It Gets Better

I was chatting with a girl friend of mine, asking her about Singaporean lifestyle and guys in general. Since she's aware of my romantic inclination for men, at some point of the conversation we talked about certain issues to which I should pay particular attention if I was considering studying in the Lion City.

Some point in the conversation, I suggested that (straight) women in general should support gay guys for their own good, since they would not want closeted gay men to marry them under societal pressure and be heartbroken when they found out their husbands' true desire. Albeit the persuasive tone of my words, the mood of the chat was a relaxed one. After a few rounds of exchanges, she replied with the following: I support, but no in m'sia.

Then there was a tingling sensation - a very brief free fall of my stomach. I could proceed, now, with an analysis of her statement, followed by a rebuttal expounded with reasons as detailed as I could. That was not what I did.

I was brought back to an old classroom which we used as St John's sickbay in 2008. A guy friend just said, in a cold, rational and composed manner, that gay people should move out to western countries, because "they" already had a community there, which he claimed had not been established here in malaysia. His speech brought my experience of anger to a new level. Never was I so angry even when politicians suggested chinese as a collective whole to return to china. His speech was perceived as a direct threat to me, the only silent homosexual in the room. I wanted to push him to the wall, choke him till his face turns violet, dash out the room and slam the door on everybody. You'd think my blood boiled, but instead it froze over. I was shivering out of anger and fear.

When the female friend said "not in m'sia", the emotional response her words elicited was of a gentler variety. It was not rage, but a slight disappointment. Why, even though we've talked about guys and my sexuality so openly together, she still did not bring herself to accept the gayness in this country? Then I figured out, I was....hurt.

It hurts when you say not in m'sia and tell me to move out from the soil which has nurtured me over the past 20 years.

It hurts when you say not in m'sia, it makes me feel lesser of a citizen of this land.

It is estimated that 5% of the human population is gay. Imagine one day 5% of them vanished out of air. Think about the voices you'll miss, the silence you hear.

We are your brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles. We're doctors, engineers, teachers, janitors, firefighters and soldiers. We live and contribute to this country and society. All we ask is that you let us.
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She said she began to sympathize with how gay people feel, after I wrote the last few lines to her. So come out, we can make a change.