本人这几天一直有机会就用的话(其实也只用到两次）

法律是手段，不是原则。

---------------------------------
参考：
http://depressiveguy.blogspot.com/2009/10/blog-post.html

观《十月围城》有感

我想起一句话 -- 人是可以为理念而死的。（*注）

读革命/独立史不仅因爱国，还是为了解种种人们愿意为之赴汤蹈火的理念与价值，也是给曾为后人思考，奋斗，牺牲的渺小个人致敬或怜悯时代给他们造成的伤害。

站在历史前，没有好人，没有坏人，只有人。我想起Gombrich在A Little History of the World里写道，

"Each one of us no more than a tiny glimmering thing, a sparkling droplet on the waves of time which flow past beneath us into an unknown, misty future. We leap up, look around us and, before we know it, we vanish again. We can hardly be seen in the great river of time. New drops keep rising to the surface. And what we call our fate is no more than our struggle in that great multitude of droplets in the rise and fall of one wave. But we must make use of that moment. It is worth the effort."

观《十月围城》，情绪随武打动作与剧情发展波动之外，亦受前人为信仰斗争的热情所感动。从来不曾了解孙中山一人，向来认为当时清帝国已是摇摇欲坠，革命成功也是理所当然之事。从未如此具体地意识到革命是要流血的；如此深刻地感受个人生命在大时代的脆弱。观影时认为有必要了解孙中山的生平，了解他一个人，在那个时代做了什么，他的所作所为，又如何书写了他的一生。

后来我想起马共，还有陈平。这是在大马官方历史教育里失声的一群人。他们当年的斗争目的是什么？他们想的是什么？他们有些人为了一些理念付出了青春与性命，我觉得我至少应该明白什么是共产主义才对得起我的公民身份。

当然，还有Abdul Rahman, 陈祯禄，Za'ba, "golongan Melayu radikal"，林连玉等。

龙应台的书有一本有一个topic -- 你是否看见历史里的“人”？
-----------------------------------------------------------------
*注：原文很优美，可惜我忘了。

** 等我读完chemistry先。

Emotional Management

I'm not sure whether it's got anything to do with the school holiday coming to an end, but these in these few days I find myself rather very emotionally unstable.

Yesterday, my sweet dream in the early morning was interrupted by the housemaid when she was cleaning the dog cage. But I didn't know she was doing cleaning of any sort; I thought she was just teasing the dog for fun. Quite frankly, I can tolerate the dog's barking slightly more than I can for her high-pitched voice. Just imagine the voice my previous additional maths teacher lower by a fifth. And she kept repeating "Tiger, tiger, tiger", which is the name of the dog, and rolled every R's! I don't know whether it was just me, but I find the high pitch voice very irritating. Relatively speaking, I am able to tolerate a sounds from machines if the noise is continuous, but for noise from dogs or humans, it's really irritating, because firstly, they're totally unpredictable. By that I mean they don't repeat after a fixed brief period. The frequency is totally random and whenever there is a pause, I will be somehow compelled to anticipate for the next burst of their noise. AND THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY UNBEARABLY IRRITATING!!!

I was thinking 'bout opening the window and shout "fuck you" to the maid, but of course I didn't. And I just can't stand her voice, even when she speaks. In the afternoon she was talking to my mother. The loudness of her voice is probably just normal, but somehow it feels like her voice just keeps drilling into my ear. I remember my previous physics lecturer mentioned that sound waves with lower frequency is able to propogate further. But why is her high-pitched voice so easily detected!! FUCK IT!

Actually it's just a small matter, but my mood was severely affected yesterday. No mood for inorganic chem. And I was suspecting if it the horrible mood swings had anything to do with chemistry. I was studying aluminium, and I somehow arrived at a statement which is apparently contradictory to my established ideas accompanied by very little explanation. So I wrote "fuck you" on the margin of that page! And then it was the high-pitch voice again.

So basically no mood for chemistry the whole day, what's more with the 2008 class gathering in the afternoon, and the gathering helped tame my totally random anger for that gathering period.

It has been a long while since I felt so angry. Previously I was usually depressed. I can actually feel the "chi" accumulating in my heart and then radiates to the upper part of my body. I am now doubting if all these have anything to do with the maid or the cibai dog. Sometimes I think all these happen because of my limited living experience, and hence I have the time to augment and regurgitate most my unhappy feelings to the extent that it affects people around me.

And weeks earlier my family and I attended a 5-day course/seminar about dizigui (弟子规). Of course it wasn't my idea to join such camps. I'd rather bark at the dog at home. And because they say some buddhist monk is coming, and so many people are going because of him, and because my father really wanted me to go, as what he said, I went. The course was mainly about practising my nice-good values at home, at work; with your spouse, your parents, your children etc. I'm already annoyed on the first day when I know that monk whom we'd spoken about would not be coming. Nonetheless I think I didn't complain much on the first 2 days, other than sleeping in the lecture hall. But on the third day, there was the opening ceremony, and the ugly-looking MCA state assemblyman came. And because it was a somewhat official ceremony, bahasa Melayu was used too. And I wonder which fatherfucker had the idea of using "Salam Satu Malaysia" in place of "Selamat sejahtera". So everytime they used "Salam Satu Malaysia" and I would whisper "pooih!" like I was spitting. Why? Hell! I could almost stand up and say Heil Hitler! It's gruesome to see how politics manipulate and distort the way we use language. If some people choose to fuck up their own language I say have it their way, but ***********ly (adverb censored due to constitutional considerations), it is the country's official language, and it is taught in all schools.

It is my own unproficiency of the languages, but I know writing on a topic in different languages yields different stances and opinions. I feel sorry that my BM is not good enough, that everytime I write an essay I had to follow the samples and use disgusting clauses like "kancah maksiat", "anasir jahat" (ok, i never really used this.)

So my whispers annoyed my father, and he asked me to just shut up and listen, haha. Before the next slot/lecture/talk started, I told him I think this dizigui is a good thing. I explained to him that the reason I could not pay much attention is because I don't feel that it is the most important issue that concerns me the most, which is why I'm not enthusiastic about this course. He was ready to listen to my ideas, but the lecture starts and we soon forgot about it.

Until a few days earlier. My father, and my mother and I to some degree, are hooked on this drama series about Zheng He going down the seas. So one day when my father and I are watching, we had a stimulating conversation on a subplot. There was this cibai character (I promise I will use lanjiao the next time I curse) who owns a big stock of a herb that could cure some illness, and he sold the herb for a prohibitively high price when everybody in town needs it. So he was brought to the emperor, and the lanjiao ministers advised for chopping off his head, claiming that he was immoral. Thank God the king pardoned him, but confiscated all his herbs.

I was sympathetic with the merchant. I argued that he was just doing business, and it's horrible to live in times when somebody could just chop your head off for nothing. My father did not counter what I said, but said the merchant was immoral la.....

A summary of the conversation:

Me : Immoral immoral la....He also got sell the herb to save people's lives mar....

Dad : He sell so expensive.....Legally he's not wrong la....but morally wrong mar.....

Me : Then what? Want to kill him liao ah?

Dad : The king also didn't kill mar....

Me : That's why I say lo....morality is horrible.....can just kill people....

Dad : (forgot what he said)

Me : They're going to kill him lo! Of course I have to speak in his defense!



Then out of sudden:

Me : That's why I say dizigui is not the most important thing......



On hearing this, my father switched off the TV, and wanted to listen to me.



Summary :

Me : 我跟你讲.....(deep breath)我跟你讲......(deep breath)我跟你讲.......

Dad : 你去喝水啦，冷静先，慢慢讲。

Me : 我跟你讲...我....成长的过程......从form 1 开始..........这个又要从同性恋讲起了......

Me : 我跟你讲.....我成长的过程，所接触到的，都是讲同性恋什么不道德啊.....还有，《断背山》没有在马来西亚播.....也是什么道德啊.....所以......当人家讲起什么道德时，我会很反感。道德没有什么不对，不过我觉得对我来讲不是最重要的东西.....我要的，是我的权利......对我来讲我的权利才是最重要的.....才是我最关心的东西。就是这样我才觉得那个弟子规不是很重要。

Dad : 来你看，其实我也猜到了啦，那天你很多小动作，就是那个讲师有讲到同性恋不好的，就刺激到你。很多时候周围的人讲到同性恋，又刺激到你，不只是人，还有文章。弄到你一直要注意，一直要捉看人家有讲到同性恋什么吗，一有你又受刺激。

来我们讲回同性恋的事情。其实，同性恋har....人生有很多事情har.....除了爱情以外啦，还有亲情啊，朋友，事业还有很多。爱情只是占一部分。当然啦，有的人，他比较专注事业，比如科学家啦，他读书读书很多时间，他研究就占他很大部分时间了。当然啦，有的人他追求爱情.....(forgot liao)

Me : 这个不是爱情不爱情的问题。我只是要跟你讲zomok我觉得弟子规不是最重要的。

Dad : ok 啦，我们讲得比较粗俗一点，就是性对不对？......

Me : (泪流鼻塞了）这个不是爱还是性的问题！不是说去掉爱情就没有同性恋了！不是说去掉性就没有同性恋了！他是我整个人的一部分！他关系到我走在街上，看的是女生还是男生！他关系到（喘气）他关系到我在街上不能和男生牵手！他关系到我的财务规划！

Dad : 跟财务规划有什么关系？

Me : 你跟我讲你做财务规划时有没有想到你老婆还有孩子！这个....这个平等权利不是什么泛泛之谈，他影响着我的生活，他是我每天面对的事情。就是这样我才觉得你跟我讲道德前我要先有完我的权利！！！我的权利最重要！！

什么道德，明明是自己的工作，做了还要人家跟berterima kasih. 今天去lab, 迟一点去罢了吗，那个lab assistant好像人家欠他（男的）什么这样。叫人家不要一个一个来啊，打电话给老师啊somok.....讲我们只可以在lab 八点到十二点。那个lab明明开到三点的！

Dad : 你又知道lab开到3点。

Me : 另一个lab assistant自己讲的！我要留到3点马是这样罢了，现在做自己的工好像是我们求他这样！

Dad : 你看啦，一个人讲话就能这样刺激到你。你是说你要留到3点故意为难他也可以啦。

Me : 一定不能啦！锁匙都在他的位！还有，之前那个狗屁老师他讲我什么arrogant，他一个人就能够弄到我这样痛苦，还不是因为他权力很大啊！很多老师也是，好像当老师很辛苦他们这样，要人家berterima kasih。就是因为他从此以后我是不会什么尊师重道了的啦！我尊重他的知识就好！老师的品格本来就不用好的，知识好就够了。一直要把老师抬.......

Dad : 这样讲就不对了.....(forgot)
.
.
.
Me : 我没有错！都是整个社会的错！我要我的权利！我不是要跟你争论什么，我只是要跟你讲对我来说我的权利才是我最关心的事情！那个道德什么次要！！！（当时跟拍戏没两样)
.
.
.
Dad : 其实很多时候，你很在意人家的用词。弄到爸爸妈妈跟你讲话也要很小心，哎哟，用这个词会刺激到你吗，会令你想到什么吗....我们变成很小心翼翼....跟你讲话也要很小心。其实一家人讲话应该很直接坦诚的嘛.....

妈 ： 就是咯。
.
.
.
Dad : 你做那些小动作，损人不利己。影响到人家。人家也不会明白你是什么事情，Ay这个人zomok这样的.....

Me : SO?

Dad : So 对你自己也没有好处啦。

Me : 我跟这些人的人生是不会有交集了的，我管他们怎样想我。我高兴就好。

Dad ：haiz....就是讲你天真啦。

Mom: 这个世界其实很小而已，以后说不定还是会遇到的。

Dad ：你这样做受伤害的就只有3个人啦。一个当然就是你自己啦，我肯定你心里也不会很好受。接下来就是我和mummy啦。

Me : (扮可怜无辜）ok.....现在我还有因为这样感到内疚......(我知道他们难受我会比较好受。很不孝，不过是真的。讲出来跟不讲出来感受都是这样，孝不孝是perception的问题，本质上没有差别。）

Dad : haiz....我不要这样讲的....

我懒惰写了。
-------------------------------------

Today, the same thing happened. I was awakened by the dog's barking and the maids high-pitched voice. I tried to remain calm. And I did, for 1 minute. Then I jumped off from bed, walked to the window and knocked violently at the window --- "TOLONG JANGAN BUAT NI AWAL PAGI!!!" She countered back like the way I countered Fauzi. "Kenapa?" "Anjing tu berak....nasi atas lantai.....Saya marah......"

我懒得理她。

心里有好受些吗？没有。不过现在不用烦了。解决掉一样事了。我也觉得我不对，不过我最重要！！！我爱怎样就怎样！
-----------------------------
啊，我平淡的生活。

Longest post since September. Possibly an indication of my recovery from communication disorder. Finally a cause for self-worth.



　　　　 　　　　　　　

你有听过主耶稣的名吗？

The door bell rang, I went to get it, and the first thing I got was :

Where's daddy and mummy?

>.<

There was a group of teenagers/young adults around my age standing outside. At first I thought they're the so-called “market investigator" 市场调查员, you know, those that likes to ask: "auntie, may I know what brand of oil do you use? uncle, can I know how often do you visit the supermarket etc"

One girl : We'll just take one minute.
Me : What's up?
Fat boy : It's not going to take much of your time, just one minute.
Me : What's the matter?
Random guy : We just need one minute.
Me : What's the matter?

All in unison : We're spreading the good news. (传福音）
Girl : Do you feel lost? Do you feel empty, like all you do everytime is enjoy enjoy enjoy but still feel empty right?
Me : (巧慧的眼神）
Fat boy : We're telling you about a great great love, an all-encompasing love.
Me : oh. (Holy hell...)

Girl : Have you heard of the name of Jesus Christ?
Me : (contemplating...) err....yes.
Girl : Jesus loves you. Do you believe in Jesus?
Me : err.....
Fat boy : What's your religion? Are you a buddhist?
Me : Well, erm....I don't have a religion. (I don't like the idea of having a religion.)
Fat boy : oh, I see. (forgot what they said)

Girl : Do you want to know more about Jesus?
Me : erm... Why don't you just leave the leaflets or books to me, and I'll read them up when I'm free.
Fat boy : (start showing me one book) You see, these are the testimonials of the people who believe in Jesus. (信主）So you said you're a....free-thinker? Some of them also don't believe at first. See this.....see that....this.....
Me : ooo

I said I don't have a religion, I didn't say I'm a free-thinker, and I think by free-thinker he meant atheist. I think the three are different. Anyway, I'd like to be a free-thinker, but whatever.

Fat boy : And you need not worry, all these books, they have a publisher.
Me : (crow flying over my head) Does it matter?
Fat boy : Erm....so these books can be bought in bookstores. The one you're holding is RM10.90. Would you be interested in buying one for further reading?
Me : ohh.....(quick quick return the book, LOL)

Me : erm....actually I still have some left with me. haha, haven't finished those.....so.....
Fat boy : oh...you mean you have one of these.....
Me : oh, not this, just the other.......

Me : Where did you all come from?
Girl : Miri, Sarawak.
Me : wow.
Girl : To come and see you ah.......
Me : oh.

(moments later)
Fat boy : Why don't we all call the name of God/Jesus etc (I forgot the exact line)
Everyone of the group : bla bla bla (forgot)
Girl : (enthusiastically) C'mon, just call once and you're welcoming Jesus to enter your life!
Everyone in the group : bla bla bla
Me : hahaha (like the way Bond used to hahaha)

Me : Ok, thank you guys.
Girl : Jesus loves you.
Me : erm....wish you all a smooth trip. (祝你们顺利啦....)

Actually I shouldn't wish them to be successful. It's organized religions that cause so much sufferings. Think about Saudi Arabia, think about Iran, think about Malaysia!

It was like 10 minutes later that I realized I should have told them I'm gay and see what they have to say. >.<

--

Sayonara:

今天早上，刚出世不久的hamsters的其中一只死了。

我刚才在给一只喝水。看它两只小爪按着喂水器喝水的样子，我突然不忍心明年要解剖白老鼠了。

--------

记着他的鸟人脸

Y.B. DR. HAJI MOHD. PUAD ZARKASHI

新闻摘要：

副教長：學院也不接受資格‧不承認統考政策不變

09/12/2009

（吉隆坡）教育部副部長拿督莫哈末卜艾指出，政府不承認獨中統考文憑的政策保持不變。

“不承認獨中的統考文憑是政府當前的教育政策，我們必須堅決捍衛這政策，就因為獨中的文憑不受政府承認，連一些學院的入學資格都不接受獨中的文憑。” http://www.sinchew.com.my/node/141633?tid=1

Parti
BN - UMNO

Parlimen
P150

Kawasan
Batu Pahat
------------------------------------
他讲不接受独中统考文凭，我反感，但还不会post上来。不过，身为一名副部长（看他可以做多久！），连话都讲不好，你说他要怎样治理国家事务？

这个是我看过最没脑的句子了。表面上似乎justify了延续是项政策的原因，但是其实什么都没讲。基本上就是说：我们目前的policy是X, 我们会teruskan这个policy, 就因为啊.....我们不承认这个文凭，所以有些学院也不承认这个文凭。

hello hello.....有没有人觉得后半句多余？？？会不会觉得跟这种人讲话/讲理会很气喘？

contoh:
A ：我想吃烧鱼。
B ：可是烧烤不好。听说含有致癌物。
A : 是啊？我想吃烧鱼。
B ：你要吃我也没有办法，不过我觉得为了健康，还是不要吃好。
A ：我还是会继续吃烧鱼，况且有些人也是喜欢吃，你不知道meh?

总之，你可以忘记这个人的脸，不过千万记住他的名和选区！A vote against Puad, a vote for a better future!!!

Free our education system form undue political influence!!

I am Angry

Bought Mc Saver Chicken burger (RM 3.15) at Pacific. Drove to food court near home, cursed the food court, drove out to Jalan Pegawai to MyFC, found the food to be totally inedible. Drove further to one vegetarian restaurant. Wanted to drive to a more distant somewhere-else, reminded myself to be 适可而止。

Fragile

I caught a bug 3~4 days ago for biology's insect preservation group project.

I just kept it in a plastic bag in my room.

No food no water, but everyday I would open up the bag to allow air ventilation.

Today I found the bug lying motionless. So I assume it's already dead, judging by its stiff-looking appendages.

I thought it would be able to strive longer.

Apparently he's just as fragile as us.