Auto-Psychoanalysis

Erm....I wasn't really sure whether I should post something so "intimate" of my erm...private life. But then there's nothing "intimate" about it, so....erm....

So I had to go out to sort out some stuff this afternooon, and there's a Watsons' store near that place, so I went in the store again after taking care of the serious stuff, thinking about buying another packet of condoms.

I'm not having sex with anyone. So you might wonder why I bought the condoms. And then masturbation with condom on sucks. The "big" reason: Just as I believed one should learn about divorce before getting married, I think it applies that I should learn more about the protective measures before having any "real" sex, especially when I'm under the impression that the HIV transmission rate per intercourse is significantly higher among MSM (the acronym for 'men who have sex with men') compared to the general population. I read from somewhere before that it has been speculated 1 among 10 MSM is HIV positive, so obviously it is important to practise safe sex. Why the awkward term of MSM instead of gay men? From what I can recall, it is because not all men who have sex with men identify as gay men. Some of them (or us?) (identity crisis kicking in) also have sex with women while having male sex partner(s). So ya, hence the term.

So I went into the store, and I remembered that my facial cleanser is almost used up. There was this tudung-ed woman who kindly enquired for the products for which I was looking. And it so embarrassingly happened that I gave the wrong name of the product, and thus she was puzzled. But then I managed to find my facial cleanser without much hassle.

After that I went to the back of the store to look for the condoms. There were a few brands on the shelf, but the only one I could recognise was Durex. I was actually thinking of buying a flavoured condom, but there wasn't any available. The Durex condoms on the shelf are, Comfort, Close Fit, Love, Tingling, etc. I can't recall that much. And then I saw some lubes at the bottommost tray - KY jelly and Durex Play, so I decided to buy one of them as well.

Me being me, I chose the condoms like I was choosing for some food - reading the ingredients, expiry date, etc. So I was at the back squatting reading the condom description one by one. One thing which confused me slightly was that Love comes with lube (no pun intended!), as I understand the product description at the back of the packet, but then why is it cheaper than the rest of the condom series? Ok, whatever.

I could sense that the shop assistant ocassionally threw her stares to me, but I suppose that was fine, because I probably would have done the same. What's more with my kiddy look.

And thus I wondered whether I was buying the condoms just to practise wearing it. Was it not because I like the attention paid to me while I was in the store, as I was the only customer in the store then. I'm not sure whether people usually select condoms like the way I did. If I was the exception, then did I intend to create some sort of tension in the store by doing so.

The storekeepers are possibly used to it, but I was not. My attitudes tend to be sex-positive recently, as in I believe sex, as an issue, should not be so "restricted" to certain types of discourse. So maybe I was trying to see how consistent can my actions be with my thoughts.



Still that doesn't fully explain my behaviour. I am currently keen to see my behaviour an attempt to compensate for my lack of my "maturity" on reaching adulthood. You see, there's nothing to brag about me buying condoms, it's not like I'm only thirteen - were I to be then that would have been some sort of achievement ^^ . Maybe it's my insecurity about being an adult.

Or it might just be the coffee.
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Cracked my brain to finish this post, now totally no mood to think about sex.