你就是你的身份。你载我上学回家，你修理水喉，你上屋顶，拿锄头，砍树，修剪篱笆草；你给我零用钱，你放假带我去旅行，你年尾大扫除布置家。我是通过你的功能认识你的。有什么麻烦，一声“爸爸”，你都能替我解决。上了中学，我们搬家，你也不再教书。你载我去等巴士，从巴士站载我回家，载我去补习，从city plaza载我回家，买晚餐，周末买早餐，换账单，给我补习费，给我零用钱，给我买书钱，换旧灯泡，修理马桶，载我去槟城绑牙，处理新屋的事。这是大部分时间的你。

我现在想，长期以来我是否工具化了你。你知道，我对这样的状态开始感到不安。你是“爸爸” ---- 你在我上学补习，买晚餐，修剪屋外的椰树枯枝......等等等等。但不知什么时候开始你已经开始变成人，我逐渐意识到你的“人性”，而这也造成我早期的困惑。

我爸爸是个人。我对我爸爸的感情，是对人的感情。我记得2008年的父亲节，我对你说：“爸爸。我爱你。”那是一句非常没有功能性的“爸爸”。我觉得我叫你顺吉可以让你 ---- 我认知中的你 ---- 摆脱“爸爸”缠人的功能性。就情感交流而言，他或许更能让我意识到你的人性 ---- 你不只是“爸爸”，你是一个有历史，有个人经验，的人。你不只是一个在30多岁时进入我认知的人，你还有，很多很多的层面。那是我以前不了解的。

写到这里，我又觉得顺吉或爸爸，可能都只是称呼。或许当我“长大”，“爸爸”的功能性也慢慢减少，你也越来越有了“人性”。

感谢你这么多年为我的付出，爸爸。

25/06/2010

01：50 a.m.

------------------------------

后记：感谢也只是讲罢了啦。没有行动。也不敢给我爸爸看到这封信, lol.

Beans

Cook bean burn bean pod
Bean cry in the pot
"Both of us same stalk
Grill me why so syok."

An Account of Masturbation Habits and Self Discovery

It is a truth universally acknowledged that 95% of men have masturbated in their life. The other 5% lied.

I discovered the joy of masturbation at quite young an age. A lot of literature books on sex education I had read spent a few lines talking about the emotional guilt arising from masturbation, male or female. Funny, but I never felt guilty until I read those chapters. (What? So I'm SUPPOSED to feel guilty for doing this?????)

I never quite fathomed the supposed "guilt", although I did feel anxious when I realized I had been fantasizing about guys rather than girls. So to sum it up guilt rarely influenced the masturbation frequency in my early teen years. That was until I read an online article discussing the health hazards of "excessive masturbation". At that time the article was convincing enough that I decided to reduce my masturbation frequency. To make sure I achieved that goal, I made a masturbation log book for myself, in which I recorded the times I masturbate on each day. Apart from masturbation frequency, I also recorded the time I woke up and went to bed everyday. Because of the sensitivity of the information contained therein, I devised a lot of codes for my record purpose. For example, the second and third days of my masturbation log book read something like this:

Wed. 23/11/05

Wake up - 0850

On Bed - 0015

'T' of MsB - 1 1/2 [Times of Masturbation]

Ej - 1 [Ej - Ejaculation]

R - No MsB for next week. [R - remarks]

Thu 24/11/05

Wake up - 1030 (sore troat)

On Bed - 0046

'T' of MsB - 0

Ej - 0

At some point, feeling anxious about my attraction for the same sex, I decided to record the thoughts I had for either sexes while I was masturbating or when I climaxed. Such notes first appeared on the 3rd week of my record.

Mon. 12/12/2005

Wake up - 1035

On Bed - 0040

MsB - 1

Ej - 1

R - (tragically torn between double-H) - need some mind exercises.

[Translation for readers: "double-H" means "heterosexual" and "homosexual". So what I meant was that I was very very torn whether I was heterosexual or homosexual on that day. "Need some mind exercises" means try to think about females instead of males to arouse myself.]

The entries became more detailed as time passed. For instance, at the first month anniversary of my log book, I wrote in the "remarks" column:

"struggling between Double-H (Aroused seeing G pictures)."

[Translation: G means "gay"]

As time passed, the log book served the purpose of monitoring my "sexual preferences" more than the original purpose of recording my masturbation habits. On some occasions in that period, I found myself masturbating just to confirm whether I feel homosexual or heterosexual on that particular day. I even quantified my homosexual tendency relative to my heterosexual tendency (e.g. Homosexual 60: Heterosexual 40) Perhaps I believed if I had begun to "feel" heterosexual on enough days, I would finally leave my "homosexual phase" behind and become "normal" like my peers. Of course, such phase transition never occurred.

The logbook ended on Friday, 24/02/2006. I stopped halfway while I was updating the entry for that day. If I remembered correctly, I was horrified by the amount of days I had "homosexual thoughts". The only conclusion for that was

The State of Mind of a Gay Teen

Sun. 01/01 - struggling

Mon. 02/01 - confused

Tue. 03/01 - confused

Wed. 04/01 - no reaction when talking abt Hets [translation: no reaction when talking about girls. School started. Guy friends probably talking about sex and women at school.]

Thu. 05/01 - greatly confused; torn

Fri. 06/01 - same

Sat. 07/01 - Same

Sun. 08/01 - Same

Mon. 09/01 - torn

Tue. 10/01 - torn

Wed. 11/01 - torn, aroused seeing cute guys in movie

Thu. 12/01 - torn

Fri. 13/01 - torn

Sat. 14/01 - severely torn

Sun. 15/01 - severely torn

Mon. 16/01 - severely torn [note: probably just learnt the word "severe"]

Tue. 17/01 - severely torn

Wed. 18/01 - heart speeds up when XYZ near.

Thu. 19/01 - same

Fri. 20/01 - heart speeds up seeing XYZ movie.

Sat. 21/01 - heart speeds up (H and also H) [Translation: heart speeds up in both homoerotic and hetero-erotic situations]

Sun. 22/01 - torn

Mon. 23/01 - TORN

Tue. 24/01 - TORN

Wed. 25/01 - heart speeds up seeing ABC movie

Thu. 26/01 -

Fri. 27/01 - Homosexual 70: Heterosexual 30

Sat. 28/01 - Homosexual 60: Heterosexual 40

Sun. 29/01 - torn

Mon. 30/01 - torn slightly

Tue. 31/01 - torn

Wed. 01/02 - H [homosexual]

Thu. 02/02 - H

Fri. 03/02 - TORN

Sat. 04/02 - Torn

Sun. 05/02 - torn

Mon. 06/02 - torn

Tue. 07/02 - undecided

Wed. 08/02 - undecided

Thu. 09/02 - 40:60

Fri. 10/02 - Torn

Sat. 11/02 - H

Sun. 12/02 - Torn

Mon. 13/02 - Torn

Tue. 14/02 - Torn

Wed. 15/02 - torn

Thu. 16/02 - less torn

Fri. 17/02 - less torn

Sat. 18/02 - attracted to M [i.e. male or men]

Sun. 19/02 - Torn (same as above)

Mon. 20/02 - torn immensely

Tue. 21/02 - H

Wed. 22/02 - H (ere seeing M) [Translation: had erection seeing nude male pics]

Thu. 23/02 - H

Fri. 24/02 - [note: last day of entry]

I rediscovered my log book a year later in 2007 under a deep pile of rubbish I kept in my drawer. As I reread the entries, it dawned on me that I must no longer subject myself to this pointless pain and struggle and begin working on accepting myself.

Weeks later in the bathroom, for the first time I looked myself in the mirror and went: "You...are...gay. omg... lol."

Alone in a car: "I....AM...GAY!!!"

Towards the end of the year, I began coming out to my close friends, and continued to do so in my form 5 year. The coming-out would not have been possible without the empowerment from the book by 欧阳文风《同根生》. Because I knew so few LGBT people, I thought everybody's experience was similar to mine, and if I told my stories to the people around me, perhaps, just perhaps they would understand. And with enough understanding the future gay teens or even children would not have to face the same fear.

Once I communicated the discrimination and prejudice I thought gay people face with a heterosexual peer. He was very accepting of me (I think), but his response to my complaint of prejudice was: "Sorry. But how did society discriminate against you gay people?"

I was flabbergasted by that question. (Like isn't it so obvious that we've been discriminated against all along?)

This whole long post attempts to answer that question. It is wrong for society to instill prejudice in children against a group of people, because like it or not a significant portion of children will grow to discover they are "those kind of people" whom they have been taught to fear, to mock and to ignore. Don't let gay teens and children fear, mock, and ignore themselves.

Night Travel

Last midnight, I returned home only to discover that I had been locked outside. Since I was lazy to call my family to open the door, I decided to spend the night driving around.

I didn't really know where I wanted to go, so I ended up in Sungai Petani.

Sungai Petani's town centre at night is really beautiful. For some reasons it reminded me of the night scene near Pudu Raya, KL. I especially like the building of a certain bank, whose name I have forgotten >.< (shit~!)

I also went to my old house in Simpang Empat before I drove to Sungai Petani.

I went to 7-11 in Kota Sarang Semut to buy tissue papers....because my stomach felt a bit "weird" while I was driving. Very happy I didn't need to use them in the end.

I regret not taking the chance to pee outdoors, since it was night time. I thought about peeing in front of the longkang of my current home, in front of police station, pee at the traffic light, or just roadside. But in the end I went to a petrol station instead.