For the Record: Torn Page of Notebook

I'm cleaning up my room, throwing away the exercise books and papers I no longer need. Unsurprisingly instead of getting rid of them I end up keeping a lot of my old notes and essays.

I'm keeping this page from my a memo notebook as well. It dates back to 09 July 2009, when I just quit A-Levels and returned to my SPM secondary school for Form 6.

09 July 2009

1. Apologize with Bio Teacher. (tick)

2. Ask L H H about the form, need to "sahkan" or not. (tick)

3. Ask Ch'ng about taking 5 subjects. Plausibility of taking practical assessment or opting for paper 4. Format of paper 4. Jior 鸟（old classmate name). (tick)

4. Go library. Study Latin prefixes & suffixes. (no tick)

5. MUET essay (tick)

16 July 2009

1. MUET Essay

2. Study Biology. Copy Biology Notes.

3. Catch Up with the class - Chemistry (tick)

4. Pre-Reading: Partial Fractions

5. Why is the sky red before sunset? (DeluSion's note: Sim 教Chemistry时讨论的。）

04 August 2009

1. Biology experiments. (Fern!)

2. Study Physics.

3. Clear Maths Chapter 3. (DeluSion's note: 这里埋下一年后和数学老师冲突的伏笔。）

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I'm making myself a Form 6 life archive!

I'm still unsure whether my Form 6 experience is what makes me or breaks me, though I definitely dread the thought that I did so little in past 2 years that no experience whatsoever had been precipitated.

Immunization Requirements: Chicken Pox

I'm trying to satisfy my university's immunization requirements for the past few weeks. The reason the process has to drag for a few weeks was none other than my procrastination.

Some of the vaccines necessitated by the university are:

1. MMR (Measle, Mumps, Rubella) *Mumps is probably "猪头皮"。

2. Tetanus, Diphtheria, accelular Pertussis (Tdap vaccine)

3. Hepatitis B

4. Varicella (i.e. chicken pox)

5. Meningococcal

I had MMR and DTP (number 2) vaccines 3 days ago, and took a blood test this morning which will hopefully show that I am immune to chicken pox, since I caught the disease when I was 5. The blood test (antibody titre) would not have been necessary if I knew which clinic my parents had brought me to for chicken pox!

Now that I think about it, I felt so stupid for testing for chicken pox antibodies, because the test costs me RM80, while the vaccine is probably cheaper. So I could have just taken the vaccine instead. ==

And the reason I kapsiao want to do a blood test was because 科技发展日新月异, I was under the impression that only 1 DROP of my blood was needed to run the test. But apparently they needed 10ml, which is about a third of the volume of a rolled-out normal Durex condom?!

*1 drop niah!

Surviving the 21st Century

Develop these skills in the next few years months:

1. basic web design (for a start, learn how to change your blog template from the present ugly green to something more refreshing.)

2. Improve English. (How? Tentative solution: improve mind to improve language.)

3. Become familiar with various online businesses, e.g. e-bay, online banking, Amazon, whatever.

4. Learn how to differentiate Windows from Apple.

5. Know what is Android, smartphone, i-Pod, iPad, iRobot.

6. Understand how unsupported ceiling does not fall down. (architectural, physical and engineering considerations.)

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*ok I'm just kidding with the 6th one.

Die liao la, Unemployed liao

• At least 1 year(s) of working experience in the related field is required for this position.
• Fresh graduates are encouraged to apply.

How am I going to have 1-year experience if I were a fresh graduate?!

Random

If I die, can I have my funeral held at night?

And play Clair de Lune by Debussy.

Vaccination

Just taken 2 shots of vaccine this afternoon.

A fever is on its way.

Sieh ah~

Marriage D'amour

I don't know what this song should be about. From its title "marriage d'amour", I guess it is about marriage. Perhaps a wedding.

I always knew the song by its Mandarin name on the score I used to learn this song - 《梦中的婚礼》literally "Wedding in Dream".

Since the wedding is in a dream, presumably it was not real. Is the wedding the kind the pianist/composer has longed for, or the kind the pianist dreads? Is it a happy song or a sad song?

I've thought that it is a sad, more precisely melancholic song. The wedding is something beautiful, and it is in the pianist's dream, if only the bride** were there. The bride is dead. So the wedding never materialized.

The bridegroom was recovering from grief. So I think this piece should be played with a tinge of grief of bridegroom from reminiscing his lover's and his past. Now that the lover is gone, the beautiful wedding remains a dream.

My current interpretation la.

**note: I used to "feel" the persona as the bride grieving over her fiance's death. Gave up figuring out how the transition of the gender of the persona occurred.

To be honest I suspect it occurred because I accepted my homosexuality. So it's okay to love men as a man. Of course, you can argue it both ways. For example, when I "feel" the bride playing, it could be that I am thinking of a male lover, which is natural of me. On the other hand, if I "feel" the bridegroom, well, I'm a man after all. But how do I explain the change of the gender of the dead lover (from male to female)? I don't know, but I guess my impression of a heterosexual wedding would be stronger than a gay wedding which I have never witnessed before, hence the difficulty in imagining a two men's wedding. Like who's going to wear the white gown, you see.

Now, to what extent do our feelings originate from our "inner self" rather than being the product of our social norms and collective imagination?

Workers of the world, unite!

When I was Form 2, for a few months I was interested in the national anthems of different country and spent some time to look them up.

The anthem of the former USSR (Soviet Union) is now my favourite.

Don't you think Russian sound so sexy in these men's voice?

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Transliteration:

Soyuz nerushimy respublik svobodnykh
Splotila naveki velikaya Rus'!
Da zdravstvuyet sozdanny volley narodov
Yediny, moguchy Sovetsky Soyuz!

Chorus:

Slav'sya, Otechestvo nashe svobodnoye,

Druzhby narodov nadyozhny oplot!

Partiya Lenina — sila narodnaya

Nas k torzhestvu kommunizma vedyot!

Skvoz' grozy siyalo nam solntse svobody,
I Lenin veliky nam put' ozaril,
Na pravoye delo on podnyal narody,
Na trud i na podvigi nas vdokhnovil!

(Chorus)

V pobede bessmertnykh idey kommunizma
My vidim gryadushcheye nashey strany,
I krasnomu znameni slavnoy otchizny
My budem vsegda bezzavetno verny!

(Chorus)

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English Translation:

An unbreakable union of free republics,
Great Rus' has welded forever to stand!
Created in struggle by the will-of-the-people,
The united, the mighty Soviet Union.

Chorus:

Sing to the Soviet motherland, home of the free!

Bulwark of people, in brotherhood strong!

Party of Lenin, the strength of the people,

It leads us to the triumph of Communism.

Through tempests the sun of freedom shone to us,
And the great Lenin lighted us the way.
He raised peoples to the righteous cause,
Inspired us to labour and to acts of heroism.

(Chorus)

In the victory of the immortal ideas of Communism
We see the future of our country,
And to the Red banner of our glorious Fatherland
We shall always be selflessly true.

(Chorus)

Maybe I Just Hit Puberty Yesterday

我觉得我从来没有best friend这个概念。可能是我人际关系的失败。不过我中学时觉得我有蛮多good friends, so我也觉得ok lo...不会觉得内心空洞还是什么。

So你知道啦，中四的时候。不知道zomok, 朋友当中一群人就开始anti某个人（Q)。

我认为我没有跟着anti啦。当时我觉得这样做太恐怖了。当时还没出柜，完全不想让另一个人也同样感受那种精神与社交上的孤立与无助。况且我和他5年级时参加一个生活营，我的队员全部讲我Ah Pon 时只有他一个参我罢了。（谢谢。）所以当很多人下课吃饭时都不跟他坐同一桌，我（有时）就会去跟他一起坐。不是我跟他特别好，只是觉得有必要抗拒这种集体的愚蠢。

后来，另一个人，R，也被anti了咯。这次我没有这样“伟大”了。因为....我个人不是很喜欢他。Form1时一整天叫我Piano Girl，后来又给其他人起外号。我不知道为什么R这样还能受欢迎！我觉得是因为他很能做事情咯，就是不是单单会读书罢了。

中五华文有一段课文：

“因为朋友之间的关系是建立在平等和真诚基础上的，所以我们并没有太多的精力和理由去责怪朋友的不忠和背叛，最好的方法就是远离。”

我觉得再Q被孤立的情况下，我跟他很难建立友谊。因为我们的关系不是对等的。我对他的“好”（如果下课一起吃饭也能叫做“好”的话）在那样的环境下，不是纯粹情感的流露，而是富人的施予。

我不明白我们一群人为什么能够容许R不断的对周围的人施行语言暴力。I have no idea how R commanded the popularity that once was among our small circle of people. How did he earn the privilege of verbally assaulting anyone without any repercussions for so long a time? Friendship to him seems to be suspending the otherwise constant verbal assaults on his friends. Friendship, in his case, was endowed upon his friends. Maybe I am unfair towards him. Not that I really tried to understand him. And I don't think my heart was strong enough for that. I've never seen him in person again after an OldTown session interspersed with his jokes about a guy who broke up with his apparently lesbian girlfriend in 2009. (or 2010)

(Translation: 为什么他能够这样受欢迎har? 我觉得他的友情是一种施舍lo。就是没有讲人就已经很好了。讲人而不需承担（政治？）后果是他的特权。或许我这样讲对他很不公平吧。我重来没有真正理解过他。我觉得我没有这个能耐。）

***

Last year, a form 6 friend (S) deleted me from his facebook friend list. I have no idea what were the exact incidents that precipitated in his action. I understand I do have flaws that might annoy him, and I wasn't really the ideal friend during my form-6 years, so to his defense (which some of you may find unnecessary) that deletion perhaps was not without basis. But what exactly those bases were, I haven't a clue. And he did not delete from the MSN friend list at first (since I could still see his activity). But I chose to delete him after some struggle. My pride would not allow me to be on MSN everyday just to await his pardon.

***

o.O~if somebody don't feel syiok to watch with us, you have ur right for not following us~You can join your others friends~I dun mind~but pls dun everytime also not happy even with just watching a movie~No offense~lalalalalalalalala

This is not the first time you threaten to exclude me from a friend outing or gathering.

“因为朋友之间的关系是建立在平等和真诚基础上的，所以我们并没有太多的精力和理由去责怪朋友的不忠和背叛，最好的方法就是远离。”

But you have nothing to threaten me. My only question to your repeated threats is:

Are you serious?

Facebook Quarrel

==

Whatever.

人人有人人的样子。我有我样子。人有人样子。高兴就好。

I do not always have to be right.

I do not always have to be right.

I do not always have to be right.

I do not always have to be right.

I do not always have to be right.

I do not always have to be right.

I do not always have to be right.