Hurting People Around Me

I just realized I hurt someone really badly a few hours ago.

Or rather, that someone made me realize how badly I'd hurt him. Or so he reported.

Not that I wasn't aware that my behavior toward him, or people in general, are...not good, in the sense that I keep people at a distance. Though I always attribute my emotional distance with people to my lack of so-called people skills, it never occurred to me that that could cause pain at such intensity.

Of course, what I did (or did not do) to him, was not only emotional distancing. It was outright.....rude.

This incident, or as I prefer, life episode, apparently confirmed the suspicion that has been boiling painfully (awkward metaphor) in my head - part of the lack of people skills is actually due to - I don't care about people. Always me me me.

I apologized to him profusely, but alas, he formally acquainted me to the concept of "self-serving apology". To quote his (reproach^10), "I am sorry for the people who have to deal with you." Much less than being offended, I was, relieved, by this verbal affirmation of what has been quietly brewing behind my mind - that I don't deserve the nice people around me. I'm really a jerk.

I don't know.

I'm not sad. The rational mode of my mind is becoming aware of the emotional hollowness within my shell, yet my ugly basal instinct slyly celebrated my ability to involuntarily cause pain.

Me me me.

Peace.