On My Second Crush

I have problems in comprehending 'love', the way the word is used as a verb.

As in 'I love you.'

I don't understand why 'love' is used as a transitive verb, as in Subject + Verb + Object, e.g. Lily eats rice; in contrast with intransitive verbs, which have the general sentence structure of Subject + Verb, e.g. I sleep.

I feel that when an object of affection is followed by 'love', it implies that love, as the subject's "action", is having an effect on the object. This clearly is untrue, as in the case of unreciprocated affection.

Maybe I'm mixing up state verbs with action verbs. State verbs, are, well, verbs that describe a state.
Emotion : I hate that dog!
Possession: I have a penis.
Senses : I hear birds chirping.
Thought : She believed everything he told her.

But I'm not talking about "I love pizza" or "Children love to play". When used like that I can easily understand the meaning of the sentence. However, I'm writing about the intense affection or deep tender feelings the subject has for the object. If we consider the causal connection between the object and the subject's feelings, I think we may safely conclude it is the object which "causes" love to grow in the subject.

I'm guessing that the reason I find "I love you" 'weird' is that it doesn't account for the intrapersonal dimension of love - the hormonal changes! the shortness of breath! the temporary malfunctioning of cerebral cortex! The cause of such excitement (if I may say so) is not explicitly addressed if we express love by saying "I love you".

To me, "I love you" is the utterance of one's love, but I fancy a more "rational" expression that addresses the cause of love -- 'You made me love'. The former conveys to the object that the subject has some sort of affection for them, but the latter asserts more. It addresses the reason of the subject's tender feelings, reason being the object, and conveys such feelings without the anticipation for the object's reply which is usually associated with "I love you". The meaning is complete.

You made me love.

No Soft Skills

今天Ah Koay讲到一句话，刚好刺到我，怒火中烧。

吐舌头。

他肯定看到了。

>.<

MUET

Since I'd rather fail MUET than not online, I think I can only try to blog something as practice for tomorrow's MUET writing test instead of staring blankly on my facebook profile.

First of all, I really regret chatting with Quah Chee Sian till 3 oclock in the morning, one day before the MUET test. Now I'm so sleepy....

I don't know why I should be so concerned with this MUET test, because I don't think I need a band 5 or 6, since it's unlikely that I'll apply for the "competitive courses" like engineering or medicine.

But I suppose my vanity will not easily forgive myself if I fail to get a Band 4 or above. Well to be honest I demand a band 5 from myself (although I know my writing is going to pull down the marks!), although I do allow for a band 4, as what I've been repeating in my mind these few days :

"Aim for band 5, hope for band6, be happy with band 4."

(p.s. Should I do badly in the test, this blog post shall become testimony to the saying that "pride comes before the fall")

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I wonder what topics would come out for the writing section. I do hope it will be something controversial like:

1. Young people should vote for BN in the next general election. Do you agree? Give your views.

2. Gay people should just go die. Give your views.

3. MUET speaking test is so fake. Give your opinion.

rather than :

1. Discuss strategies of attracting more tourists to Malaysia.

2. Discuss ways to promote unity among Malaysians.

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Ok I was half joking. The groups of topics above represents extremes of both ends of a spectrum of topics from simply dry to outrageous, none of which is likely to be actual test topics. However, I think I need to be emotional in order to write a good essay - I can only produce a good essay only if the things I write are what I feel strongly about. That is probably my weakness in writing.
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Internet addiction:

An addiction is a persistent behavioural pattern marked by physical or psychological dependency or tolerance which brings disruption in the quality of life of the organism.

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Strategies to attract more tourists:

1. erm. improve taxi service
2. erm. improve safety (crime)
3. erm. eco-tourism. Because of the hype of climate change and stuff, people will be more inclined to spend their holidays in "eco" places. Malaysia have the world's oldest tropical rainforest and what Pulau Sipadan. Snorkelling centre. Promote it.

that's all la. Why people want to come to malaysia? So many better places to go.
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Die.

Power is Knowledge

权力如何生产知识：


家里的一个小型不粘锅坏了。叫我拿去丢，我收进房间。觉得会用到。今天早上六点半：

kakak : DeluSion, mana itu itu....

me : oh, sudah rosak.

kakak : Itu itu.....kuali kecil tu.

me : Dalam bilik saya. Sudah rosak.

kakak : oh.....kamu guna? Saya nak goreng telur, cari tak jumpa......(恐怖的腔调）

me : erm. Tapi sudah rosak.


你可以看到我重头到尾都拒绝多解释，只是重复"rosak", "rosak", "rosak"。那个kakak也没有机会多问什么，也只能接受我的well, "rosak".


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1. Perempuan yang bergaul bebas adalah kerana mereka tidak mempunyai harga diri.

2. 华人应该懂华语。

3. Homosexuality is a sin.

4. Huraikan cara-cara untuk meningkatkan semangat patriotisme dalam kalangan orang muda.

5. Peningkatan kadar jenayah dalam kalangan remaja disebabkan keruntuhan institusi kekeluargaan.

6. Semua orang percaya kepada Tuhan.

7. 所有宗教都是教人向善的。

8. Bapa merupakan ketua dalam keluarga.

9. Kepercayaan kepada Tuhan
Taat Setia kepada raja dan negara
Keluhuran Perlembagaan
Kedaulatan undang-undang
Kesopanan dan kesusilaan

10. 家庭是社会的基本结构。

11. 仁义礼智。

12. Dalam kelas saya hanya ada bahasa Melayu dan bahasa Inggeris. Saya tak mau dengar bahasa lain.

13. I don't want to hear you all speak Mandarin anymore har......Speak English.

14. 华人不懂华语是可耻的。

15. 马来人，都没有文化的......没有历史的......



就算是所谓“科学知识”，也可能只是权力对身体的肆意论述：

16. 有些男生举止娘娘腔是因为雌性荷尔蒙分泌过多。

17. 有些男生变成同性恋是因为他们小时被同性性侵。

18. 还有一些是因为跟女性有过不愉快的经历，比如：被女生劈腿，小时妈妈的教育方式过严。

19. 不过也有一些是参女生太多，所以他也认同女生的喜好了。



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没有权力，就脱光光，躺平平，让人肆意论述。

How Can Like This.....

Ah Koay (chemistry teacher) did not enter a 3-period class today. With so much time to kill, some of us were studying (while chatting haha) and the others are playing chess and talk cock and stuff.



I guess we were pretty noisy. Ah Ch'ng came out from his room and subtly reminded us to "do our own work".



And then when the second time he came out again, he suggested that we could discuss organic chemistry questions or go back to class instead of staying in the lab. I wish we had talked a little about the organic chemistry questions, rather than continued talking shit.



Maybe not everybody is as studious as me (not to say I'm very studious also la...), some may want a little bit or rest after the crazy!-sick!-变态!-"5 subjects in 2 days" exam. But I kind of feel disgusted by the way some of our classmates threw out this excuse:



" We already passed up the question paper with the answers." ----1



Don't you think it sounded so stupid? I mean, the teacher offered to teach when he didn't have to, and they made it sound like we were forced to study or something. Summore, question paper passed up already ah? Your problem la! Tell the teacher for what? Sounds so.....childish.



Maybe it was the way the meaning was conveyed. Suppose we change to excuse to :



"Oh we'd love to Mr Ch'ng. But unfortunately we already passed up the question paper to Mr Koay." ----2 (blame it on Ah Koay, haha)



I really hate myself for this, because I find this totally acceptable compared to the first line.



Language is part of culture.

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People who are seriously considering studying form 6 should really think thrice. Not all your classmates are the studious kind. Of course, people don't need to be studious or academic-inclined to be good. There are some people in my year whom I think I could learn so much from. But.....god....when it comes to the classes.....(not sure what's the other 2 science classes are like)



So.....if you study form 6, don't think you're the best just because you get number 1 or anything. So many things to learn from your peers. 时时刻刻保持警惕。不要因为赞美而飘飘然。（而且你到了这个年纪也很少人要去称赞你了啦。）



Not too long ago I've stopped concerning myself with the flaws of other people. Don't need to be angry of other people, unless they target-specifically hurt you or anything. But sometimes......god.....I wish Zulkarnain can seriously fuck the noisy person out of the bio lab.



Grrr....我对事不对人的。至少在这间事是这样。

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Language is part of culture.

[(技术)障碍性]缺课

就是ah hor....天我懒惰写了。

人越大越懒。对自己有交代就好。

On the Lift of the Ban

I read from the news, and later from a few blogs that the Film Censorship Board now permits the display of homosexuality and transexualism, as long as the gay (man?) or transsexual repents (or dies?) at the end of the movie.

What follows is a blog post of a transexual woman, Yuki, which I repost here with her permission.

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Ignorant Filmakers Sanctioned To Draw First Blood On Trans People.

I do apologize for not writing much these days, as I have quite a number of things on my mind. However, something propped up last week in my-email that I feel needs to be addressed. Slightly reversing the decision by the Information, Communications and Culture Ministry last year that bans depictions of rempits and trans people (I still do not get the connection between violent motorcyclists and decent human beings with a medical condition), local filmmakers can now depict homosexuality and trans people IF the film ends with sad or tragic consequences to homosexual persons or trans people.

I am very thrilled that my acts of going to work, singing Karaoke with my friends, sleeping, watching movies and enjoying music are considered “immoral activities” by some quarters that I need to repent from. I am also sure that some of my friends would be excited that their loving relationships with their partners is considered nothing but a “culture” that may damage moral values of other people, and people need protection from some insane influence to turn heterosexuals to homosexuals (as if it is ever possible).

Not.

I absolutely do not get any relevance from movies that are based on nothing by idle speculation and lazy guessing into the life of a trans woman, like “…(Anu) dalam botol” for example. I would not even say poorly researched; it is pure fictional fantasy (I can imagine no research was done for “2Alam” either). I do not magically wish to “transform” into a woman to please anyone. If my partner is homosexual, he would find that gross because he wants a man, not a woman. I would not even regret getting the operation done if I have the chance, and if I do stumble upon a loving girl, then we would have a decent lesbian relationship, a kind of partnership that is recognized as the most low risk group for HIV/AIDS infection. By the way I do not even like sex. And I am not a “transvestite”.

So, this is plain misinformation, miscommunication and a counter-culture move to allow demonization of people like me. I have totally no regrets being who I am and am proud to be finally be living, not as who Raja Azmi Raja Sulaiman’s thinks I am or I should be. I shall die in pride that though my life is difficult thanks to ignorant and deceitful people like these so-called filmmakers, at least I live as the woman I truly am. These hate-mongering, rumour spreading and lie parroting heterosexists like “Dr” Rozmey may be getting the hype they want. But if any in the trans community of Malaysia commits suicide or are murdered due to the climate of prejudice, misunderstanding, intolerance and discrimination these “filmmakers” create, my sisters’ blood is surely on their hands.

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DeluSion's comment : I still want to watch "Dalam Botol" though.

Shout OUT!

It all started with this article, which I found totally offensive.

http://opinions.sinchew-i.com/node/13915

After reading this article, I wrote an article to counter that fellow. But my article is published after this one:

http://opinions.sinchew-i.com/node/13931

A very touching article.

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This is my article, which is published in today's paper:
http://opinions.sinchew-i.com/node/13962

潘作意君在〈何須作無謂爭辯〉一文（3月16日《溝通平台》）中給同性戀套上“世紀罪惡”的稱號，在我看來是公然羞辱同志群體。

潘君之〈何〉文完全沒有解釋同性戀何以如此“罪惡”，只是理所當然地給同性戀扣上一頂“罪惡”的帽子，實在叫人憤怒！〈何〉文是反人類共同理性的。它訴諸一己宗教，否定人類理性思考的價值。即使是理性思考的結論，只要在作者看來是有違《聖經》的，他統統都不認同。

潘君還訴諸大眾排斥異己的情緒反應，旁敲側擊地指責“有人寧捨天倫之樂的家庭生活……心甘情願地離棄真理，享受‘與眾不同’的生活環境……”，暗示同性戀與眾不同所以罪惡。全文除了人身攻擊便是一味訴諸一己情緒與成見鼓吹反同性戀情緒，借眾人之勢打擊少數群體。

潘君還反問讀者：“如果這些不法之事可以經得起時間和空間考驗的話，何須靠立法將之合法化？”這樣的言論實在是令人毛骨悚然。經得起時間與空間考驗等同價值上可取嗎？人類各文明中壓抑個人的封建制度佔了幾千年時間，可謂經久不衰，這能夠證明封建制度的合理性嗎？按潘君的見識，或許言論自由，男女平權還有勞工權益等皆是不法之事或經不起時間和空間考驗了，要不然何須在憲法中闡明上述權利，還有立法保障勞工的權益？

將肛交去刑事化(*1)以及合法化同性婚姻，前者是為了讓個人享有更大的自由，拒絕國家機關干涉個人不侵害任何他者的私事，拒絕國家挾多數人之道德觀以“違反自然”之名選擇性提控任何個人；後者的意義則在於提昇非異性戀者的公民與社會地位，讓異性戀者與非異性戀者享有平權。這些，潘君懂嗎？

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*1 Sin Chew edited out some parts here. The original article I sent to them was:

“将肛交（顿号）口交去刑事化，合法化同性婚姻，前者是为了让个人享有更大的自由，拒绝国家机关干涉个人不侵害任何他者的私事，拒绝国家挟多数人之道德观以“违反自然”之名选择性提控任何个人（注：蔡细历先生至今仍未因口交一事而遭提控);后者意义则在于......”
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I contemplated whether I was going to write this article. Sure, I've already got the impulse, but...maybe I should just go and sleep and study physics.....

But then I thought, people rarely responded to this sort of heterosexist opinion. Maybe there are a lot of people who are saddened, or angered by this opinion, but not too many wrote back.

Maybe the impulse of wanting to write back is spontaneous, so everytime when these sort of heterosexist opinion gets published, the probability of having someone to write back is p, 0 < p < 1.

It's just like the question I asked myself when I shockingly realized I'm into erm.....guys. (see, even till now, when i say this, there's still this sort of worry that holds me back) Why me? Why me? At that time I thought there were only at most 3 Malaysians who are "like this". So....oh no....I'm doomed....

Then later, the author of a newspaper column which I had been following came out. That person is 欧阳文风。I knew he was gay from his column. It was a very 感动 moment. A "Good-God-I'm-Not-The-Only-One" moment. So it's important to come out. “走出来，成群结队，我们可以安慰自己和别人的寂寞。”

Then later, I read somewhere on the internet that it has been estimated that 5% of the human population are gay. 5% = 1/20. I have around chinese classmates that time. So I asked myself......c'mon.....where's the other gay guy!! There has got to be another one!!! Taking out me, there are still 19 people.....1/19 is not far from 1/20.....

(Oh, and a classmate came out to me. I came out to him 9 months later. :) )

As my mathematics improved, I eventually came to accept that there's only me among the 20 people. I am the 1 among 20. (of course la, this post could turn into a lengthy post on why my expectations are statistically absurd by referring to the binomial distribution, which I'm not going to do) Taking out me, there's no 1 among the 19. "Statistics cannot be used to argue backwards."

So, since the probability of having someone to write back the heterosexist article is p, and since I already had the impulse to write back, I probably should write, because, I could be the 'p', I could be the statistics. If I don't write, maybe no one would. Therefore I wrote.

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Somemore I kind of hope people will continue to write in and occupy that column for a few days to increase the gay people's visibility.

One person's opinion is deviant, many people's opinion is common sense.

Hallelujah

Weeks before I read about a suicidal attempt of a gay blogger when he was about 17.
Just now I suddenly recalled this song, to which I listened over and over again when I was 16 -- when I was near the end of denying my feelings -- and be sad.

It didn't come to me that time that there were some sexual references in this song, until I read a comment on youtube. Then the lyrics made sense. I feel that the song is describing sex, and not just that, but something more -- something beautiful, so beautiful that he praised his Lord for it; something emotionally engaging(*1) and sad, and the word sad wouldn't do to convey such immense -- loss.




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*1 write like did before =.=

Announcement of SPM 2009 Result

I went to see the juniors this morning.

One thing I had been annoyingly repeating was :

重温记忆可以使自己从过去的枷锁解脱。

Reliving the memories frees us from the shackles of the past. (硬硬翻译过来, haha）

Pengalaman sejarah individual buat kali kedua membebaskan kita daripada belenggu lepas.


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