The previous post (which has been deleted) was about my coming out to a schoolmate. After that a friend told me that people had been talking about it, so I was worried, and consequently removed the blog post.
The next day was weekend, and when I bumped into a group of guys at the mall, I sensed that the way they talked to me was a bit...queer. I'm not sure whether I was over-alert at that time or not, but they did make me feel disturbed.
I'm not blaming anyone specific here, nor myself. I felt quite down on that night, and I couldn't exactly tell why. I'm out to at least 25 of my peers, and I had not thought that I would be bothered by more people knowing that I like men guys.
I came out to the 9th person in Form 5. From what I heard, he didn't really believe it, so he tried to confirm it with one whole row of students during the maths tuition class >.< thereby exposing me, somehow or rather. But that was okay. I guess I kind of expected that to happen when I decided to come out to him on msn.
How naive I am, to trust that the impact of this recent coming-out would just be like the 9th one. Last time, most of my "gang" had already known when I came out to Mr9. So I was more in control of the spread of the information. But in form 6, having made so many new acquaintances, the fear of exposure surfaced the moment I was warned by my friend.
But what is it that I fear?
Fear of letting people to know that I'm gay? Fear of any "misunderstanding" between me and my schoolmate? Fear of WHAT?
I soon reached the conclusion which I have come to over and over again. It's because of my yearning for people's compliments, and subsequently the fear of hearing ill opinion about me, which I find disturbing most the time.
All I need to do is to look myself into the mirror, and I would know that I'm certainly not perfect. Very very imperfect. And that's entirely okay!
It's time that I know who I am deeply inside (and shallowly outside), what matters the most to me. It's okay to change because of people's remarks. But never let fear break me. When we no longer fear, we can be free.
Monday, August 02, 2010
On Removing the Previous Post
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28 comments:
I thought you said you won't delete your previous post.
I would like to exchange links with your site depressiveguy.blogspot.com
Is this possible?
Khai : I know >.<
yun : I guess.
Anonymous : Sorry, I don't get what you mean >.<
probably better if you keep it a secret until u r emotionally ready and mature.
u r 17? better not come out at this time as most sec. school peers are not emotionally mature.
best time is during University as you would be mature and so would your peers be.Most gay guys i know gained confidence, gay experience and accepting peer, etc etc at Uni.
And it's best if you keep a separate blog to write about your gay life, to protect your privacy of coz.
Juz some advice from a bro. take care there. =)
Mr. D: Thank you so much for this long long advice. haha. I'm more than 17 by the way, just lazy to change the age. But again, thanks for the warm comment!
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