hahaha

今天学校的国庆典礼超冷。我很高兴。

Ask what the country can do for you and others.
Love is blind and clouds your judgement, so DON'T love your country.

Love the people, love the mountains, rivers and seas;
Love the hot guys the sexy girls or otherwise classified,
Love Gunung Jerai Pulau Pinang or any places you like,
forests or skies,...
green or blue or (put what word har?）
Love, love, love;
hug a tiang.
Anything but an empty cemerlang, gemilang, terbilang.

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国家是不值得你爱的，如果他不允许你不爱他。

On My Brain Abnormalities

Not too long ago, I heard from a teacher, two in fact, or maybe three (>.<), that some of the teachers are dissatisfied with a few students, which (, naturally,) include me. According to one particular teacher who leaked the news, although I've got good grades so far, I'm not like the "top students" the school used to have.

I'm not implying that I'm better. If you know me well you would know other than having an above-average school grades, I really have nothing to boast about in school. Anyway, I confess that I have intended to become the "top-student-who-get-good-grades-but-never-respect-teachers" since I quitted A-levels and came back for STPM. In a way I wanted to prove that the school is just a bankrupt institution. Yes, I'm this vain. With that ambition, what followed was a series of conflicts with teachers, which earned me the bad reputation I have now.

Yesterday, I read that teenage antisocial behaviour is related to some form of brain abnormalities. In an experiment[1], the brain scans of teenagers with conduct disorders (CD)show less activity in the areas involved in processing emotions when they are shown images of angry, sad, and neutral faces. The researchers believed that the results may explain why teenagers with CD are insensitive to distress of others and to social signals of aggression.

This prompts me into thinking whether my "antisocial" behaviour as a biological root. I think I am the kind of person who attends to my own emotions much more than to the people around me. For example, if a teacher speaks of his opinion which I strongly disagree with, then it is likely of me to raise my hand and speak out. I think this usually happens to Ah Koi my Chemistry teacher, because he seems to have so many things to say in the class.
I know he's not particularly fond of me (read: doesn't really like me), because I'm arrogant, always-come-to-school-late, never-respect-teacher etc, but I do have my respect for him, for the fact that he teaches me chemistry.

Ah Koi is a teacher, but unfortunately, he's also part of the school administrative team. Usually he's the one who disciplines the form 6 students who come late for the morning assembly.That's fine by itself, but I really couldn't stand it when a teacher flaunts his power over a student. 权力的傲慢。What he usually does is to ask for reasons that we are late before asking us to do anything for disciplinary action. What he's given to is to say "no no no, no arguments" when he cannot counter the students. >.< I remember I once responded to that pet phrase with a "YES!" when I was in the heat of my temper. LOL.I made it clear to him that I have nothing against him in particular but the "system", to which he responded with a nod.

To be fair to him, I do see that he's helped some students out of their troubles, like one useless pengajian am teacher insisted on a group of students to write their R&D report in Malay, so one of the group member asked for his help to change to another teacher for their R&D supervision.

OMG, what a rubbish post.

What the Fuck Is Existentialism?

"Fuck me! Fuck me! Even a multiple orgasm would not have filled this existential void."

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Just a random thought when I'm desperate.

希望不会有人对我唱这样的歌

Yesterday I cooked spaghetti for the first time in my life. It tastes horrible.

On Removing the Previous Post

The previous post (which has been deleted) was about my coming out to a schoolmate. After that a friend told me that people had been talking about it, so I was worried, and consequently removed the blog post.

The next day was weekend, and when I bumped into a group of guys at the mall, I sensed that the way they talked to me was a bit...queer. I'm not sure whether I was over-alert at that time or not, but they did make me feel disturbed.

I'm not blaming anyone specific here, nor myself. I felt quite down on that night, and I couldn't exactly tell why. I'm out to at least 25 of my peers, and I had not thought that I would be bothered by more people knowing that I like men guys.

I came out to the 9th person in Form 5. From what I heard, he didn't really believe it, so he tried to confirm it with one whole row of students during the maths tuition class >.< thereby exposing me, somehow or rather. But that was okay. I guess I kind of expected that to happen when I decided to come out to him on msn.

How naive I am, to trust that the impact of this recent coming-out would just be like the 9th one. Last time, most of my "gang" had already known when I came out to Mr9. So I was more in control of the spread of the information. But in form 6, having made so many new acquaintances, the fear of exposure surfaced the moment I was warned by my friend.

But what is it that I fear?

Fear of letting people to know that I'm gay? Fear of any "misunderstanding" between me and my schoolmate? Fear of WHAT?

I soon reached the conclusion which I have come to over and over again. It's because of my yearning for people's compliments, and subsequently the fear of hearing ill opinion about me, which I find disturbing most the time.

All I need to do is to look myself into the mirror, and I would know that I'm certainly not perfect. Very very imperfect. And that's entirely okay!

It's time that I know who I am deeply inside (and shallowly outside), what matters the most to me. It's okay to change because of people's remarks. But never let fear break me. When we no longer fear, we can be free.