Emotional Management

I'm not sure whether it's got anything to do with the school holiday coming to an end, but these in these few days I find myself rather very emotionally unstable.

Yesterday, my sweet dream in the early morning was interrupted by the housemaid when she was cleaning the dog cage. But I didn't know she was doing cleaning of any sort; I thought she was just teasing the dog for fun. Quite frankly, I can tolerate the dog's barking slightly more than I can for her high-pitched voice. Just imagine the voice my previous additional maths teacher lower by a fifth. And she kept repeating "Tiger, tiger, tiger", which is the name of the dog, and rolled every R's! I don't know whether it was just me, but I find the high pitch voice very irritating. Relatively speaking, I am able to tolerate a sounds from machines if the noise is continuous, but for noise from dogs or humans, it's really irritating, because firstly, they're totally unpredictable. By that I mean they don't repeat after a fixed brief period. The frequency is totally random and whenever there is a pause, I will be somehow compelled to anticipate for the next burst of their noise. AND THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY UNBEARABLY IRRITATING!!!

I was thinking 'bout opening the window and shout "fuck you" to the maid, but of course I didn't. And I just can't stand her voice, even when she speaks. In the afternoon she was talking to my mother. The loudness of her voice is probably just normal, but somehow it feels like her voice just keeps drilling into my ear. I remember my previous physics lecturer mentioned that sound waves with lower frequency is able to propogate further. But why is her high-pitched voice so easily detected!! FUCK IT!

Actually it's just a small matter, but my mood was severely affected yesterday. No mood for inorganic chem. And I was suspecting if it the horrible mood swings had anything to do with chemistry. I was studying aluminium, and I somehow arrived at a statement which is apparently contradictory to my established ideas accompanied by very little explanation. So I wrote "fuck you" on the margin of that page! And then it was the high-pitch voice again.

So basically no mood for chemistry the whole day, what's more with the 2008 class gathering in the afternoon, and the gathering helped tame my totally random anger for that gathering period.

It has been a long while since I felt so angry. Previously I was usually depressed. I can actually feel the "chi" accumulating in my heart and then radiates to the upper part of my body. I am now doubting if all these have anything to do with the maid or the cibai dog. Sometimes I think all these happen because of my limited living experience, and hence I have the time to augment and regurgitate most my unhappy feelings to the extent that it affects people around me.

And weeks earlier my family and I attended a 5-day course/seminar about dizigui (弟子规). Of course it wasn't my idea to join such camps. I'd rather bark at the dog at home. And because they say some buddhist monk is coming, and so many people are going because of him, and because my father really wanted me to go, as what he said, I went. The course was mainly about practising my nice-good values at home, at work; with your spouse, your parents, your children etc. I'm already annoyed on the first day when I know that monk whom we'd spoken about would not be coming. Nonetheless I think I didn't complain much on the first 2 days, other than sleeping in the lecture hall. But on the third day, there was the opening ceremony, and the ugly-looking MCA state assemblyman came. And because it was a somewhat official ceremony, bahasa Melayu was used too. And I wonder which fatherfucker had the idea of using "Salam Satu Malaysia" in place of "Selamat sejahtera". So everytime they used "Salam Satu Malaysia" and I would whisper "pooih!" like I was spitting. Why? Hell! I could almost stand up and say Heil Hitler! It's gruesome to see how politics manipulate and distort the way we use language. If some people choose to fuck up their own language I say have it their way, but ***********ly (adverb censored due to constitutional considerations), it is the country's official language, and it is taught in all schools.

It is my own unproficiency of the languages, but I know writing on a topic in different languages yields different stances and opinions. I feel sorry that my BM is not good enough, that everytime I write an essay I had to follow the samples and use disgusting clauses like "kancah maksiat", "anasir jahat" (ok, i never really used this.)

So my whispers annoyed my father, and he asked me to just shut up and listen, haha. Before the next slot/lecture/talk started, I told him I think this dizigui is a good thing. I explained to him that the reason I could not pay much attention is because I don't feel that it is the most important issue that concerns me the most, which is why I'm not enthusiastic about this course. He was ready to listen to my ideas, but the lecture starts and we soon forgot about it.

Until a few days earlier. My father, and my mother and I to some degree, are hooked on this drama series about Zheng He going down the seas. So one day when my father and I are watching, we had a stimulating conversation on a subplot. There was this cibai character (I promise I will use lanjiao the next time I curse) who owns a big stock of a herb that could cure some illness, and he sold the herb for a prohibitively high price when everybody in town needs it. So he was brought to the emperor, and the lanjiao ministers advised for chopping off his head, claiming that he was immoral. Thank God the king pardoned him, but confiscated all his herbs.

I was sympathetic with the merchant. I argued that he was just doing business, and it's horrible to live in times when somebody could just chop your head off for nothing. My father did not counter what I said, but said the merchant was immoral la.....

A summary of the conversation:

Me : Immoral immoral la....He also got sell the herb to save people's lives mar....

Dad : He sell so expensive.....Legally he's not wrong la....but morally wrong mar.....

Me : Then what? Want to kill him liao ah?

Dad : The king also didn't kill mar....

Me : That's why I say lo....morality is horrible.....can just kill people....

Dad : (forgot what he said)

Me : They're going to kill him lo! Of course I have to speak in his defense!



Then out of sudden:

Me : That's why I say dizigui is not the most important thing......



On hearing this, my father switched off the TV, and wanted to listen to me.



Summary :

Me : 我跟你讲.....(deep breath)我跟你讲......(deep breath)我跟你讲.......

Dad : 你去喝水啦，冷静先，慢慢讲。

Me : 我跟你讲...我....成长的过程......从form 1 开始..........这个又要从同性恋讲起了......

Me : 我跟你讲.....我成长的过程，所接触到的，都是讲同性恋什么不道德啊.....还有，《断背山》没有在马来西亚播.....也是什么道德啊.....所以......当人家讲起什么道德时，我会很反感。道德没有什么不对，不过我觉得对我来讲不是最重要的东西.....我要的，是我的权利......对我来讲我的权利才是最重要的.....才是我最关心的东西。就是这样我才觉得那个弟子规不是很重要。

Dad : 来你看，其实我也猜到了啦，那天你很多小动作，就是那个讲师有讲到同性恋不好的，就刺激到你。很多时候周围的人讲到同性恋，又刺激到你，不只是人，还有文章。弄到你一直要注意，一直要捉看人家有讲到同性恋什么吗，一有你又受刺激。

来我们讲回同性恋的事情。其实，同性恋har....人生有很多事情har.....除了爱情以外啦，还有亲情啊，朋友，事业还有很多。爱情只是占一部分。当然啦，有的人，他比较专注事业，比如科学家啦，他读书读书很多时间，他研究就占他很大部分时间了。当然啦，有的人他追求爱情.....(forgot liao)

Me : 这个不是爱情不爱情的问题。我只是要跟你讲zomok我觉得弟子规不是最重要的。

Dad : ok 啦，我们讲得比较粗俗一点，就是性对不对？......

Me : (泪流鼻塞了）这个不是爱还是性的问题！不是说去掉爱情就没有同性恋了！不是说去掉性就没有同性恋了！他是我整个人的一部分！他关系到我走在街上，看的是女生还是男生！他关系到（喘气）他关系到我在街上不能和男生牵手！他关系到我的财务规划！

Dad : 跟财务规划有什么关系？

Me : 你跟我讲你做财务规划时有没有想到你老婆还有孩子！这个....这个平等权利不是什么泛泛之谈，他影响着我的生活，他是我每天面对的事情。就是这样我才觉得你跟我讲道德前我要先有完我的权利！！！我的权利最重要！！

什么道德，明明是自己的工作，做了还要人家跟berterima kasih. 今天去lab, 迟一点去罢了吗，那个lab assistant好像人家欠他（男的）什么这样。叫人家不要一个一个来啊，打电话给老师啊somok.....讲我们只可以在lab 八点到十二点。那个lab明明开到三点的！

Dad : 你又知道lab开到3点。

Me : 另一个lab assistant自己讲的！我要留到3点马是这样罢了，现在做自己的工好像是我们求他这样！

Dad : 你看啦，一个人讲话就能这样刺激到你。你是说你要留到3点故意为难他也可以啦。

Me : 一定不能啦！锁匙都在他的位！还有，之前那个狗屁老师他讲我什么arrogant，他一个人就能够弄到我这样痛苦，还不是因为他权力很大啊！很多老师也是，好像当老师很辛苦他们这样，要人家berterima kasih。就是因为他从此以后我是不会什么尊师重道了的啦！我尊重他的知识就好！老师的品格本来就不用好的，知识好就够了。一直要把老师抬.......

Dad : 这样讲就不对了.....(forgot)
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Me : 我没有错！都是整个社会的错！我要我的权利！我不是要跟你争论什么，我只是要跟你讲对我来说我的权利才是我最关心的事情！那个道德什么次要！！！（当时跟拍戏没两样)
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Dad : 其实很多时候，你很在意人家的用词。弄到爸爸妈妈跟你讲话也要很小心，哎哟，用这个词会刺激到你吗，会令你想到什么吗....我们变成很小心翼翼....跟你讲话也要很小心。其实一家人讲话应该很直接坦诚的嘛.....

妈 ： 就是咯。
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Dad : 你做那些小动作，损人不利己。影响到人家。人家也不会明白你是什么事情，Ay这个人zomok这样的.....

Me : SO?

Dad : So 对你自己也没有好处啦。

Me : 我跟这些人的人生是不会有交集了的，我管他们怎样想我。我高兴就好。

Dad ：haiz....就是讲你天真啦。

Mom: 这个世界其实很小而已，以后说不定还是会遇到的。

Dad ：你这样做受伤害的就只有3个人啦。一个当然就是你自己啦，我肯定你心里也不会很好受。接下来就是我和mummy啦。

Me : (扮可怜无辜）ok.....现在我还有因为这样感到内疚......(我知道他们难受我会比较好受。很不孝，不过是真的。讲出来跟不讲出来感受都是这样，孝不孝是perception的问题，本质上没有差别。）

Dad : haiz....我不要这样讲的....

我懒惰写了。
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Today, the same thing happened. I was awakened by the dog's barking and the maids high-pitched voice. I tried to remain calm. And I did, for 1 minute. Then I jumped off from bed, walked to the window and knocked violently at the window --- "TOLONG JANGAN BUAT NI AWAL PAGI!!!" She countered back like the way I countered Fauzi. "Kenapa?" "Anjing tu berak....nasi atas lantai.....Saya marah......"

我懒得理她。

心里有好受些吗？没有。不过现在不用烦了。解决掉一样事了。我也觉得我不对，不过我最重要！！！我爱怎样就怎样！
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啊，我平淡的生活。

Longest post since September. Possibly an indication of my recovery from communication disorder. Finally a cause for self-worth.